just stuff

Today would have been my 22nd wedding anniversary if I had stayed married to the prick who fathered my children. That number amazes me even now. I spoke to the aforementioned prick last night and when I got off the phone my only thought was “I am so grateful that I do not live with that anymore.” I felt so sad for my daughter though who was the reason I called him. We were in WallyWorld and she was talking about how much she missed her dad and that it had been two months since she’d heard from him…so I called him. I had a feeling he was off work with another injury as I’ve been getting child support fairly regularly and that pretty much only happens when he’s getting worker’s comp. Sad but true. Once upon a time he was reliable in child support payments and in seeing his children. Anyway, he didn’t even ask daughter #2 how she was…just went on and on about how much pain he was in and what would happen and how hard it was financially for him right now and I’m like, “HELLO?!!! This is your 15 year old daughter asshole! She doesn’t need to hear all that from you! Just tell her you love her and leave well enough alone.” Of course, I was yelling this in my head and not at him because I would never speak that way to him or about him in front of my daughters. So, my daughter hands the phone back to me and he says “I’ll just be blunt about this. I’m having a hard time and I’m not fit for company or anything right now. I’m really in a depression about this injury and…” right about there, I tuned him out. I told him “It only takes a minute or two to call your children and tell them you love them. They’re not asking for much…they’re not really asking for anything…just that you love them.” He told me he’d come by today to see them. As of half an hour ago, daughter #2 says “I notice Dad’s a no show.” I asked her how she felt about that and she said “Angry, sad, angry and frustrated.” She added “Not surprised.” along with it all as an afterthought. So, after all this crap…here is my two cents about fatherhood, parenthood and all that goes with it:

IF YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE CHILDREN PAY SOME FUCKING ATTENTION TO THEM ALREADY! DO NOT JUST GO AROUND GETTING GOD KNOWS WHO PREGNANT BECAUSE YOU CAN. THESE ARE PEOPLE YOU ASSHOLES, NOT PLAYTOYS THAT YOU CAN DANCE AROUND WITH WHENEVER YOU FREAKIN’ FEEL LIKE IT! THEY HAVE FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS AND YOU MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN THEIR LIVES WHETHER YOU ARE AROUND OR NOT.

Ok, now that I’m off my soapbox I guess I’m done. Still no word from daughter #1 yet. I guess the excitement of being away from home hasn’t worn off yet and she is too busy or tired or busy or…something! Whatever it is that college kids do, I just hope she is safe and happy and I’ll be happy with that. Gawd, I love that girlie. Tonight I’m grateful:

for my daughters. They are amazing.

for the weekend. I’m wiped out lately…geez.

for email. Since my “friends” dumped me (so to speak) I don’t get nearly as much as I used to which is actually turning out to be a good thing because now it’s easier to devote time to those who are most important to me.

for self control and firmness…all used with the father of my children. Someday I swear I am going to let him have it with both barrels. I have kept all this stuff inside for a long time and every now and then it just bubbles to the surface and reminds me…that it’s good I’m not with him anymore.

for my daughters. They truly are my greatest gift and my greatest challenge and I love them so much.

I’m thinking of all who are affected by the damn hurricanes etc. Good grief, I’m almost afraid to watch the news anymore. My wish for all of you is Peace.

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4 responses to this post.

  1. I have to say I agree wholeheartedly with what you have said about parenting a child..
    Of course I have other feelings about it too, since society doesn’t think I am a fit parent.. but that’s another thing..
    I hope that he calls.. not to make him the good guy.. but for your daughter’s sake.. she deserves better and so do you.. I too am glad that you aren’t living with that anymore..
    hugs
    biscuit

    Reply

  2. Your ex sounds like my wife’s ex. Jen, our daughter, doesn’t even hear from her father anymore, unless she initiates the contact. I guess if anything good comes from this, it’s that your daughters will have a very strong bond with you as they get older, when they’re able to see things as they really are, although it sounds like they do already. Hang in there!

    Reply

  3. my daughter’s father is his twin brother except without any child support !
    Man, do I ever feel for you.
    many hugs,
    Karen

    Reply

  4. I’m grateful that your daughters at least have you to help them try to come to terms with their father’s behaviour…

    Hugs

    Julie

    Reply

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