thinking

Do you ever just get tired of thinking? I’ve got a few days off and this morning I went to the doctor for my yearly powwow with him. After blood drawing and chatting for quite awhile about all that is going on in my life at the moment, he writes my scrip and says come back in two weeks or so and we’ll start talking about this cholesterol program. Ok, no biggy. It’s written in my genetic code that I am going to have to work to keep my cholesterol levels controlled. Diet, exercise, meds. I get it. I’ve known this was coming for the last two years and since my mother and all her siblings take meds for the same thing, it really is no surprise. I’m not even worried about it so much. What does get to me, however, is the thinking…always with the thinking.

First, when I see my mom, who still smokes like a chimney, I want to hold my breath. I am so panicky. I understand that logically, I am at a very low risk for lung cancer because I don’t smoke and I haven’t lived with my mom for 22 years. That doesn’t change the panic. Or the breath holding. Or the thoughts that I need to go to the doctor every freaking day for the rest of my life to make sure I catch “it” before it gets too far along…whatever the “it” of the moment is. I like to think I’ve had a pretty straightforward view of health and health related issues. I don’t panic over childhood illnesses or accidents. I don’t believe my children have to go to the doctor for every single sniffle. I’m pretty laid back about it all. My husband freaks out if he gets a twinge in his arm, or his back, or anywhere else for that matter. I get sick of listening to him. Sometimes I think “If I have to hear about one more fucking symptom or pain or hitch, I am going to take his head off!” What is the deal with that anyway? His daughter is that way, his son is that way and his ex wife is that way. His ex wife even calls here to talk about her pains and those of their children. Their children are 25 and 22! Give me a break people. If they’re not old enough to take care of themselves, you all have royally FUBR’d your parenting duties.

So, anyway, now I get panicky. My therapist says it’s pretty normal given the stunningly rapid death of my father and the approaching death of my mother and I agree with her. It still doesn’t change the panic…at least not yet. I keep talking to myself and reminding myself these feelings are normal for this time in my life and I try not to worry too much. All this leads to stress eating. Can we say blimp? I knew we could!

My oldest daughter is leaving for college in approximately 6 weeks. She is totally excited and I am excited for her. I am so proud of her…and me too… because I got her there. The child who I was sure would be the death of me, is almost ready to fly the coop. What a huge accomplishment for both of us. I was sure for awhile she was going to end up in jail or something and now look. She’s flying high. I’m grateful she’s going and worried about how different it will be too. I just want to stop thinking about it for awhile.

I get online to read email, catch up with friends and check out Rosie’s blog while I’m at it. She writes of politics and what’s going on in our world with such fervor and sadness and strength and anger at times. I admire her and her words get me thinking… there is that word again. THINKING. I get so tired…of thinking and worrying and wondering and hoping and talking. Sometimes I just want to forget that our troops are dying in a war that has nothing to do with terrorism or Osama Bin Laden. Sometimes I just want to forget that I have friends who are in hiding right now because they have husbands who could very possibly kill them if they don’t stay safe. Sometimes I just want to forget that parents die and children grow up and move on. Sometimes I just want to forget that children get hurt everyday by parents and caregivers who have no right to mistreat them so. Sometimes I just want to forget that people I’ve never met are struggling to live in hospitals way across the country…and I worry. Sometimes I just want to forget that there is ugliness and pain and suffering and horror in this world I live in.

I don’t want to worry that my children will be safe on the way to school or on the way home. I don’t want to have to tell my daughters to be aware of their surroundings 100% of the time so they can keep themselves safe. I don’t want to know that one of my daughters friends does drugs and drinks to forget that her mother doesn’t want her to live at home anymore. I want to forget there are people in our lives who believe the only way out is suicide. I want to forget the worry and the fear and the death and the reality that this life of ours is so very temporary.

I want to remember the joys of creating and giving birth to my daughters. I want to remember how happy I felt the day I got married…both times even! I want to remember the joy of first footsteps and first words and first days of school. I want to remember little girl giggles as the snowflakes fall and the wide eyed wonder of packages under the tree on Christmas morning. I want to remember how beautiful our flag looks while blowing in the breeze with the bright blue summer sky for a background. I want to remember beautiful voices and big blue eyes and newborn cries and all the good and wonderful things about people…those I’ve met and those I haven’t. I want to believe there is good in this world…in spite of the ugly. I want to believe that terrorists have mothers who love them and that our president really cares about what happens to our soldiers and to our country.

I want to believe that there is a god and that he/she cares about what happens to us. I want to believe that whatever happens after we die is good and positive and that people who pass judgement on others will finally understand that it is not their place to do so. I want to believe that there are no bullies in our schools and that children don’t go to school every day scared. I want to believe that education matters enough to ensure that those who provide the education are adequately compensated. I want to believe that everyone can see a doctor if they need one and have a roof over there heads if they so desire. I want to stop worrying so much and start believing in more. I want to believe that I can make the world a better place and that I can teach my children the same. Peace.