morning

This morning I woke up at 4 a.m. Why? Not because I wanted to let me assure you. My husband woke me by turning on his light and starting to yell at me. FOUR frickin’ A.M.! It was not a good thing. It has happened two other times during our marriage and it will not happen again. It is the last time. I know he doesn’t understand me or my ummm…issues from all that happened to me as a young person. I know he hasn’t a clue that as great as I’ve been doing, it only takes a moment of fear to bring it all back. I discovered today that being here creates feelings of inadequacy inside me. I feel as if I can do nothing right. What I think or feel doesn’t matter. No matter how nice he gets after one of these episodes, it’s never ok and I never come quite all the way back from it either. I realized this evening that I don’t feel “safe” here. Not the kind of fear that says “Ohmygod, you’re gonna get hurt here!” but rather the kind of fear that says “You are not ok here and this isn’t good for you anymore.” Since so much is going on right now, it’s a difficult time to leave but I will be thinking and planning for sometime in the not too distant future…end of summer perhaps…by then he won’t even remember this episode. He will tell me, again, that I am making it up. I am not. More to come. Peace