control, or lack thereof

It’s morning and I must return to work today. Yikes! Eight days off and I don’t want to go back yet. Ah well…life does continue. I cannot believe what I woke to this morning though. My husband, gawd luv him cuz someone has to, wanted to talk about money. At 6 a.m.? What do you want me to say when my brain is just turning on for heaven’s sake? He doesn’t yet understand, I guess, that I have no control over my ex and his child support payments or my daughter and her money from work or anything other than what I do already. I pay my part of the bills and there’s not much else I can do. He told me he keeps putting off tires and pants and sneakers because we keep paying all these big bills. I replied “Ok” and he left in a snit. What am I supposed to say? “Oh honey I am so sorry, I’ll get out on the street corner today after my regular job and sell my body for some extra bucks for you.” I don’t go out and party, I don’t spend money unwisely, I just do what I need to do to provide for my girls and keep us in food and a roof…oh and the occasional pieces of clothing necessary to keep growing bodies covered. I want to know when I became the answer to all things financial. I’d like to get another job however I already work 8-5 Monday-Friday. I have 3 daughters…when would I ever see them? and for what? I just never know what to do at times like these. I do the best I can and it has to be enough.

Saw my mom yesterday. I just hate going to her house but now especially I feel I must. I have to take a shower every time I come from there because it smells like a bar at her house. The smoke hovers in a layer and she gets pissy whenever anyone says anything about it. Why do I want to expose myself to more second hand smoke and increase my risk for lung cancer…it’s killing both my parents, what do you want from me? Mom told me a few weeks ago that smoking didn’t cause all this stuff. I didn’t even bother to tell her that lung cancer comes from smoking and it’s very clear that it did for both of them because they’ve never been exposed to the few other things that are responsible for it. Talk about denial. I spent 18 years in that second hand smoke before getting married and then we lived with them again for a year and a half before getting our house. I am becoming completely phobic about the smoke now. It’s kind of creepy. I noticed I was holding my breath for as long as possible while I was there yesterday. How weird is that? I just didn’t want to breathe it in. I could just imagine it seeping into my pores and on and on it went. I have to get a grip obviously but geez, both my parents, lung cancer…tough stuff.

Well this rambling piece of weirdness must end this morning if I’m ever going to get myself to work. I know it’s good to write but sometimes it bites. Peace.


2 responses to this post.

  1. The phobic stuff..I hear ya but its with alcohol. Its almost as though I just hold my breath sometimes for what seems like hours although I know better and it is probably more like seconds.

    Here’s a little about indigos BTW..not all characteristics have to apply:
    Frequent Characteristics of Indigo Children
    -May be strong-willed, independent thinkers who prefer to do their own thing rather than comply with authority figures/parents
    -Have a wisdom and level of awareness and caring beyond their youthful experience
    -Traditional parenting and discipline strategies don’t appear effective with these children. If you try to force an issue, a power struggle is the typical outcome
    -Energetically Indigos are vibrating at a higher frequency so they can get scrambled by negative energy (human or machine)
    -Emotionally they can be very reactive and may have problems with anxieties, depression or temper rages if not energetically balanced
    -Are creative right brained thinkers but may struggle to learn in a traditional left brained school system
    -Often Indigos are diagnosed as having ADD/ADHD since they appear impulsive (their brain can process information faster) and they require movement to help keep them better focused
    -Indigos are very intuitive (often psychic) and may see, hear or know things that seem unexplainable
    -Indigos tend to be more visual, kinesthetic learners so remember best what they can picture in their brain and create with their hands
    -Indigos have more problems with food and environmental sensitivities since their system is more finely tuned
    -When their needs are not met, these children appear self centered and demanding although this is not their true nature
    -These children have incredible gifts and potential but may be shut down when not properly nurtured and accepted
    -Visual Spatial or Right Brained Dominant
    -Indigo Children are visual spatial or right brain dominant, which immediately poses a possible problem to the current education system. They like challenge, change and flexibility. They show brilliance in creativity, whether in creative analytical thought, creative speech, writing, art, music or creative exploring of ideas or ideals. If this creativity is not understood and properly channeled, the brilliance may lead to a diagnosis of a child having ADD/ADHD. Much of their behaviour however stems from boredom and frustration, shame and anger at being unheard or misunderstood, rather than from the ADD/ADHD.


  2. Just searching on google and found your site. It was ranked fairly high on google to. Anyway just looking around to see why.


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