Last night I grabbed a (very) few moments of time on the computer. I read e-mail and a few of my favorite blogs before heading up to bed. If I was online for 10 minutes I’d be surprised. I visited my friend Jaded’s blog and followed a link she had posted. I ended up at the blog of Waiter Rant. The words I found there triggered an emotional bout of sobbing…and when I was done with the tears I had that wrung out limp dishrag kind of feeling. I slept well however and this morning came back to re-read it again. These words

“The Lord has never been welcome in the house of the righteous and the certain. Instead He walks amidst the damaged and the confused. To Him, the one that is lost is a treasure beyond price. Who are we to judge these women? They are precious treasure. Love, not hatred, is what they need.”

touched me in a way I clearly needed last night. All I could think was “If there really is a god and he walks amidst the damaged and confused…then maybe I’m not alone.”

There was a time in my life when I was so certain of what was wrong and what was right. It was a very long time ago. Now I spend my days wishing there was a clear path, an obviously right way to do things. I feel so much guilt over so many things and I know it’s not healthy…I talk to myself all day long about it and work through more “stuff” in an hour than most people would ever have a clue about.

The older I get and the more I learn, the more I realize I just don’t know. My therapist says that most people who’ve gone through the kinds of things I have survived are absolute “train wrecks”…yes, that is a direct quote. I told her “I feel like a train wreck!” She (of course) clarified that she meant the majority of people she’s worked with who have similar histories are non-functioning for the most part and definitely don’t hold down full time jobs and raise children the way I have.

I pull that conversation out almost daily and look it over because it reminds me that I can keep moving forward. I have sat at my desk at work for the last week and half and have done absolutely NOTHING. It’s like my brain is frozen right now. I answer the phones and do research on the computer. The paperwork I must get done before leaving for Thanksgiving sits in the same stack it sat in last week when I put it there. If I do much more than the minimum needed at my job, I end up crying. In short, I really do feel “damaged and confused” recently.

My mom’s best friend, Mary, called me last week. While that is not unheard of, it is unusual. She called to ask about my mom and I had to tell her I didn’t know because I just haven’t been able to call her recently. When I do call, it has to be all about her…it can’t be about me. It just doesn’t work that way. Since I really need it to be about me right now, I just take care of me and leave it at that for now. She doesn’t want to know how I am and I can’t deal with it at this time. My mom, of course, is very offended and angry that I haven’t called her.

Anyway, Mary told me, among other things, that she is very worried about me and what’s going to happen when my mom is gone because I won’t really have anyone…no “real” siblings, my dad’s gone and most of my extended family is pretty useless when it comes to comforting. To say Mary surprised me would be an understatement. I ended up telling her that I just can’t go to my mom’s house right now if we’re going to be inside because I have developed a very real phobia about being in the house with cigarette smoke. I just want to hold my breath all the time. I simply canNOT do it. My mom just doesn’t understand. I will never be able to make her understand either. So I stopped trying and am doing what I need to do. Not the popular choice by any means…it is however the necessary choice at the moment.

Along with this “drama” my heart seems to be swimming in at the moment… something else. My husband’s niece, Reesa, was date raped about 6 weeks ago. We didn’t know about it until this past weekend. My father in law said “There’s nothing you can do about this stuff anyway.” and my husband became incredibly angry with him and ended up needing to hang up. He came into the house and told me about it and asked me to write to my in-laws and explain what needs to happen to help Reesa. I questioned if this was a wise idea or not and he said “Trace, you’ve been there, you KNOW.” So, with some trepidation, I wrote the email. Reesa will be 16 in a few weeks and she is closing off and cutting herself now. I am very worried. I poured my heart into this email all the while thinking about having no one to help me while I was dealing with my own experiences. Finally, I was finished writing and after making sure they knew I was only writing because my husband had requested it, I sent it off.

The next morning I had a reply…one sentence… “Since you have had experience at it and know how to handle it, why don’t you go for it.” That was it. One fucking sentence after I had poured my heart out to them. I learned last night how much this interaction affected me. I was talking with my therapist about it and just started sobbing (again!). I’m quite a water works lately…gggggeeeezzzzzzzzzz…I have no way of knowing if my sister-in-law will get Reesa the help she needs. I would do it if I could. Reesa has stopped talking about it and begun with the cutting. That tells me all I need to know about her mental state. They told her she’s just doing it for attention and to knock it off. It’s not for attention. I feel so helpless. It’s awful.

Alrighty then, I believe I have written more than enough for one night. I am wiped out and off to bed. Tomorrow is yet another day and life does go on. Odd that.



2 responses to this post.

  1. My friend, the Lovely Cats, who is a Lutheran minister said something to me about the post you mentioned that really touched me…

    Hell is infinitely as small as Heaven is infinitely huge.

    God is merciful in ways we can’t even begin to imagine.

    You are among the strongest women I’ve ever run across in my life. Don’t diminish the strength you have by thinking that sobbing is weakness… it’s merely a release, and we all need that. And no, you are not alone.

    You reached out to a girl who clearly needed someone to hear her, to truly HEAR her. It’s horrible that her parents can’t see past their own insecurities and their own need to be done with it to actually get her the help she needs. They’re damaging her as profoundly as the rapist damaged her. I will keep her in my prayers.


  2. Traci,
    hugs sweet lady.–>


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