tears and fears

Two of my daughters got home awhile ago from spending some time with their father at a local swimming hole. I knew something was wrong when he asked to come in for a moment instead of just letting them out of the car and pulling out. It seems that daughter #2 and his new wife’s son #1 almost drowned this afternoon. At the swimming hole. In front of a bunch of people. And lifeguards. He rescued them. My dirtbag, lousy excuse for a father, idiot ex husband rescued my baby. He was scared and crying so I listened calmly while he told me what happened and he hugged the girls and left. Then I held my daughter while she cried and told me what happened. And then I held my daughter #3 while she cried and told me what happened. I got them to take their showers and snuggled them for awhile and then told them I needed to come write about this so I could begin my own process of dealing with the sick fear I feel. It’s odd but I had a strange feeling about them going swimming today. Very seldom do I think about not letting them go with their father. Today I did think about it for some reason. As my girlie was describing to me the burning feeling in her lungs and her belief that she was going to die and how frightened she was, it was all I could do not to scream thinking about what life would be like without her. This child is quite literally the light of my life. I got pregnant with her after 13 months of trying and two rounds of fertility drugs. I never thought I’d have another baby and I wanted her so much. She is as different from daughter #1 as night is from day and it has quite literally been a joy and an honor to watch her grow up. My other daughter, #3, arrived after 10 months of trying and 4 rounds of fertility drugs and she is the sweetest thing. I watched her face today as her sister talked about what happened in the water and I just know she was imagining what her world would be like without her as well. Once upon a time, not too long ago, she told her sister that if something happened to her she would never want to smile again. These two girls love each other so much. I am so grateful my baby is ok this evening. I bet that I will cry off and on for several days about this though as my brain and body process that fear. I just pray I can help my girls as much as they need me to help them. Peace.


5 responses to this post.

  1. My prayers are with you…You are a strong woman, and you will give your girls what they need. I know it.

    I don’t want to begin to imagine being in your position with jadette. She is the biggest blessing I’ve ever received. I miscarried 2 before her, and then tried all the fertility stuff for a year with no luck. I don’t ever want to know the fear you have. Ever. I am so sorry that she had to go through that, and that you and the other girls have to know that fear too.


  2. I have looked directly in the eye of that kind of fear. I wish it on nobody, especially a mother. When my baby girl was in 2nd grade stranger danger tried to kidnap her right outside our house. Her father left her alone for just a minute. It is a long story that I will save for another time. I just want to reach out and hold you my friend. Cry as you should but also know the blessing that is yours. Breathe and feel the love.


  3. oh my gosh…
    I am so thankful your babies are home safe and with you now.
    you have to be so shaken by this.
    hugs to you and tears of fear and thanks truly will come for a while I am sure.


  4. traci, that is so scary and awful. i am SO thankful that your babies are okay. my heart stopped just reading about this. you are such a wonderful mother. the love is yours to give. and they are so blessed to have you.


  5. OMG! Thankgoodness they are safe…I can’t imagine what u must be feeling right now..Too overwhelmed with emotion..Give them lots of hugs tonight.


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