I wonder if we ever stop to think about how much time we spend on things that turn out to be unimportant in the grand scheme of things? I returned to work yesterday after my bereavement leave was up for dad. In the afternoon my husband calls to inform me that our house phone has been turned off. I say “Ok.” He says “That’s it? That’s all you have to say? Don’t you care?” My reply angers him more. “Of course I care however what would you like me to do about it at this moment?” On it went. On it was still going when I finally arrived home two and a half hours after he arrives home every day. He was throwing bills everywhere, ranting like he does and all I could say was “Ok” and “Yes” and “What do you want me to do about it right now?” Don’t get me wrong, I most definitely do care about money and bills and all the pure unadulterated crap that goes along with living a comfortable life…I care, Ok? That said, what is the big fat hairy deal about the phone being off for one stinking night especially in view of the fact that I admitted I’d forgotten to pay the bill and I said it’d be taken care of today and we have cell phones for god’s sake! I just called those who needed to know that if they needed me to call the cell and didn’t worry my head about it anymore. The husband is still worried about it this morning. I say all that, to say this…


Did all the yelling and ranting endear my husband to me? No. Did it change the fact that the phone was off last night? No. Did it create an issue with my mom getting ahold of me if she needed to? No. Did it change that I went to bed at the same time I always do? No. Did it hurt any of our children to go without the phone for one evening? No. Did it take the roof from over our head? No. Did it stop us from watching tv or using the computer or make our animals ill? No. Did it keep us from eating yesterday? No. Did it keep us from waking up this morning with our kids healthy and our jobs to go to? No. It did not. So, I ask you, what is all the ranting and yelling for? How does it affect the people who live in this house of ours? I woke up three nights ago from a horrific nightmare about my mother not being able to catch her breath. She was gasping, literally gasping for air. It totally freaked me out and I had to get up and call mom to check on her. Yesterday I called my mom’s oncologist to get the lastest CT scan results and mom’s tumor is growing…rapidly. The palliative care has not affected this tumor one iota. It is half again as big as it was 6 weeks ago. It’s real. Mom is really going to die soon and most likely it will be gasping for breath. Now, I know palliative care is simply comfort care. In mom’s case, the comfort is meant to be mental comfort more than anything. Still, to hear her tell me she doesn’t feel like this treatment is working and to hear that confirmed by the test results was like a blow to my gut. I could hardly catch my own breath. Back to last night. Did all of his ranting change the facts of my life one tiny bit? No, it did not. I am still an almost 40 year old daughter who has just lost one parent to lung cancer and soon will lose the other to the same disease. In the big picture, one night without a phone means absolutely nothing. I will still have three daughters who need me, a husband who rants, step children who are slowly getting used to me, a job with a boss who’s a mean and nasty person, friends who are amazing and I wil have no parents. Now, I will say this as well, my parents have never been my most favorite people. I grew up in a house that was abusive for most of the time. My parents have not been known for their compassion and caring. We’ve spent the majority of my life at odds with each other. I assumed all this meant their deaths would not affect me as greatly as they otherwise might. I was WRONG. Not only do their deaths take them, they take my dream of parents who are loving and supportive with them. The death of a dream is painful…as painful as losing parents. There will be no more trying, no more dreaming, no more time. Peace.


3 responses to this post.

  1. Thus shall ye think of this fleeting world:
    A star at dawn, a bubble in a stream;
    A flash of lightning in a summer cloud;
    A flickering lamp, a phantom, and a dream.

    -Diamond Sutra

    A hug for you today((((Traci)))))
    You get it. Your husband doesn’t.

    Love to you!


  2. You won’t become money, but if you if you see yourself as prosperous, it WILL draw more prosperity to you. Think about it like this: You wake up late, life is bad..you think to yourself, “OMG is this going to be the worst day ever!” and it is! Self fulfilling prophecy, these intentions are. Oh, you know what? I feel like writing about that..so I think I will! See there? It already happened! LOL!

    ((((((Traci))))) Yes, you need a great big belly laugh not just a chuckle. Or maybe even one that ends in a snort! LOL! Be kind to yourself and remember to give to you!


  3. (((((((Traci))))))) It seems like you need a great big hug today. I loved the line ” the death of a dream is painful”. That is painstakingly beautiful. I couldn’t have said it any ebtter myself.



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