Archive for June 1st, 2005

sooo

I get up this morning and my husband, who has spent the previous night haranguing (how on earth do I spell that word? sigh) me about money, is ignoring me. Always on the first of the month this little “chat” happens. He is uptight and nervous and if he can’t control it, it’s an issue. I, on the other hand, am so accustomed to not having money, I look at him and think (and sometimes to my detriment actually say) what, exactly is the big, freakin’ deal? We always make it, I’m good at improvising and the girls have what they need so tell me again what the issue is? I have got to learn not to dance this little dance. There are no winners.

Last night I heard (you guessed it…again) about how I am in-attentive to detail, a liar and I make everything bigger than it needs to be. This is the same man who told me last month that because I didn’t agree with him I was unreasonable. The same man who threw donuts in a hissy fit (and now claims not to remember) and the same man who repeatedly tells me (in his most grown up voice too) “YOU started it!”

If he asks me a question and I don’t want to answer it, I am accused of hiding something from him. If I want to get the mail, I am told I must be hiding something and then asked what did I do this time. If I mention that I’m thinking of moving with my daughters, I hear about “how sad it is that I don’t feel in control of my life”. So, ok…I am being ignored with brilliance this morning and I am relieved. At last, I think, a bit of peace. Oh contraire. When I arrived at work and opened my email, I had 6 or 7 emails from him…apologizing for last night, asking me how I was this morning, did I need anything and yada yada blah blah…I made the choice not to answer his emails for a bit because (ohmy…I had actual work to do!) An hour went by and my phone rings. Since part of my job is answering phones, that is not a surprise, however this phone call was from my husband. It was only the beginning. He works just across the parking lot from me as we are both employed by the same place and he wanted to know why I hadn’t opened my email and replied. I won’t go into my replies but I will tell you this wasn’t the last phone call from him about it all. This is a common occurrence. I have no peace. I have no breathing room. I have no relief. It is almost constant. It’s like having a 4th child who is younger than my 12 year old.

One of the myriad of emails I opened today said “I love you hunny. I’m so glad you love me so much.” If you’d seen the rest of them, you’d understand why this kind of creeped me out. He doesn’t want to get another divorce. This is the 2nd marriage for both of us. He was gone when I arrived home from an appointment last night and when he got home he had pie. He said “I can’t seem to do anything right so I figured I’d buy your favor.” WTF???

I know this is odd. I know it’s unhealthy. I just don’t know what to do about it right now. What a mess and I have only myself to blame. Grrrrrrrrrrr…how the hell did my life end up such a soap opera? OyVey. Peace.

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