just stuff

I was gone this past weekend. Two of my daughters were with me. We were at a retreat for the Stepping Stones group we have attended since the girls stepmother committed suicide last summer. It was a special time…lots of difficult stuff however I know it was so helpful to my daughters…and me. I’m grateful we went. Saturday night after the memorial service we had, the girls and I went back to our room and I discovered 17 messages on my cell phone. I don’t believe I’ve ever had 17 messages anywhere in my life! I was certain something had happened to my mother although as I listened to the messages, I understood it was something entirely different. There were messages from my husband, from daughter #1, from my aunt, from my mother…I feel sick to my stomach just writing it all. As a bit of background information…my husband and daughter #1 have never gotten along. NEVER. She is the most difficult person I have ever known and he is the second most difficult person I’ve ever known…well, maybe my dad was more difficult but… Anyway, it seems he spent the day with his two children at the fair and came home to ask #1 if she’d do something with the dirty dishes. That is apparently all it took to begin the drama. She began screaming at him, cursing him up one side and down the other, screeching, I’m sure. He says she threatened him and he told her he was going to call the police. (the police have been called regarding this daughter at various other times in her life but not in the last several years) She freaked out and screamed louder. He packed up and left. She called my mother (oh gawd) and my mother showed up at my house (OH GAWD) and then it got really good. When I got all these messages two hours after the fact, I called home first and my mom answered the phone. She was pissed…at husband, not daughter. I talked to daughter then talked to husband, then my aunt, then again my mom. My mom says “If #1 says she didn’t do it, she didn’t do it!” I said “That is not necessarily true mom.” I reminded her that #1 has been known to lie, steal, curse and threaten. My lovely mother then replied “Well it’s no wonder she’s like she is, she doesn’t even have her mother behind her.” To say that set me off would be like saying Mt. Everest is a mole hill. By the time it was over I was screeching at my mother and sobbing hysterically and telling her to go home and leave my daughter alone. I can’t even begin to go into all the things that were said…suffice it to say it was horrible and lots of it was about my dad accompanied by my mom denying it all. Before I was finished, two of the counselors at the retreat were outside sitting with me and hugging me. It was horrible…absolutely…sigh… We made it home Sunday. My daughter went to hang out with a friend. Husband had spent the night at his son’s home. I talked to daughter…sent my mom home…called husband and he begins by telling me he’ll have help on Monday. I asked why Monday and he replied “The courthouse will be open and I’ll be getting a restraining order.” The long and short of it is that I said if my daughter can’t be here then I won’t be here and I resent you making me choose. He started backtracking after that and telling me how he doesn’t want to lose me and he loves me but I’m making a conscious choice not to help my daughter and on and on and on. Finally I felt like I couldn’t take one more thing…hung up and called my therapist and left a message. I thought maybe if I just got it out, I’d be able to calm down and figure out what to do. She ended up calling me back FROM NEW HAMPSHIRE! I felt terrible for interrupting her vacation but she is the only sane person I could get ahold of so I just said thank you for calling. She said they need to be separated. I said how hard is that? She’s got less than a month before college. Can she stay with a friend? I don’t know. After we were done, I felt calmer but still had no answers. Not many people know about my daughters history. She began her journey through the mental health system at the young age of 6. She ran out of her classroom because someone had taken her baseball card screaming that she was going to kill herself and then ran off the school grounds. Thank god someone got to her. She has been through therapy, anger management, has taken every psychiatric drug known to man, had every blood test, brain scan etc available. She has been in the children’s mental health ward at a hospital here in the area for 10 days during 4th grade. They wanted to see her anxiety. We had found her curled up under the dining room table screaming that we were trying to starve her after we told her breakfast would be a bit late. Her behavior the past few years has been so greatly improved however there are still periodic episodes like this weekend. She is a genius. Her IQ measured 187 when she was 9 years old. She can’t stand things binding or rubbing on her and if her routine is interrupted she loses control. Music truly has been her salvation and I will honestly admit I am relieved she is going off to school at this point in time. She needs something more than I’ve ever been able to find for her and now she needs to be responsible for it herself. I pray she will figure it out. I called my mom yesterday and she refused to talk to me. What a mom eh? I did talk with her today and I hope she understands there isn’t enough time left to behave like an ass but only time will tell. She is convinced I need to leave my husband and I’ll admit I don’t know what will happen to my marriage but I will never choose another person over one of my children. I was abandoned too many times as a child to be able to make that choice. I simply could never do it. Life goes on but sometimes it bites. Peace.


11 responses to this post.

  1. Oh Traci.. what a freaking mess 😦

    Hugs Hugs and more Hugs coming your way.

    I wish you strength courage and peace… and a nice long hot soak in a tubful of bubbles.



  2. oh my gosh sweetie….
    I think I read the entire post with my mouth hanging open…
    I am so sorry all of this is going on in your life.
    I am sending many hugs to you right now.
    take care and hang on tightly,
    you are in my thoughts.


  3. Oh my sweetie. No wonder you said you had some drama. Oh my! It was the highway of hell, to say the least.

    You know in your heart what you need to do. Your soul will not lie to you. Life should be peaceful. Heaven on earth. I know this too. Dysfunction kills your spirit.

    I am holding you from far away as you have done for me for so long.

    I love you.


  4. Oh man…I am so so sorry…I am sending you happy thoughts and pixie dust


  5. I am very sorry for all the
    turmoil in your life.

    Thank you for your daily prayers,
    and support.



  6. Traci….
    I am so sorry this is something you have to face in your lie.
    damn I wish I could offer some sage advise to make it all easier.
    I can instead only offer support.


  7. (((((Traci))))I’m so sorry that you have had to deal with all this. I hope that whatever happens, that you will feel things calm down soon..Many big hugs for you, Leane


  8. I hope you are doing well.
    As always thanks for your support.


    (Life does bite)


  9. Hugs are always welcome.



  10. Tracy, you know? my grandma used to say (in spanish) that God sends cold winds in accordance with the worm cloth. (sorry if my translation isn’t good enough). I mean: You are strong enough to deal with this! you can do it! You won’t lose control at all and the only question here is how much do you trust yourself. Do it, you seem to have faced many troubles in life and succeeded. Your story is very conected with mine. coincidence? as you said: we are all conected!
    My blog is http://maridemardel.blogspot.com/
    the only troble is that it’s in spanish as I am from Argentina.
    So, from Buenos Aires get a big hug full of love.


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