I get up this morning and my husband, who has spent the previous night haranguing (how on earth do I spell that word? sigh) me about money, is ignoring me. Always on the first of the month this little “chat” happens. He is uptight and nervous and if he can’t control it, it’s an issue. I, on the other hand, am so accustomed to not having money, I look at him and think (and sometimes to my detriment actually say) what, exactly is the big, freakin’ deal? We always make it, I’m good at improvising and the girls have what they need so tell me again what the issue is? I have got to learn not to dance this little dance. There are no winners.

Last night I heard (you guessed it…again) about how I am in-attentive to detail, a liar and I make everything bigger than it needs to be. This is the same man who told me last month that because I didn’t agree with him I was unreasonable. The same man who threw donuts in a hissy fit (and now claims not to remember) and the same man who repeatedly tells me (in his most grown up voice too) “YOU started it!”

If he asks me a question and I don’t want to answer it, I am accused of hiding something from him. If I want to get the mail, I am told I must be hiding something and then asked what did I do this time. If I mention that I’m thinking of moving with my daughters, I hear about “how sad it is that I don’t feel in control of my life”. So, ok…I am being ignored with brilliance this morning and I am relieved. At last, I think, a bit of peace. Oh contraire. When I arrived at work and opened my email, I had 6 or 7 emails from him…apologizing for last night, asking me how I was this morning, did I need anything and yada yada blah blah…I made the choice not to answer his emails for a bit because (ohmy…I had actual work to do!) An hour went by and my phone rings. Since part of my job is answering phones, that is not a surprise, however this phone call was from my husband. It was only the beginning. He works just across the parking lot from me as we are both employed by the same place and he wanted to know why I hadn’t opened my email and replied. I won’t go into my replies but I will tell you this wasn’t the last phone call from him about it all. This is a common occurrence. I have no peace. I have no breathing room. I have no relief. It is almost constant. It’s like having a 4th child who is younger than my 12 year old.

One of the myriad of emails I opened today said “I love you hunny. I’m so glad you love me so much.” If you’d seen the rest of them, you’d understand why this kind of creeped me out. He doesn’t want to get another divorce. This is the 2nd marriage for both of us. He was gone when I arrived home from an appointment last night and when he got home he had pie. He said “I can’t seem to do anything right so I figured I’d buy your favor.” WTF???

I know this is odd. I know it’s unhealthy. I just don’t know what to do about it right now. What a mess and I have only myself to blame. Grrrrrrrrrrr…how the hell did my life end up such a soap opera? OyVey. Peace.


8 responses to this post.

  1. Well, kiddo…there are no easy answers. Just think about the kids and realize that their perception of what a relationship is supposed to be will be what they’re seeing right this red hot second. And is it possible that he really doesn’t remember his outbursts? I mean, there are anger disorders that cause that to happen, so maybe he has a real problem that requires therapy or something. That’s not to make excuses for him, but I think he needs SOME kind of help.

    If you decide you need to remove yourself and your children from that environment, please don’t think of it as a failure. The only failure is in not being honest with yourself and staying around because you’re too afraid to go. And if in being honest with yourself you really want to stay, then get some therapy, for you as a couple and as individuals. Something has to change, and at this point, it doesn’t appear that it will without some help. I will keep you in my prayers.

    And, thanks for the kind words about my mom. The surgery is scheduled to begin in 15 minutes. I’ll keep you updated. I’m a wreck.


  2. Sorry to hear about your husband. I think it is good to get things off your chest and talk them through….and by using your blog and speaking with a therapist/counselor, that is exactly what you are doing.

    I really like your blog. You seem like a very genuine, good, caring woman.

    BTW – I saw your picture in your profile, and you DO NOT look like you are 39 years old!! I would guess you to be 30 or in your early 30s.


  3. Sending you big hugs.. I know right now it seems confusing about what to do. . but i hope that you will soon see what you need to do..before he takes away any more of your wonderful, sweet spirit..


  4. ugh I hate this for you.
    The denial that there is a problem, the acting as if nothing happened, when you know it did.
    The unwillingness to just discuss the problem maturely.
    This is what breaks people up. Not the problem. But the choice not to work it out and sweep it under the run. Eventually you cant walk on the run for all the crap under it.


  5. that would be RUG…
    ok time to stop typing as
    I cant even see the typos at this point abviously !


  6. thanks for your sincere comments on my blog. i pray your daughters never have to experience a successful attempt. i hate to hear about the turmoil you and your daughters are going through now. my thoughts are with you.


  7. It just sounds like another form of abuse to me (a former abuse sufferer myself). Sit back and re-read what you wrote. Think about it as if you were your best friend. What would you say? This manipulation has got to stop. Check out this information on borderline personality disorders. You might also want to check out antisocial personality disorders at the same website. There is no cure for this, there is no medication. Potentially, there is hope for some degree of normalcy after years and years of therapy. But not always, sometimes thats just how they are and there’s no changing it.


  8. I am so trying to be light hearted tonight. Can you say Dysfunction Junction?

    I love you so much. When does the craziness end? I heard the same thing today.

    Mirror images.

    Thank you for loving me. You are always in my thoughts and prayers dear one.



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