what I wanna know is

when will I feel like a grown up? Does this ever happen? I remember throwing my own kind of “fussy dance” as a child and yelling at my mother “I cannot wait until I’m grown up and can do whatever I want to!” I also remember my mother replying “Yeah, I can’t wait for you to figure out that when you’re grown up, you can’t do anything you want to do!” I’m learning as I journey through the death of my father and the impending death of my mother. It’s rather enlightening and at the same time sort of creepy. My mom is not facing her death well to put it mildly. I don’t believe she will go quietly into that goodnight. She will leave this earth kicking and screaming or struggling and gasping for that last breath. It’s just a feeling I have. A few days ago as we were dealing with garage sale customers, my aunt says to me “Geez, she’ll say one thing and turn around a second later and yell at me for doing what she just told me she wanted.” I turned stunned eyes towards her and replied “OhMyGod, you just described my life as a child with this woman!” The aunt couldn’t believe I said that. When my husband and I left this garage sale the other day I was wrecked. My mom was in particularly cruel form this day and it was hard. I had a premonition that it wouldn’t be long for her. I hope that’s not right but it was creepy to hear Tim say the same thing. She has no energy, no muscle tone, her weight is dropping…it’s as if she is slowly wasting away. I’ve secured a note from her doctor saying that I have to care for her so I can get leave donated through work..good thing…I believe I’ve used my quota of vacation and sick leave for a bit. And on another note, my mom has been given over 1000 dollars since my dad’s death and she’s made almost twice that on this garage sale. Unbelievable I say. Odd how it adds up. Of course, she has almost nothing so every bit helps but this month we are struggling for enough grocery money to get until payday and it sounds kind of petty but I wish I had some of it. **sigh** I feel guilty for even writing that I think but I’m reminding myself this is my damn blog and I can write what I need to. I mean who’s going to see me being an ungrateful daughter? Whatever. My mother has spent her life terrified. What’s interesting is that I have said that about myself at times. Interesting how it all comes down to what we know doesn’t it? I figure if my mom was terrified all the time, it’s understandable that I was too. What else would I learn? I know without a doubt that my grandfather began with my mom and her siblings and moved on to his grandchildren so why does it surprise me to realize she is scared of everything? A week or so ago we were discussing cooking with gas and my mom said “That’s too dangerous. Don’t do that.” I thought “It’ so much quicker and efficient” and then got to thinking about all the other things that began making sense as I went along. It’s weird to see my life unfolding with more understanding as my mom’s life is ending with little or no understanding. I’m sure it will end up being a gift however right now it gets a bit more painful than I like. Growth is a painful process sometimes, whether it’s our children’s bones growing more rapidly than their muscles can stretch comfortably or our psyche expanding with self revelations we are not entirely comfortable with yet. Odd. Painful. Energizing. Peace.


4 responses to this post.

  1. Ya know? I am beginning to think I will never feel grown up and I am not so sure I want to, other than to sit at the grown up table. In fact, it felt good to try out the fussy dance, explore new adventures, feel new feelings and never feel so settled that life as we know it, becomes a chore.

    Fear can be conquered, released to the angels and to the stars. I am working on all of that too, but right now I am thinking that I would like to not so totally grow up that I forget the magic. Child-like but not childish.

    Go on! Do the fussy dance! It’s our blog!

    Write on!


  2. Oh my gosh lol i just read about the “when will I feel grown up thing” and i had posted on my own blog today about when is it that i turn “Old” etc.. too funny.
    I am enjoying your blog!


  3. We do have much in common, yet many differences. Aside from the sort of family stuff we went through, I’m also 39. Your mom will go kicking and screaming, and my mom has already resigned herself to dying. My brother says that her chances of living are greater than her chances of dying, but she doesn’t believe him. Why should she? He’s only a doctor.

    Ah well, thanks for visiting. Stop by anytime you wanna vent.


  4. very insightful read, thankyou.


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