love

I read Rosie’s blog earlier today and it touched my heart so. Weeping at my desk seems to be the norm recently so no one noticed. : ) It’s been several hours since then and I’ve just come from my therapist’s office. More tears…go figure. We talked about my shock at the feelings generated by my father’s death and the impending death of my mom. I am stunned every day over and over by how much I am affected by the deaths of these people who have been such a huge piece of my life but whom I didn’t/don’t really like all that much. Love is an interesting animal to be sure. I believe that we humans mess it up so often without even thinking about it. We live in a world where molesters take what should be the ultimate gift – the trust of a child – and violate it in the ugliest ways possible; where parents have children they do not take care of; where babies are having babies; where people who want children so much they pay thousands upon thousands of dollars for infertility treatments that sometimes never work and spend their lives yearning for that special child. It breaks my heart that we have so many children with no one to care for or about them. Rosie’s blog today was beautiful. Her first love. How amazing that she would think to share this momentous happening with her ‘stranger friends’. I am stunned by her trust and her inner beauty. I am reminded of my first love – my ex husband – and of my second love – a woman who is still a dear friend. I was raised in a belief system that said same sex relationships were wrong and horrifying and disgusting and dirty and ugly in the eyes of god. Imagine my disbelief when I fell head over heels for this woman. I spent hours, days, weeks, months, years literally believing I was going to die for loving her. I still sometimes wonder. Indoctrination? Brainwashing? Truth? Dare? Right? Wrong? Who the hell knows. I certainly don’t profess to know. What I do know is that this special woman opened my heart and my eyes to so many things I would never have dreamed of. She made me see the beauty in the world and the glorious gift that each day is. She trusted me with her heart and soul and I trusted her with mine. To say I was heartbroken when she returned to her husband would be a gross understatement. It’s been several years and I am now married to a special man however I can honestly say that I believe she was my life’s love. I would have willingly lived with her forever, anywhere. Her family just couldn’t accept me and, in the end, that pull was simply too strong and it was over. Since that time I have simply been unable to return to the religious life that was such a part of me for so many years through childhood and adulthood. I wonder now as I’m writing if it’s because I just couldn’t fathom how such an amazing gift could be so wrong in god’s eyes. I have never in my life felt that ‘pull’ to another person. It was unlike anything before or after it and I truly do feel blessed to have experienced such a love. My husband would never understand. He knows about her and how much I loved her but he just doesn’t get it. He calls it such a waste. It wasn’t a waste. It was amazing. I am a better person for it. Peace.

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2 responses to this post.

  1. When love comes, it is a miracle. A true gift from God. God would shine only light on a loving relationship no matter what or who, that relationship consisted of. And you know what? God would never consider love to be a waste. How fortunate that you had such a blessed experience!

    Reply

  2. I just wanted to say I loved this post.. There is a special “She” in my life too..that i will always miss.

    Reply

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