parades

My daughter marched in one of her last parades today. Her high school was last and sounded great but as my other two girls and I sat watching those that came before her group, I was struck by how many lasts we’ve done over the past few months. It’s been quite a parade of lasts and the list will get longer as we continue through this year. Her last game, her last concert, her last dance, her last test, her last whatever. Graduation is a month away. My baby girl is leaving the nest and heading off to college and I am so proud of her and so ready for her to fly. At the same time, I feel sad today too. My dad is gone now. When the tractors paraded by this afternoon, daughter number two said “It smells like Grampa.” She was right. It did. He won’t see my girl graduate. He won’t see her head off to college. Or graduate from there. Or hold her first teaching position. Or get married. Or have a baby. My dad was not a nice man. Somehow it bothers me that he won’t be here for these things. My mom is not far behind him. She is so awnry though it could take her awhile…or perhaps not. My parents will be gone. My babies will be moving on…not all at once…but the parade has begun. One by one, they will spread their lovely wings and fly. All is as it should be in this parade of life and yet, I wonder what will the purpose of my life be when they are on their own? How will I fill the hours that I filled with them? I’ve always wanted to finish my college degree and I am determined to do that. What will I do then? There were so many reasons I chose to have my children early in my life. Family history and the desire to have enough good years left when they were grown among them. My plans were good and I’m so grateful for my beautiful girls. I got them after a parade of infertility treatments and such blessings they are. Now, unable to have more children and unlikely to even if I could (there comes a time when sleeping through the night is really important!), what will I do now? I don’t want to be like my own mother sitting in her rocker, watching t.v. with nothing to do but clean house and read. I want to be able to sit and watch t.v. and read but I don’t want to have to do it simply because I’ve not made any other plans. I used to believe that I would finish my nursing degree and go on to midwifery school and deliver babies. I don’t really want that now. Nursing is still a possibility but social work also calls to me. I want to work with abused children and women who are victims of domestic violence too. I want to feel like I am making a difference somewhere. The friends I had when I was married the first time have all disappeared. I feel alone still sometimes. I have friends now but it’s not the same. I have no siblings to speak of and want to feel a connection with someone else. My husband is not who I imagined him to be and the possibility exists that I will need to leave soon. I don’t yet know when. I will again be alone. I don’t mind solitude…I don’t want it all the time. The parade of thoughts and feelings continues and I wish I felt like there was a rhyme or a reason to it all. Peace.

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4 responses to this post.

  1. OH, this post made me cry, those wings are so hard to let them go sometimes.
    I am in the same position in that respect.
    I am sorry your marriage isn’t fairing well. Yet another loss on your heart.
    Know that you also have on line friends that will be here for you through it all.
    Just reach out.
    annieb43@charter.net

    Reply

  2. I’ve been struggling with giving my daughter wings, and she’s only 3. It’s so hard at any age.

    And as difficult as it is, try not to look at these things as the end of something, but as the beginning of a whole new adventure…for you and for your daughter. Maybe what you have at home isn’t what you wanted, but know that until you branch out on your new adventure, you won’t find what you’re dreaming of. It’s out there, so look forward to that.

    Reply

  3. You will never be alone..we will always be here for you.
    And you deserve to be with someone that makes life “feel good” and if it’s not your husband..it will be YOU..for awhile..and you are a wonderful person. I think you’d be great at helping other women or children who have been abused. Do what makes your heart sing..and all the rest will follow..hugs to you.

    Reply

  4. ((((((((((Traci)))))))))

    This is indeed a bittersweet time of life. I am in this transition. Watching the little bird flying away further and further, yet homing in too. I can only believe that endings are only the beginning of new beginnings. We are always in the perfect place to be when we are there.

    Reply

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