I have the next five days off. Tomorrow I will go to the doctor with my mom. Today I received my copy of the CT scan report Mom had done last week. In only 49 days her primary lung tumor has grown a total of 3 centimeters. THREE CENTIMETERS! This tumor that will take my mother away has gone from being the size of a quarter, originally, to being the size of an orange. Fluid is back in her lungs and she has some issues with her liver. Who knows what the doctor will tell us tomorrow. Who knows what my mother will hear tomorrow. This is what I know. Last October the doctor told me that, based on how quickly the tumor started growing again after all the chemotherapy and radiation, mom probably had between 6-9 months left. It’s now mid-June. The math is pretty simple. I keep reminding myself that the initial surgeon told us a year, maybe. That was almost two years ago. Doctors have statistics and prognosis’ and averages. People are none of those things.


Friday is my oldest daughter’s last day of school and Monday she will graduate from high school. My baby. She is amazing. Tonight she performed a difficult (as in she’s worked on it for a year) trumpet solo and it was so beautiful. Her sister (my daughter #2) even said “OhMyGod, Mom, she’s GOOD!” If you knew these two girls, you’d know that was big. I got online tonight wanting to figure out how to link my flickr account to this blog so I could do a photo stream thing but my brain is too fried to figure it out. Maybe next time. I know there is someone around here (Annie) who can help me do it! TeeHee!

Our concert excursion was special. Daughter #3 (she’s 12) won back stage passes to meet Terri Clark and she was so psyched! It was nice and we have pictures and everything. Her friends were so jealous! Yes, she has been milking it all week. : )

I have much to write and no way to let it out right now. My thoughts are jumbled and my eyes alternate between weeping and drooping. My body, my brain want sleep “perchance to dream” or not. Grief is a struggle. It is wearing. Even after sleep, my body feels unrested. Pain of one form or another is a constant. Tears happen off and on. My heart knows it will get worse, much worse, before it gets better. Good days are a blessing and so appreciated. Sunshine and blue sky…so beautiful and hope inspiring. Summer is coming along with my birthday (the big 40), please don’t let my mommy die on my birthday. Isn’t it odd the things that go through our minds? All I can think is please don’t let her die on my birthday. All this for a woman who has not been the best mom…odd indeed to know it will hurt so badly when she leaves. A nightmare in the wings…just waiting. Sad. Frightening. Truth. Time.



5 responses to this post.

  1. It is hard, but you have to see it as a blessed curse. Enjoy the time you actually will have with her, however that much that will be. I will keep keading, your family will be in my thoughts.


  2. I am so sorry about your mother. I will keep you in my thoughts. Just value the time you have left and if you need anything, let me know and I will do whatever I can, even if its only a nice word.



  3. Oh geeze Traci, I wish there was better news about your mom.
    I don’t have any sage advice at all. I wish I did.

    Sorry I have been off line and didn’t read your request for flickr help.
    I’ll be off work tomorrow night for four days and will be happy to help you add it to your blog.
    Sign up for flickr if you haven’t already.
    Load pictures if you know how.
    If not we will start there.

    Graduation… been there as you know. It is so very bitter sweet.
    Enjoy it and let yourself feel it.
    I was too caught up in the excitement of the moment and all the screaming to cry.
    I cried later though.

    Take care of you too while you are busy caring for everyone else.



  4. My mom had a brain tumour 3 years ago. It was fatal unless she had radiation right away and she did. She is good now. When I first heard I thought this is it. Her type of tumour cannot get over 4 cm and hers was 3.5. I hope for your mom she can fight it off.
    Sending your karma now


  5. I am sending you hugs and a candle to light your way. Through the good times and the bad. You remain my special friend.

    Love you,


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