thanksgiving

I don’t feel like I usually feel the day after Thanksgiving. I am ordinarily excited for Christmas and the prospect of creating magic for my daughters. This time I don’t feel magical. Go figure.

Our Thanksgiving was peaceful. We ate at home…just us 5. My mom went to a friends and I was completely ok with that. We ate at dinner time which I really liked. I figured it was my house and my turkey so I could eat it when I felt like eating it! Christmas lights were hung up outside…in quantities much smaller than last year. Pretty just the same. It is tradition that we turn them off after Thanksgiving dinner.

This morning up with the chickens to go shopping. It wasn’t as fun as it usually is either. I came home and went directly back to bed and slept for 5 hours! I’m still not ready to be awake but don’t feel right about spending all day in bed. : )

I’ve read two blogs this afternoon about domestic violence and abusive behavior. One by a lovely psychologist and one by a woman dealing with her own situation of abuse and violence. They both bring back some rather ugly and sad memories. Yesterday I had quite a lecture from my husband regarding money and he was quite offended when I told him he was being extremely hypocritical. We’ve had several discussions lately about financial things and I believe the one that still pisses me off the most is when he said “If I pay 75% of the bills, then you and the girls are responsible for 75% of the housework.”

Over the past year and a half, I have gone into debt to the tune of approximately 15000 dollars. Why? Because for all this time my husband has told me it wasn’t his responsibility to take care of my children…it was their father’s job. He wouldn’t contribute to the bill paying so when I didn’t have the $$$, I put it on my credit card. Not the wisest move I understand however if they’re going to shut off the gas for non payment and the only form of payment available to you is a credit card…where are the options?

My ex husband is behind almost 8000 dollars again. It has been as high as 12000 before. This has been going on for almost 3 years. I begin almost every month with my overdraft protection maxed out. My husband wants to know why I never have any money. WTF??? During this holiday season, I am most likely finally going to give him the straight scoop…oh wait, when I say finally, I mean I am finally going to make him listen to me. He won’t like it as usual but I am not a bad person. I am sick of dealing with all this and I don’t believe I should have to do it alone anymore. He will probably feel otherwise.

Add to all this, my mom is still weird, my dad is still gone and I still feel alone in a house full of people. There is a song by Reba McEntire called “I’d rather be lonely alone.” I feel those words deep inside me whenever I hear it. I know my depression is in overdrive right now due to grief mostly and lots of changes as well. I know this too will pass. I guess I just needed to get it out of my head today.

I am grateful:

for my beautiful daughters. They are becoming incredibly amazing young women.

for my college girl being home for a few days even if she has been mostly unseen!

for my high school daughter and her determination to learn 3 languages! It’s amazing to converse with her…I never know what she’s going to surprise me with next.

for witnessing my middle school daughter’s love for her sisters in action. She is such a sweet and generous soul. I am so blessed.

for standing up for myself even when it’s difficult.

for learning more every day about all kinds of things.

for my puppy Riley being so damn cute! He’s the first puppy we’ve had who chooses me over the dog whisperer every day.

for being true to myself for the most part and discovering how to do that with integrity.

for all the lovely people I’ve been priviledged to meet through the blog world.

for having a roof over my head and food in my kitchen and a warm bed to sleep in and knowing how blessed I am to have all of it.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I hope your holiday was as special as you are. My wish for each of you this holiday season is Peace.