silly

So I figured I’d write about silly stuff today because I felt silly this weekend.

Then my husband accused me of being deceptive and hiding stuff from him and my mom and my aunt were all crying (and now so am I) over my mom’s doctor appointment tomorrow which I’m quite sure will be sad. Suddenly I didn’t feel quite so silly anymore.

Is it odd that I hate it when my husband drives my car? I don’t know why it bugs me so much but it does! LOL When he asked for my keys, I told him I didn’t want him driving my car. That’s when he said all those things to me. Grrr…I do not like drama and I don’t think I ought to have to explain everything to him either. I figured he’d be telling me I caused his bloody nose next…which I suppose if I’d smacked him on it like I wanted to would have been right eh??!!!

Tomorrow when we all go to my mom’s doctor appointment, I plan to say how I feel about chemo. It will be hard. I simply don’t see the point in more especially since #1 – my mom doesn’t do ANYTHING to take care of herself…#2 – the cancer has grown and spread even with the chemo…and #3 – as long as she is doing chemo, she doesn’t qualify for hospice services which I believe would be of great comfort to her and to those of us who are caring for and watching her die.

Does that make me a terrible daughter?

It’s been two and a half years and I’m so tired of watching her melt away. It sounds terrible and I want it to be over with now. It’s painful and heartbreaking and all those other lovely, ugly descriptive words…but there you go. I’ve said (written) it out loud somewhere other than therapy. There is nothing else that will help my mom. Her cancer is not going to go away and she is dying. It’s terrible and nothing will change that.

Breathe in, breathe out.

The Seahawks are kicking North Carolina’s butt in the NFC Championship this evening! The Hawks have never been to the Super Bowl before and it looks like they’re going now. All I have to say to that is I’m so glad it’s NOT the Patriots! LOL I think I’ll go play a video game with daughter #3 now.

That’s about all the silly I have for now.

Peace.

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6 responses to this post.

  1. Good luck tomorrow.. I’ll be thinking of you…

    And for the record I think you’re an amazing daughter… I bet stopping chemo is exactly what your mom wants but is too afraid to ask for herself.

    HUGS

    Reply

  2. I don’t know what to tell you except that I’m sorry and I wish you had a lot more silly and a lot less serious in your life. *hug*

    Reply

  3. It takes So Much strength to speak out loud the unpleasant realities sometimes. Good for you for being able to do so. Let us know how it went.

    Reply

  4. How you feel about more chemo is not being a bad daughter or person. There comes a time when modern medicine needs to back off and let someone go peacefully.

    …and be sensitive about my Pats. I almost cried watching the AFC Championship game this weekend. It is still tough to take. 😦

    Reply

  5. If you hate the patriots too, you are now officially my best friend.

    Hospice can be wonderful, and so dignifying, if that can be accomplished when faced with your challenges.

    You are not a bad daughter.

    And everytime we went someone as a family, I drove. It’s a macho girl thing, 🙂

    Reply

  6. I totally understand how you feel.
    it is so hard to admit it too.
    there comes a point when you have to ask –is this going to help or hurt? tough question, no easy answers. I send all the good energy I can to you. hang in there sweetie. write to me anytime you need a friendly shoulder–I am always here for you.
    hugs,
    Karen

    Reply

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