so maybe some things are best kept to myself?

I have an issue right now with what is acceptable to write and what is not.

When I belonged to a certain group of women who I thought were friends (up until, that is, about 6 or 7 weeks ago), I really believed it was ok to talk about what was up with me…or bothering me…or making me feel happy…or cry…or…whatever.

I lived in a fairy tale world apparently where friends really wanted to know what was going on with their friends and vice versa. I’d known these women for almost 8 years. They were with me during the break up of my abusive marriage, my divorce and remarriage 4 years later. They were with me when my daughters started kindergarten, middle school, high school and graduated….through teenage turmoil and trauma, through beauty and sadness and well…just life…in all it’s glory. I admit that I fell hook, line and sinker for the whole bag of love and friendship…I guess it was for what I thought was the whole bag of love and friendship. I believed, in all my naivete, that my friends would be my friends no matter what.

I was wrong.

I learned the brutal reality that not everyone is a friend like I am.

If I am a friend, I will be a friend whether or not I always agree with you, whether or not we argue, whether or not we see each other or speak with each other every day or once a year. I am not fickle and I don’t play mind games. I am simply who I am. I will stand up for myself and for those I care about and I will support those I care about even if I don’t agree with them. I know I will always be a little bit heartbroken to have learned once again that not everyone is like this.

One of the things that created an issue (unbeknownst to me) was the fact that if I don’t eat properly, I become hypoglycemic. Who’d’a’thunk it? A health issue creating a bigger, uglier issue. Another thing that became an issue was that I assumed (you know what they say about assuming!) friends were supposed to be supportive and that I could be honest about myself and my life. Wrong again.

Anyway, what all this boils down to is now, I write here instead of there and I worry that what I say (or write) will be taken improperly and I will, once again, be labeled unacceptable. Why I care one way or the other is beyond me at the moment however there it is. No one who reads here knows my identifying information so what is the big deal eh? Somehow it is a big deal. I don’t like being attacked anymore than the next person. I simply want to “be”.

The women I believed were true friends, that I traveled with, celebrated with, cried with, grew with…are not part of my life anymore. I have things to say. I need a place to put them. When words and thoughts and feelings float around in my head without escape I begin to feel as if I am suffocating. I can only let them stay there for so long.

So I will think this over some more before continuing my writing. I feel a need to prepare myself for whatever. I would love it if I could only write about cheerful and funny things. Hell, sometimes I can and do. That said, life is not always cheerful and funny and I need to be able to write about it all. The good, the bad and the ugly. (there’s a movie in there somewhere! lol)

Until next time. Peace.

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9 responses to this post.

  1. I am sorry to hear about your friends
    sometimes in the rough patches
    you find out what you need to do
    I am hypoglycemic too it sucks
    It is hard for people to get it
    I go through phases where I don’t have it all
    and the last few weeks fuck if I miss a meal
    I am the troll
    Hang in there
    remember friendships do shift but the history
    never changes make the future they way you
    want it to look

    Reply

  2. sorry to hear that your “friends” are acting like asses.
    I’ve never been one to want to have people around me who are only “yes” (wo)men.
    Friends are supposed to be with you through thick and thin, they are the ones who will tell you things that you don’t want to hear, but need to. Friends fall in and out of each others lives, but fall right back in with each other even if they haven’t spoken for months..
    Sometimes we have to weed out the people who are unworthy in our lives.. we all have people like that around.. and a lot of times, we just keep them around cause it’s easier than dealing with.
    Sounds like you’ve been doing some housecleaning of the friend kind.. I hope that you transition well… and that you find some genuine people who are deserving to share your life with..
    peace
    biscuit

    Reply

  3. It is sad when you find that trust and love shift with friendship.

    ~Deb

    Reply

  4. I’m so sorry that you’ve been going through this. Since you do read my blog, you must know already that I don’t always say what’s “popular,” but I say what I think or what I feel. I was hesitant about it at one point, and went with my gut to just say what I thought. It cost me the “friendship” of a person or two, but so be it. We all start blogs for different reasons, but it is a place for you to be the person you are, or to work through stuff to be the person you want to be. Those who stick with you are worthy, those who don’t, never were. It’s hard, but you have to mourn the loss and move on. There are many people here who will be there for you as you do.

    Reply

  5. You, my friend, have never changed. You need to let your feelings out in a format of sorts. Remember what you said to me? DO IT! I am blessed by your gift. Keep it up!

    Lighty

    Reply

  6. Traci, there is no score card or
    right of passage for who gets to write about real things and who doesn’t.
    Those who are real will understand that on any given day we may write something funny or touching,
    depressing or uplifting. It is the nature of a blog to expect that it will contain all of the above.
    Do not censor who you are because of who may be reading.
    Write from your heart and others will be drawn to those truths because they are you.

    Please know we are here, do not judge and love reading your blog every chance we get.

    Reply

  7. Sorry to hear that you’re hurting. Friends are supposed to be there for you, no matter what.

    Biscuit pretty much said everything I would, so I’ll just say ditto to her.

    Reply

  8. I agree with the others–this is your blog to write what you want–no censorship needed for anyone. I come here and laugh, cry, feel and understand what you say. I love that this medium allows us to write down whatever is in our head at that moment. A blog is a journal. That we share it with others, well it is like a hand reaching out through a crowd. There is a connection.
    you have many friends here.
    I am sorry that this has happened and hope it stops soon. you don’t deserve it.
    hugs,
    Karen

    Reply

  9. I know I haven’t known you as long, nor gone through so many live altering things with you.. but I love to read about your thoughts and your day and I hope you continue to feel safe enough to post about who you really are.

    Hugs

    Reply

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