parades and guilt

Last night my daughter marched in her last parade. I marched right along with them carrying water to refresh them along our almost 3 mile journey. It was dark and tons of people lined the streets and as tired as I was, I am so glad I went with her on this last musical jaunt of her high school career. Fun and memories. My husband later told me that, as he snapped a picture of us going by where they were watching, a woman sitting next to him asked “Is that your daughter?” He just said “Yep.” The lady was asking about me. Odd. Funny. Very cool indeed.

We arrived home and I read some email I had received and re-read some email I had sent then went to bed. I woke this morning (ok, it was really afternoon) feeling guilty. Guilty because I was sure I totally suck with money. Guilty because often times I just don’t feel I do many things right. Guilty because of email I wrote a few days ago. Guilty because I still haven’t heard from my father-in-law. Guilty because guilt is something I am good at I think.

My ex husband (who shall from here on out be referred to as the sperm donor) has not paid child support in a regular manner for two years now. It isn’t that he can get out of it that easily, it’s that he hasn’t had a regular job in that long. First, he was hurt on the job and neglected to tell our state child support agency so I just didn’t get any money and had to call and find out why on my own. Then it was because he lost his job due to his injuries and the release his doctor refused to give him. Then he couldn’t find a job and wouldn’t take a low paying job because it offended his manhood or some such stupid thing. Now it’s because he has a job only it’s an on call position so he doesn’t always make the same amount of money and on and on it goes. Thanks to an insurance settlement he received and tax returns each of the last two years, he is only about 10,000 dollars behind. The loans etc that I’ve had to get over this period of time to keep afloat have created such a drain on my little family and some days I wonder what I am doing wrong to be in such a mess.

My current husband is, to say the least, extremely angry…at the sperm donor, at the situation, at me. I keep hearing about it and hearing about it like there is something else I can do about it other than what I’m doing. I feel guilty. Guilty that I can’t seem to make my tightened budget work every month. Guilty that I can’t beat it out of the sperm donor. Guilty that I end up every month overdrawn. Guilty that I can’t do what I used to be able to do for my daughters. Just guilty. It is a useless and destructive emotion to be sure. Logically, I understand that this situation is not of my making. Logically, I get that I am doing the best I can do. Logically, I understand the difficulty is temporary and that I didn’t start it or make it happen, I am just making the best of a bad situation. Emotionally, I feel I’ve done something wrong to experience some bad karma or whatever it is. Emotionally, I am drained every month by the hoops I must jump through to keep my bills paid. Emotionally, every time my husband gets angry over this situation, I want to kill him. Emotionally, I am a wreck.

Why do sperm donors believe they don’t have to take care of their children? Why do step fathers not treat their wives children as if they are their own? Where in our society have we gone so wrong that it is ok to be so irresponsible for what is ours? How can father’s sleep at night when they know their children are doing without the things they need? What is wrong with people? Grrrrrrrr….Sob…..



4 responses to this post.

  1. Oh honey, I am so sorry you are going through this. Again, familiar. Too familiar. Some of my own design. The guilt especially. I keep saying, “you know if he was the prize, I would still be with him.” He’s not. He is Peter Pan. The man-child that never grew up. Now I am married to the man who prides himself on the fact that at work, his nickname is “Little Hitler.” I have also learned that they “lovingly call him, “the bulldog” which I guess is fine as a manager(although I would never work for someone like that) but when he gives, it is always with strings. Conditions. Baggage. So I try to make it on my own with my kiddo, feeling guilty because I probably could do better, especially since he does have the funds to give, but always with strings. Always the carrying on about the ex-husband, the chater about how she could be making better grades in college, how she this, how she that, how I this, how I that. It seems to be a no brainer to me simply to NOT take the money. The price seems too high. But I live with the guilt. You know?

    We do the best when can. Always. When we know better, we do better. I think we are starting to know better.

    I love you,

  2. ((((Traci))))) Things will get just have to pray that they will, and I will as well.

  3. money was always and issue in my house growing up because my dad would not pay child support. my mom spent all her retirement plus loans just to keep us running. i am sorry for the ongoing stress you face with this issue. you are doing what you can, keep your head up.

  4. I am sorry for what you are going through.
    Sometimes men suck….literally suck.
    I have seen this with my brother and Annie’s ex.
    Annie lived a life of financial hell because of that well respected man and nurse in his community….what a dad.

    Thanks for your comment on my blog.
    I have never put these words on paper and thought it time. I got over the abuse years ago so, now it’s not painful. I just want it said.

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