going, going…

Oh my…today has been difficult. My dad has declined so far. We had our first and perhaps last visit from the hospice folks this afternoon. The nurse who came out checked dad’s vitals and his BP was 80/40, pulse irregular, respirations extremely irregular. She told us that he may not last through the night. How the hell do you go from being able to walk and talk, eat and laugh one day and die what seems like the next day? We were told of his diagnosis one week ago today…yesterday I guess since it’s after midnight now. Mom’s house was full. Dad was doing whatever work it is he’s needed to be doing and most of it was quietly…I say most because some of it is loud too. He can’t get up or walk. Swallowing is almost impossible and they keep trying to shove fluids into him or food for god’s sake. What are they thinking? I had to come home even if only for a few as I just had to get out of there. I hope he’s hanging on tomorrow morning when I get there but if he needs to go tonight, so be it. It angers me that I feel like this about his death and I kicked the garbage can today and my foot is absolutely throbbing. That’s what I get for being inappropriate in my anger I guess. I did, however, sing at the top of my lungs all the way home. I’m a bit raspy now but it lifted my spirits a bit. Thank god for music.

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