mother’s day

Ok, I’ll just come out and admit it. I have never been a big fan of mother’s day. I’ve struggled to find just the right card…one that isn’t too mushy…one that doesn’t say things I could simply never mean. I have no desire to be mean or nasty to my mom, I just don’t feel those things for her. I’d rather not have to observe this holiday at all but then I’d hear about it later from…you guessed it, my mom. That is never a pretty sight and one I try to avoid religiously…my mom pissed off. Oy vey. So yesterday after putting it off as long as I could, daughter #2 and I traveled to the local WalMart and looked for something to give this woman who harbored me inside her body for 9 months. She is a chemotherapy patient and has lost a ton of weight so she’s skin and bones. We ended up getting a pair of jeans so small I couldn’t fit them for sure and a beautiful blue sweater. Well, I thought the color was lovely anyway…what my mom thought I’m not sure. She may never wear the clothes but it was nice to get her an outfit she could wear if she ever decides to leave her house again. She’s only got two other things that fit her. Daughter #3 has been coughing like crazy and decided not to go to my mom’s house because she was worried “I won’t kill granny will I? I don’t want to kill her!” She was afraid she’d get my mom sick so she built a big, beautiful card and tucked a dollar inside it for her! It made my mom cry. My gift brought no reaction whatsoever and I expected that. Mom doesn’t understand why I don’t feel about her the way she felt about her mom. I just don’t have mushy inside me for her. Who knows what the deal is. I know when she succumbs to her disease, I will be heartbroken. She asked me yesterday “Do you know what everyone is going to remember me for?” I replied “For being grumpy.” She nodded her head and burst into more tears. She said “I’ve never been like this in my whole life and I don’t understand where it’s coming from! I don’t want people to remember me that way!” I told her it was fear and anger and depression all the while thinking “Good grief, she was exactly like this while I was growing up. Who does she think she’s kidding?” Odd how two people living the same ‘thing’ can see it so differently. One of the aunts was describing mom’s behavior of late and how it was just unbelievable and I said “You are describing the woman I grew up with!” This aunt had to prop up her chin. She was stunned to hear that. It’s true what they say. No matter what your relationship with your parents, you really do miss them when they’re gone. Peace.

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2 responses to this post.

  1. I am so glad you bought that outfit for your mom. It doesn’t matter what she says or doesn’t say, you know that your own heart was in the perfect place that it needed to be for YOU. One of the most difficult things that I have had to learn and re-learn, is that in this journey, is that we can only be responsible for ourselves, our own feelings,and no one else. Of course, we are responsible for our children, to take care of them, nurture them and love them. Other adults, on the other hand, we just cannot take that on to be fair to ourselves or even to the other person. (((((Traci)))) You are in a really difficult situation. It would be difficult even if the relationship had been different.

    Take care of you. And thank you for all of the really kind things you said to me. It means a lot.

    Reply

  2. Hugs to you! You made it through Mother’s Day!!.. i will be the same, when Father’s Day rolls around. Finding a card that says not too much..is hard. SO many cards that don’t fit..its a yearly brain teaser- to find a card that works..

    Reply

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