therapy

Grrrr…I hate therapy. Tonight my lovely, wonderful therapist says “I don’t know if you’re crazy, maybe you are. It’s not for me to judge.” Yeah, ok, I know that sounds bad but in the context of the conversation it wasn’t bad at all. She’s been hammering at my low self esteem for months and months and months. Tonight she took a different tack. I’ve seen it before and damn if it doesn’t always work. I get so pissed off at her for telling me something I know somewhere deep inside me isn’t true that I have to stand up for myself…and she knew I would. Why am I so passive? Why if I’m not happy here in my marriage am I still here? Why do I say to myself “Maybe I’m making more of it than it is” when I know my husband throwing donuts on the floor in a pissy fit is unreasonable and ridiculous? Why do I say “Be calm daughter” when I know that putting laundry in the freezer because it’s not put away in a timely manner is wacked? Why do I calm her when I know exactly who put the bleach in her laundry so her favorite shirt would be ruined? Why, why, why do I question myself when, after calling him on his behavior, he tells me I’m imagining things and making them up? I’ve been told for most of my life that I’m imagining things; telling stories; not thinking about how what I say will affect another person. Well, tonight my therapist called me on it and dammit I’m so angry with her right now! Not because she did something bad or wrong but because she is right and I have to listen. The hard part is coming and I feel terrible about it all. I love my husband. I don’t want to be twice divorced. I want peace dammit. My daughters are more important. I told him a few years ago not to make me choose because he would lose every time. I want it to be amicable. I think that’s my issue right now. I want him to understand why this can’t continue. I don’t think he’ll understand it ever and for some reason that bothers me. I don’t want to hurt him or me or my babies. I think by not making a stand, choice, decision I am hurting all of us. Onward and upward…I think. Peace.

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2 responses to this post.

  1. I woke up thinking similar thoughts. You are so right and so is your therapist! I woke up thinking, ah, yesterday was not a bad day. The craziness of the day before erased. Thankful for the good, erasing the bad. Cycles of dysfunction. After a while it does seem like “stories” told by someone else. Not real. Not believable. I will write soon.

    Reply

  2. Traci..
    Your therapist is right..and you may never get your husband to “see” or understand why you need out. My mother waited till I was 18 to separate from my dysfunctional father. Long before then I had wished she’d gone..because I saw how things were, I knew how unhappy she was. You can’t make it all nice and good for everyone. But you can make it out so that YOU and your daughter are safe..safe from irrational behavior (which is what you describe). His behavior is irrational and not going to end overnight. You want to progress in life, and you say you don’t want a second divorce..but you are progressing..and in that respect a second divorce may be the icing on the cake of your progression..divorce gets a bad rap but we all know that staying with someone who brings us down, isn’t going to help us progress..I am sending you big hugs and positive thoughts that help you move forward with that anger..be angry and be angry with what you’ve put up with..don’t put up with it another second.
    (((((((((((((Traci)))))))))))

    Reply

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