i feel…

…as if I am in a really bad dream right now and can’t wake up. This morning I heard (clear as a bell) someone call my name. It woke me up and I was totally panicked about my mom. I think part of me was sure she had come to wake me before leaving this world for where ever it is we go when we die. Of course there was no one visible in my room and my mom isn’t gone so I have no idea what it meant but it was so real.

My dad’s next youngest brother, Jerry, died Sunday night. He collapsed in his yard and never regained consciousness. When I called his wife she started telling me what happened and when she was done with that, she said “He wouldn’t be dead now if he wasn’t a 50 year smoker and drinker and if he’d watched his cholesterol and…” I interrupted her to ask how old he was because I simply could not remember. She told me he was 71. My first thought was “He’s 71 frickin’ years old…THAT’s why he died you bitch!” Of course, I didn’t say that but grrrrrrrr…Jerry was one of my favorite uncles. My dad’s not been gone 8 months yet and another one is gone. The other brother who was younger than my dad is 61 and he’s a pretty nice guy since he quit drinking years ago. He is heartbroken. Two brothers in less than 8 months.

I think this has pushed my mom right over the edge. She’s a frail little old lady at 61 and not doing so great to begin with. It’s so much death and sadness and now we have another service to attend and it won’t be as upbeat as my dad’s was. Jerry’s wife is not a nice woman. She is a member of the religious organization I am no longer a part of and all I have to say about any of that is it must be nice to always know what the right thing to do and say and believe is.

I’ve been thinking about the ‘friends’ (for lack of a better word) who disappeared from my life 3 months ago now and am concerned about writing too many negative and depressing things in this journal of mine. I have to put these thoughts somewhere though since if I don’t write them, they float around in my head driving me crazy and interfering with my ability to get anything accomplished. I took a ‘mental health’ day today just to write and have been second guessing myself all morning.

Last night I went to my therapy session and spent the whole damn time crying. Gawd I hate it when that happens. I’ve been struggling with my sessions for quite awhile…since my dad died really. I’ve missed alot of them and Sarah (god bless her) brought it up last night. To add insult to injury she then told me my last two checks had bounced. I had no idea. I am so wrecked right now that even keeping track of my meager finances seems to be totally beyond me. What the fuck is wrong with me? How completely embarrassing. I just cried more.

I realize all this talking and writing and crying serves a purpose however I’d like the hurting to be done with for now please. If I were to write here some of the things that swirl around inside my head, it would be painfully obvious that I am wacked! I wonder why it seems such a struggle right now. I want a peaceful Christmas. I am determined to have one…soooo, in the interests of making this happen for me…today I am grateful:

for my daughters.

for winning 625.00 at bingo on Sunday.

for knowing my uncle is not in pain now.

for Sarah. I’m not sure how I ended up with such a counselor however I am so thankful for her.

for my husband being sweet lately.

for sick leave.

for tree decorating this weekend. We have a party and pizza and make the tree beautiful.

for my college girl coming home Friday.

for getting amazing deals on eBay for Christmas.

for working on Christmas cards. If you would like one from me…email me your address and I will be happy to send one.

for getting more and more organized in this sty I live in.

for the cool computer monitor I was given this weekend.

for having somewhere to write my thoughts.



10 responses to this post.

  1. I often have dreams where I wake up thinking I heard someone call my name. It’s freaky. Sorry to hear about your Uncle. One of the things I’ve learned ove rthe last couple of years is that the hurting isn’t on a timetable. It’s not over just cause we want it to be. It is when it is, and you odn’t even realize it. Hang in there!


  2. I’m sure if you wrote your thoughts down we would not think that you are wacked.. you’d be surprised at the thoughts that float around our heads too. Please don’t ever feel afraid to share your thoughts and feelings.




  3. Hello Sweet Friend,

    Your thoughts are not wack. You have been through so much. Keep writing and keep the faith too. I am so sorry to hear of more struggles in your life. You deserve only blessings! Glorious blessings tied up with a silver bow!

    I love you,


  4. WOW, there is so much going on for you. I hope the comments here can help you see that you are so normal, and not crazy!



  5. Just keep breathing deeply and dwelling only on the good stuff. Sometimes things get way too overwhelming, I know… I have sooo been there. But, they always have a way of working out as long as you have faith they will. You’re so very strong, and I know you will be fine. It might just be bumpy for a little while first.

    Sorry I’m not around as much lately. I’ve been so busy it’s not even funny. But you’re always in my thoughts and prayers. Out of sight does NOT mean out of mind.


  6. hey traci – hang in there, girl. it’s rough when it seems like you can’t win for losing, but i know things will get better. have faith in that. sounds like you have so much to be thankful for.


  7. hey girl,
    thinking of you.
    Have a wonderful time decorating
    and seeing your family together
    this weekend.
    You are amazing.


  8. Traci,
    Thanks for all the support you gave to all of us. We all wish you a very Merry Christmas. Our wish for you in 2006; peace, good health, and happiness.

    Love Nikki and the sisters.


  9. PS Traci,
    I hardly think you are crazy;
    everyone one has times in life where we might think we are crazy.
    However don’t be so hard on yourself-I am saying that for Sarah!



  10. Just stopping by to check in on you my friend. Know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers.

    Loving you,


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