ring around a rosey

…pocket full of posies, ashes, ashes, we all fall down.

So I got the call today that my mother’s ashes are awaiting pick-up at the funeral home. What an absolutely surreal experience this is.

I keep looking around to see which adult is in charge. Turns out it’s me. Weird. My mom’s things are now my things and I have to decide what to do with them. Again, weird.

The word “orphan” keeps going through my mind…can someone be an orphan when they’ve had parents their entire lives? Who the hell knows…it’s so completely unbelievable that in nine-and-a-half-months, the time it takes to grow another human being, I have lost two of them.

They weren’t even my most favorite people…I have issues with my parents to be sure. Oddly enough, it turns out that makes no difference what-so-ever when they leave this earth. That still astounds me.

We will bury my mother on Sunday, February 12. She will be with her mama, just like she wanted. In another weird kind of cosmic karma thing, we are burying mom one day before the 35th anniversary of my grandmother’s death from the same kind of lung cancer that took my mom.

I’m grateful that my mom went quickly. She was up and around on Tuesday evening and night…she woke up Wednesday morning and wanted to use the bathroom. She didn’t make it there before she peed all over the floor by her bed. After that she simply layed down, looked at my aunts and was gone. She was so afraid of suffocating and that didn’t happen. As ugly and awful as all this is…that is a good thing.

There is a great song out right now by Gary Allan called “Life Ain’t Always Beautiful” and it touches my heart so deeply. It’s a true blessing for my soul during these tough days. I so appreciate my lovely blogger friends for their kind messages this past week. I am learning all over again how incredibly blessed I truly am. It is such a gift.



Life ain’t always beautiful
Sometimes it’s just plain hard.
Life can knock you down,
It can break your heart.

Life ain’t always beautiful,
You think you’re on your way.
And it’s just a dead end road,
At the end of the day.

But the struggles make you stronger,
And the changes make you wise.
And happiness has it’s own way,
Of takin’ it’s sweet time.

No, life aint always beautiful.
Tears will fall sometimes.
Life aint always beautiful,
But it’s a beautiful ride.

Life aint always beautiful,
Some days, I miss your smile.
I get tired of walkin’ all,
These lonely miles.

And I wish for just one minute,
I could see your pretty face.
Guess I can dream,
But life dont work that way.

But the struggles make me stronger,
And the changes make me wise.
And happiness has it’s own way,
Of takin’ it’s sweet time.

No, life aint always beautiful.
But I know I’ll be fine.
Hey, life ain’t always beautiful,
But it’s a beautiful ride.
What a beautiful ride.


10 responses to this post.

  1. Oh Traci I’m soooo sorry… I didn’t realize your mom had passed. My deepest deepest condolences… my thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family. Hugs Hugs Hugs


  2. I like Gary Allan! But right now I am astounded by how very much I like you, Traci. You are moving through this painful experience with a beauty and grace I find nothing short of inspiring. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. All my best to you as you forge through the weekend ahead being the adult in charge. As you would say, Peace. That’s what I wish you.


  3. Wow. The childhood rhyme and your mother’s ashes made me feel a swell of such sadness. We all fall down, indeed.

    Peace and hugs,


  4. Yes you can be an adult and be
    an orphan. That is my opinion.

    I hate cancer, and I hate death.
    I hate that you have to go
    through this Traci.

    Sending you extra strength for
    the weekend.



  5. Traci, I ma so sorry I havent been around. Didn’t know this had been what you are dealing with.
    I too had the kind of relationship
    with my mom that you did. I was just as shocked that I hurt so horribly when she died. Others asked why I fell apart when we scarcely got along. I was shocked too to feel orphaned.
    I wish I could have been here all along. I am sorry I let you down.

    Take great care of you.


  6. One of the great quotes that was given me when my father died is this: They are not your parents until They die; they are your parents until You die. When other deaths touch our lives, it’s different. We can have other friends, other spouses. We can never, ever have other parents. Be as easy in the weird space as you can be. You know where I am.


  7. you are our gift, every day. thank you traci.


  8. Just stoppin’ by to say hey. Sending peaceful thoughts.


  9. *hug tight*

    I’m crying for you.


  10. I love you sweet Friend. I simply love you. I have never heard that song. Thank you for the gift of sharing that with me today.

    Loving you,


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