anger

Anger. Such a word. Such a feeling. Today I wanted to scream or at the very least rip someone’s hair out. I am surrounded by children however and screaming isn’t an option right now. I know some people who work with hospice who have access to a padded room and a punching bag. I believe I will be making use of them shortly. My three beautiful daughters are up my behind all the time and I can’t get a moments peace. My husband is worse than a kid because he wants to be with me all the time and gets pissy when I just don’t wanna. Tonight I called him an asshole because he was behaving like one and somehow he always tries to turn it in to my problem. Well, I didn’t have a problem tonight. He did and finally I just walked away. I’ve been down here in my little office playing games and trying to stay in a quiet place since it is so necessary for me tonight. My youngest daughter keeps coming down here and I don’t want to yell at her but it’s hard not to. Poor thing. She knows intuitively that I am having a tough time today and she only wants to help. I just want peace and quiet; to be alone with my thoughts and my tears and fears and worries and anger…lots of anger. Yesterday my mom lost her barely held control and I was so proud of her. She was yelling and yelling and crying “I want dad…I just want dad.” Poor baby. Then she hollered “The big JERK! How could he just go and leave me here to do this alone!” I was grateful to hear her loudness. It was about time she let some of it out. Today I say “What about me?” I have no one to yell at or who will understand about the yelling. I cry in private and write so much it’s nauseating. I want to scream at the top of my lungs “WHAT ABOUT ME?!!!!” My dad apologized to my sister for lying to her after my brother died…to that I say “WHAT ABOUT ME? WHAT ABOUT STRANGLING MY MOTHER IN FRONT OF ONE OF MY CHILDREN? WHAT ABOUT BEATING ME SENSELESS MORE THAN ONCE? WHAT ABOUT TELLING ME A DOCTOR TOLD YOU IT WASN’T POSSIBLE TO ‘FIX’ ME WHEN I WAS LITTLE? WHAT ABOUT ALL THE PAIN AND AGONY YOU LEFT WITH ME??? WHAT ABOUT ME GODDAMMIT!” The anger is so big and I just wish I could be left alone to get it out but noooooooooooooo… not me, I can’t do that. My dad never said “I’m sorry” or “Goodbye” or “I love you” or “Take care of your mom” or anything…he just left. Speaking of assholes. I just hate this. Peace.

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2 responses to this post.

  1. You deserve to scream, to shout, and to let it all out! Yes, what about YOU! It’s your turn! And it’s your turn again, and maybe even a do-over if you don’t get it out right the first second, or third time! You can’t let anyone take anything from you now. Take as much time as you need.

    Much love and light,
    Lighty

    Reply

  2. Read your posts and am thinking of you right now…believe that everything in life happens for a reason. Most importantly grieve. Grieve how you want to grieve. I hope you find peace!–>

    Reply

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