sometimes…

I wonder what cosmic blooper is responsible for both of my parents being terminally ill at the same time. All these months I’ve been preparing (can you actually prepare for this?) for mom to die. Now, dad has entered the race and is winning by miles. Hospice has been called and dad is failing rapidly. Un-freaking-believable. I am heartbroken at the impending deaths. I don’t understand why. My parents were not the greatest parents. The history of abuse is miles long. I guess the grief is not only for my mommy and daddy but also for the childhood I wasn’t allowed to have. Now any hope of reconciliation is over and my parents have become the children. If I was the kind of parent I had as a child, this could be really bad for my parents huh? It’s a blessing for them that their hatred and negativity didn’t settle in my soul. I hope their journeys are peaceful although I am a nervous wreck. To be without parents…how odd. All the years of therapy and hard work and mpd and post traumatic stress and yada, yada, yada haven’t prepared me for this empty feeling that goes with the thought of no more parents. Sometimes my brain itches…

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One response to this post.

  1. i tried to prepare for my mothers passing and when the time finally came i was not prepared at all even tho i thought i was…..
    i too had a terribel childhood but took care of my mom….because i still loved her no matter how awful things were in my childhood….she was so pathetic in the end….i guess they call it compassion…..she died in 97 and my life has not been the same…she was a wonderful grandma…so i guess she tried to make up for it….your blog entry is touching and i could relate
    thank you kjs

    Reply

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