today…

…I yelled. At my aunt. I was at work. So was she. We both ended up crying. Fabulous.

I’ve had a bad feeling about my mom for several days. I’ve talked to her once however since I never get a straight or truthful answer from her, I called my aunt who lives with her.

The first thing my aunt asked me was “Why didn’t you have your mom over for Thanksgiving?” The next thing was “Why didn’t daughter number one call her when she was home?” My answer to both of those questions was “I knew she had other plans.” and “I don’t know, you’ll have to ask daughter #1. I am no longer her keeper.” My aunt’s reply to that was “Why not?”

I changed the subject.

Of course we ended up back at the reason for my call. I’m not sure why I decided to be honest with her but what came out of my mouth next was pretty close to a tirade. My poor aunt. It went something like this:

“I’ll tell you the truth. I don’t know why I’m telling you the truth but here it is. I cannot go to my mom’s house anymore…at least not if she’s going to smoke while I’m inside. I can’t explain exactly how it happened but right now I have the biggest phobia about cigarette smoke and I simply cannot be around it. My gramma died, my dad died, my mom is dying all from cigarettes and lung cancer…I’m terrified. I’ve had a cough for two weeks now and even though I KNOW it’s left over from being sick, I am still afraid I’m going to have to break down and go to the doctor and get my lungs x-rayed just to be sure that’s all it is. I’m pissed off at her because she didn’t care enough to stay around for me. She loves my daughters more than me and always has. She may have spent every day with her mother when she was dying…(here my aunt inserted “No, she did not. She came as seldom as possible because she couldn’t handle it and she refused to stop smoking around mama too.”)…(so I changed my words a bit)…she may want me to spend every waking minute with her but I canNOT do it. She’s worried about how people are going to think of her after she’s dead and I’ll tell you they’re going to think of her as a selfish bitch for the most part and lazy too. She is supposed to be doing so much to take care of herself and she just doesn’t do it. She won’t get off her lard ass and get moving. She doesn’t walk around, she doesn’t eat, she just sits and stares at the television and expects everyone around her to do the same. I wasn’t prepared to miss my dad because he was such an asshole and he handled his death with such grace that now I’m pissed because I can’t just remember him as an asshole anymore and here’s mom pissed off because no one comes to see her. Her oh poor me attitude is wearing thin and I just can’t DO IT. She doesn’t have anything good to say, she doesn’t call me to see how I am…she is the MOTHER here for god’s sake. I am not her mother, I don’t want to be her mother and I’m totally angry that she doesn’t seem to care how all this affects me…it’s always ‘just suck it up traci’ and ‘what’s the matter with you traci’ and ‘why don’t you know where your daughter is trace’ and on and on and on it goes. She has gone on and on and on about how she doesn’t want to die, she wants every treatment available and yet she’s had a year and a half longer than they told us she’d have and what has she done with it? She sits in her chair! That’s it. What good is an extra year and a half if you’re going to sit in your fucking chair!”

You’re getting the general idea eh? It was awful. It just came out and it was awful. My aunt told me I need to come say that to my mom and just make her cry. She needs to know she’s not the only one affected by all this and so what if she cries. She’s not going to do anything she doesn’t want to but she still needs to know what’s happening and why. Then we talked about her sleeping more and yesterday she told my aunt that she has no business driving anymore and I’m scared and angry and I can’t seem to stop crying about it all this evening.

FUCK CANCER!

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4 responses to this post.

  1. wow…sometimes you have to let things out, you need that release, and although it wasn’t your mom who got to hear it, you got a chance to say it…I have always felt the same way…that if my parents cared about being there for us they would stop all the cancer causing problems…but they didn’t and both have cancer…

    I have read alot of your blog and you are an amazingly strong person…I will continue to come by and read, thank you for being so open and honest :o) it really helps people who are going through alot of it…thank you

    Reply

  2. so do you think your aunt is right? do you think it would do any good to go and talk to her?
    you know better than anyone if you would get through to her.
    I wish I had some wonderful reassuring words to say to you but unfortunately I don’t.
    it is one of those things that only you can try to work out.
    just know that you have had to deal with a lot in your life and you have done sooo very well. listen your gut and do or don’t do whatever you feel is right.
    trust yourself.
    hugs,
    Karen

    Reply

  3. So much that goes on in our brains, isn’t it? Sometimes we don’t even know that it is there and then, BAM! It’s out of the mouth and into the universe. Just remember that it is all divine, it is all part of the journey dear friend. It is all always perfect. It really, really, is.

    I love you.
    Lighty

    Reply

  4. I can totally understand this WHOLE thing. Cancer is so terrible.

    ~Deb–>

    Reply

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