lordy, lordy

Now I’m 40. I stayed up just to try out the number. Hmmmmm…all I can say is “Wow!” The past day or two has been difficult. They involved my family and that should be enough of an explanation. Oy vey. My daughters. My husband. My mother. My aunts & uncles. My cousins. My cousin’s children. Too many. Too much. Next year I will not be celebrating the 4th or my birthday with anyone but my daughters and my husband if he’s still on the scene. I’m tired of the drama. I plan to live to 100 and I figure if I’ve got 60 more years on this planet, I am damn well going to live them like I believe they should be lived. So there…and if I could draw a picture of me sticking out my tongue right here in this box, I would do that too.

Seven years ago this week my ex husband tried suicide. 7-8-98. A day that will live in infamy. At least for me anyway. Two days after I turned 33. Since then, odd things happen during this week in July and I wonder if it’s not a complete and total karma thing. Whatever. I am reminded that this is MY life. It’s not a dress rehearsal and I need to do what feels best for me. If I could do a new year’s resolution and actually believe I’d stick with it, I would resolve to take better care of me and not worry so much about what others (husband, family) think. Do you know he came home today and said “What did you do all day?” Hells Bells…I wanted to smack him. It was like a flashback and it was not a good one. I took the flippin’ day off and I slept in and I read and I slept some more and if I want to parade around naked in my back yard singing Yankee Doodle Dandy I damn well will do what I want on my day off! My ex used to say “I don’t know what the problem is, you stay home all day and all you do is take care of the kids.” If you don’t think that caused some god awful fights… it still pisses me off only now I think it’s because I’m always worried I’m not doing enough and feel guilty about so much almost all the time. Again with the Oy vey.

Well, well, well…this has turned into a bit of a rant and I suppose I’d better finally shove off and go to bed. It is my birthday after all and I need my beauty sleep! ROFL Peace to all who enter here.

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7 responses to this post.

  1. happy birthday traci. you deserve more than this on your special day. even in a rant, your vision is so pure and logical. i hope your sleep tonight is deep and peaceful. love to you on the anniversaire of your birth.

    Reply

  2. Happy Birthday !

    My Mother always told me that life begins at forty. I have to say I totally agree with her. I feel comfortable in my own skin now. It is a freedom we earn with the passing of time.

    Have a wonderful day.

    p.s.
    was it fate ? did you notice that your post was at 12:27–your birth time? just wondering.

    Karen

    Reply

  3. HAPPY BIRTHDAY Traci!!!
    Wishing you the best, because you deserve the best..
    Birthday Hugs to you,
    Leane

    Reply

  4. Happy Birthday Traci..Have a great day and enjoy ever min of it!

    Best wishes to you for good health and happiness always.

    Reply

  5. Happy Birthday !!!
    40 is wonderful.
    Sorry for the drama that you had to endure on the fourth.
    Family stuff just sucks sometimes.

    I read other posts too..
    I agree about missing someone who died that you didn’t
    really get along with. I’m sorry you feel that too.
    My mom is that for me.
    I also miss a father I never knew, weird I know.

    Make this week a great one for you and if
    anyone tells you not to
    tell them off big time !

    Reply

  6. Oh Traci! I missed your birthday! I am so sorry! But today is a better day. No expectations, no nothings but my wishes for you for a perfect day and a perfect life. I would tie it up in a gold ribbon and present it in golden sunlight. Yes, that’s exactly what I am going to do. Tie up my perfect wishes for you in gold ribbon and present them in sundrenched beauty. Here is your perfect day!

    Love you lots,
    Lighty

    Reply

  7. Happy Belated Birthday:
    I wrote what I wrote because as I am sure you know like yourself…that is what I feel.

    But on a different note….after
    I wrote “that one”…I wrote
    a short post for LeaLea who requested I resume my Yiddish word of the day….if nothing else you can learn a new word…and it’s
    a very good word.

    The 4th did not really take it’s toll. I am starting the prep work for my stem-cell-transplant….
    So the drugs make you sick…but
    it’s all good…I write some in the blog about “that pesky cancer”

    Thanks for stopping by…
    and take care.

    Sarah

    Reply

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