“there’s just something…

about you…” That’s what the loan officer said to me yesterday. She had just offered me money to get by on until the loan proceeds came through. Yes, she was offering me her own personal money and trying not to cry after my husband left when he was done signing all the loan documents. He’d been extremely rude while there and left abruptly when he was finished. It was difficult to say the least.

What on earth was that about anyway? What did she mean “there’s just something about you.” She touched my heart whatever it meant and I so appreciated her consideration during the loan process. I thought I was doing a good and practical thing however my husband disagrees totally and spent our Christmas holiday making sure I knew it. It was tense.

None of us had a great time I think. It was just “off” this year. It’s ok though. My daughters and I talked about it alot and we decided that with all the changes and losses over the past year and a half, we are going to put it down to grief and move on…determined that next year will be better and more like “old times”. We took our tree down yesterday and de-Christmased the whole house and now it’s time to embrace the new year and whatever it holds in store for us.

I’ve decided I write too much about all the drama of my life. Which of course led me to think about what else is in my life to write about. I’m still thinking about what it all means and what I want from life and I hope, at 40, I can finally figure it out. Do I want to stay married? Do I want to go back to school? Will I finally do it? What do I want to live the rest of my life doing? Oddly enough, I don’t know what I want to do. There have been so many thoughts on the subject over the years and truthfully, I’d love to do any of my previous ideas. I just don’t know what I want to do most. My daughters wonder what to do about their lives and I have no idea what to tell them because I don’t know what I want to do about my life yet! LOL

I heard this weekend, from my husband, how un average he is. He is not average. He is above average. He doesn’t want an ordinary life, he wants an extraordinary life because he is extraordinary. He equates his thought processess to those of Albert Einstein and some other big wig science guy…Tesla…yeah, that’s it…Tesla. Apparently I have gotten in the way of his goal and made it necessary for him to put it off 15 years now because we have to pay back this loan. I’ll admit, I don’t understand his thinking. I don’t understand how “open and honest” communication involves giving me the 3rd degree when the mail comes and searching my dresser drawers and car for mail I might be hiding from him. I don’t “get” how coming clean and explaining my financial predicament equals being sneaky and lying. I don’t understand how trying to talk about it for the past year and a half and being shut down every time equals being sneaky and lying either. I guess since I am quite content being “ordinary and average”, I just don’t have a clue how those extraordinary folks manage it all.

Hmmm…maybe there really is “just something about me.”

Peace.

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8 responses to this post.

  1. there is something beautiful, touching, strong and inspiring about you. i don’t even want to say extraordinary because the meaning somehow was lost when your significant other started to use that word to describe himself as somehow being better than you. you are a beautiful and loving soul. all of us who are blessed to know you have been able to see that since the first time we came across your blog. that’s why we all come back. that’s why you are our friend. traci, don’t underestimate yourself. you are one of the strongest people i know. remember that.

    Reply

  2. wow Traci. That’s rough.

    I understand so much of what you are writing though. I’m 37 and still don’t know what I want to be!

    Reply

  3. I can’t imagine not having proper support from my husband. I’m so sorry yours doesn’t understand the true meaning of a relationship or the true value of his wife.

    HUGS

    Reply

  4. Traci,
    You have a big heart, and lots of love in that heart. We all wish you the very best in the New Year.

    Love
    Nikki and “the sisters”

    I can tell you Sarah would say
    follow your heart, she would say OY VEY and munch on a candy bar!

    (in that order)

    Reply

  5. There *is* something about you that deserves something very good.

    I hope you get it in the coming year, and recognize it when you see it.

    I wish you clarity and hope as well as a happy new year! *hug*

    Reply

  6. Butterflies. The sign of rebirth, rejuvination, resurrection ~ all those cool “re” words. My favorite quote (aside from the one you read on my last post) is “What would you do if you knew you would not fail?” It’s how I became an author. Don’t let anyone ~ not us your readers, your husband, your kids, not even yourself ~ not Anyone steal your voice.

    Reply

  7. You know my friend? There IS something about you. Something I love very much. Yes I do! There is just something about you. I know that that special “something” will tell you exactly what you need to do and when you need to do it.

    Loving you,
    Lighty

    Reply

  8. your soul shines out and people can see you–that is why they say “there’s just something about you”
    you will find the answers that you need when you need them. trust yourself–you have been through so much and it has made you stronger and wiser–never doubt your worth.
    Sometimes we wish for answers to really big questions in life and don’t know what to do–it is because we aren’t ready to know yet. be patient and open yourself up to find those illusive answers. they’ll be there when you are ready.
    wishing you a bright and beautiful New Year Traci.
    hugs,
    Karen

    Reply

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