mothers and daughters

I took the day off yesterday to go with my mom to her last chemotherapy appointment. Then, to take care of myself I snuck today in as well. A five day weekend for me. Whew! To say I need it would be an understatement. : ) I’m up early this morning to get daughters to school and make sure my mom doesn’t need me today then it’s out to do weed wacking. I’ve mentioned my freaky neighbors before and I have been cringing every time they pull into their driveway lately because our weeds, front yard, flower beds etc are out of control and I expect them to file a complaint with the city any day now. So, me and the weed wacker are outside together getting things straightened up and taking a breather every now and then. 9:30 a.m. rolls around and my husband comes home…dammit! I’m enjoying my solitude and he drags his butt in saying he left early because he just didn’t want to be there anymore today. Now, I understand not wanting to be there but I’m a little ticked because I was enjoying my time alone. I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, an extrovert. If I do not have regular sessions of alone time, I lose my mind. Imagine my relief when he left to do errands and took my first “no” as an ok answer. In and out, enjoying the sunshine and the solitude. What a blessing today. He’s home and napping now…more solitude…yes!

So I click on Rosie’s blog and read today’s entry and am applauding her comments at the end. “It’s my blog after all…a little peace for us all.” I like it. She turns them on and off as the mood takes her and I love it. What is up with all the name calling and stuff that goes on in this world? Good grief. Who has time for all that arguing and fighting online of all places? I would hope we as a people would be much more caring and nurturing. If all those folks have enough time to do all that nastiness, maybe they should get a real life. What is really important in this life of ours anyway? Which leads me to my stranger friend, Lightfeather’s, blog. I am completely stunned every time I read her words. Such honesty, openness, kindness and wisdom shine through in her writing. What a treat. It’s interesting to see the differences in the comments left for her and the comments left for Rosie. Rosie may be “famous” but she is still a person and has feelings and issues and needs and wants like we all do. That’s the reality I think. We are all just people and whatever we feel inside, it’s a safe bet there are many, many more out there who feel similar things. The size of our bank account doesn’t make any difference when we get down to the important stuff. It saddens me to see so much ugliness and hatred.

On to other things. My daughter graduates from high school in about 3 weeks. Yesterday as my mom was getting hooked up to her chemotherapy drugs, the nurse and I got to chatting. We laughed at the thought of mom needing recuperation because she had graduation to think of and get ready for…party etc. When the nurse discovered it was my daughter graduating she got this stunned look on her face and said “You aren’t old enough to have a daughter graduating!” I just nodded my head and she said “What? Did you have her when you were twelve?” It made my day! I told her I would soon be 40 and she looked at me in disbelief and said “No way! You look so much younger. I would have guessed 30 at the outside!” Yippeeeeeee! I graduated high school 22 years ago today and my brother’s ashes were buried 4 years ago today. When we marched down the aisle to Pomp and Circumstance, I never could have dreamed so much would happen between then and now…that my brother would be gone and my sister would be gone and my dad and soon my mom. I feel excitement for my indigo girl (thank you for that term Lightfeather!) and sadness at the same time. A beginning, an ending, a life in the making. Where will she be in 22 years? It’s passed so quickly.

As I said goodbye to my mother yesterday, she was laying in the hospital bed with chemo drugs dripping into her body. I walked into the infusion room and found her laying on her side sleeping. One of the drugs makes her very drowsy. I knew I needed to leave but was reluctant to wake her so I just touched her hand. She opened her eyes (they looked very, very green yesterday) and got a hint of a smile on her face. Something about the way the light touched the wrinkles on her face and the look in her eyes brought this enormous lump to my throat. I don’t know much about premonitions or intuition or whatever it’s called but I “saw” my mom all gray and dying at the same time she smiled at me. Through my mind went the thought “I’m going to hold this memory right here in my heart forever.” The doctor pushed on her liver yesterday and it was tender. She pushed on her chest and it wasn’t. Another CT scan in two weeks will tell the tale. One life just beginning, one life reaching it’s end. My daughter, my mother. The circle of life is astounding in it’s simplicity. Peace.

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One response to this post.

  1. Oh my goodness! I never expected me to be in your blog tonight. Blessings my sweet friend.

    I am so glad that you got some alone time. I remember one time trying to do that and “he” stayed home too. It made me want to go back to work and not waste the day. I think sometimes we just give and give and give and know that we need to recover somehow. In the silence. This year has been a blessing in so many ways for me, even during the most difficult times, I have had the opportunity to recoup, meditate, and experience joy and peace in the silence.

    You are right about Rosie too. I think that folks forget that she is human. Just like they are. Celebrity and fame do not make a person less fragile.

    I love to visit your blog. You are so affirming to me. Of what life is all about. I am not the only one with the same kinds of feelings. I haven’t forgotten to write.There is so much to say, I don’t really know where to start!

    I love you,
    Lightfeather

    Reply

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