stuff

So I came home early from work today and died for about 4 hours. I mean, I was out like a light. I simply could not stay awake anymore. It feels weird to use the word ‘died’ in a sentence like that now, especially since my dad’s been gone for two weeks today and my mom tells everyone the reason she is so bitchy is because she’s “dying” and that makes it ok to treat others like crap, but whatever. I am struggling with my grief and struggling with my mom’s grief and her anger and on and on it goes so today I came home and slept for quite awhile. It was a good thing.

I’m reading Rosie’s blog which is cool although there are so many people on there now it’s weird and some of them are um…interesting. She used the term ‘stranger friends’ and I thought “how appropriate” and then wondered why we feel like we know celebrities just because they are so public. We know so much about them but we do not know them really. I have a gut feeling that Rosie is her true self most of the time however and that makes me smile although I don’t ‘get’ the whole yellow thing but ah well. So many mysteries in the universe, I don’t mind another added to the list!

Grief is an interesting experience. I keep reminding myself that I can learn so much through this process and then I think “Some things I just don’t want to know” but I suppose we don’t get to choose sometimes. Today I felt like my shoes were full of cement. So slow at everything, thoughts muddled, world cloudy and fuzzy. There are moments when I’m sobbing and laughing at the same time and I think “How odd” and on it goes. Yesterday it went through my mind “Oh someone’s gonna have to tell dad” and then it hit me, He’s gone. Mom’s chemo was deferred until her platelets increase. She had a shot of Procrit and was sent home. Her tumor is bigger, her bone marrow is tired and all in all, things suck medically for her. But the sun was shining when we left the doctor’s office, the car started just fine and I got back to work in one piece so how bad can it be?

“I’m dying” is her excuse for everything. I think “So am I. The only difference is you have a clue about the time frame.” We’re all dying and I haven’t a clue what comes after. I spent so many years being brainwashed that I don’t know the truth anymore. I feel like I’m going to be punished for doing the wrong thing, hanging with the wrong people, feeling the wrong way but after so many years I simply couldn’t do it anymore. Now, how do I answer my children when they ask where grampa is? What do I say to my mom when she says it’s just over isn’t it? I don’t know what I believe. Is there a heaven? Do we get signs? How bad am I? Most days I feel relatively peaceful and the confusion recedes to the background but oh, the times when it is front and center are frightening. My dad is gone. My mom is going. I don’t want this to be the revolving point of my days right now and can’t seem to make it different anyway. Processing this garbage takes time. I’d rather be playing! Peace.

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2 responses to this post.

  1. Ahhh Traci, I think maybe you should be playing! Now I don’t profess to be all that Biblical, just pretty spiritual…it seems I have been on this incredible inside journey for a long time..but to get to the heart of the matter, there’s some passage or verse where Jesus says, “The kingdom of God is at hand” and you know, I don’t think he was talking about it being after physical death. I think he meant it was the here and now, as in your life can be heaven or it can be hell, it’s what you make it to be.

    I think we are all beautiful and wonderful spirits who are trapped in these bodies just to have a house for our souls. I believe when our physical body dies, our soul transitions to a different level of awareness or plane like a vibration. I don’t think that there is a physical heaven out in the sky beyond the sun somewhere, but a different level that I just can’t quite find the words to explain. I guess I believe that is why so many folks who have crossed over, can “visit” or that some psychics can bring messages from the “other side”. The body is gone, but the soul still lives on.

    Now some poeple would really like to think that there is a physical “hell” where some folks go..a firey and awful place. I don’t think there is one of those any more than a physical heaven. I do believe that our souls have to work through lots of “stuff” though even after death. If anything, I think for some, that might be hell in itself.

    You are carrying a huge burden right now. You are like the filling in a really bad deli sandwich, being in the middle of everyone else’s needs and not having a moment of peace for yourself.

    ((((((Traci))))) Remember to be true to your own little voice, you know, the one that tells you to slow down, it’s OK to have fun, take care of yourself. Listen to it because it knows what is best for you. It is the voice of your true and inner self and it never, ever lies.

    Oh, and the “orange” test? It was a personality test that I took quite a few years ago. The 15 minute written exercise test? That was for the job interview I had yesterday. I did it like Constantine, unfortunately, he got the boot. I will learn tomorrow if I make it to the next round of interviews. Hopefully, for my financial sake, I will make the cut.

    OK, so I don’t want to blog on your blog…so I am Lightfeather…out!

    Reply

  2. Grieving ia a journey – a process. Everyone goes down this road at some point in their life. I have done some blogging about my own journey. Just know that time does heal. You never completely forget but you learn to live with it.

    One minute, one hour, one day at a time.

    You will come through it if you trust your gut.

    Reply

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