oh my…

Where to start. It’s the middle of the night here and I am awake. For what reason? Who the hell knows. How hard it is to hear them take your dad away in that mortuary van…it was almost my undoing this morning. The only time I cried today. Crying is probably not the best word to describe what I was doing but it’s the only one I can think of at this time of night. I thought I would vomit and the shaking started and the tears came and my aunt grabbed me and informed me I needed to “stay strong” now. I wanted to scream at her “Why must I stay strong now? They are wheeling my dad out of here in a plastic bag for god’s sake!” but I did not scream at her. What good would it do, screaming at this woman who was scared out of her mind because she was the one who was with my dad at the moment he passed on. I don’t understand the fear but who am I to judge? Dad waited until I had gone home and my mom had finally found sleep to leave. He was an asshole for most of the years I can remember but somehow his last act of caring for my mom has touched my heart in a way I didn’t expect. I just know somehow that he didn’t want her to be there when he ‘left’. She is so close to a nervous breakdown now. She is going through her own chemo treatments etc and this has almost been her undoing. So fast, so unexpected, dad’s illness. Un-fucking-believable that two weeks ago we thought he had pneumonia and today he is dead…as in doornail dead. How does this happen? How does someone make the transition from alive human being to the waxy looking shell that was there in his chair this morning? After almost two years of my mom’s cancer treatment, how is that my dad got to leave her here to do the hard stuff and he got to leave in such a hurry? I am touched by the ways he took care of my mom over the past week. Made sure she would always have a place to live and money to provide for herself. Took care of all the executor stuff by trusting my uncle Pete with the money issues…it was a brilliant choice in my opinion. Told her things he hadn’t told her in years because he was too busy being an angry, mean asshole. I’m sure the loss of two of his children and the illness of his wife affected his outlook on life but it doesn’t negate the fact that he was, in fact, an asshole. I told one of my aunt’s today that “Dad may have been an asshole but he wasn’t a stupid asshole.” My sister, or at least the woman I have always called my sister, has acted terribly this day, riding in to go through my dad’s things, which are now my mom’s things, to take what she wanted without asking…as if my mom isn’t still alive or right here grieving her husband of 35 years. I’m sure the animosity she has always felt towards me will now disolve even the minimal relationship we’ve had over the years. I will have no siblings left when this is over, I just feel it. How sad. I watch my daughters together and am grateful they will have each other and know they are loved. They will have stories about their mom and they will understand the wackiness of their lives in a way no other soul will be able to because they grew up with the same parents. What a treasure for them. My greatest pride. Sleep is approaching and I must try to rest. Mom will have a tough day ahead and I have to generate a bit of energy to help her through. Peace.


3 responses to this post.

  1. I saw your post at Rosie’s and just wanted to send you a HUG… {hug}


  2. Here’s another big hug.

    God bless……


  3. {{{{{Traci}}}}..I also saw your post at Rosie’s site. It took me 2 hrs to set up a blog so I can give u a hug and a comment.
    My eyes filled with tears reading your entrys. I know what you are going through..Been there my self. You are in my thoughts.

    Take care and be strong~


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