What does Easter mean? Really.

Christians believe that the death and resurrection of Christ paves the way for their sins to be forgiven and their eternal selves to spend, well, eternity, in heaven. Jews believe the Messiah has not yet come and celebrate Passover instead. I know that Pagans and Muslims and every other possible belief system have their own holidays that correspond with this time of year.

Rebirth is all around us. Flowers are blooming, trees are budding and readying to sprout forth new fruit, the sky is spending more time blue than cloudy and the sunshine seems to have been born anew. There is beauty everywhere we look. The colors always look so bright and beautiful to me. Spring is my favorite time. I love how fresh it all looks and feels and smells.

This is my first Spring without my mother. It’s still raining ALOT. I have always loved rain. This year when it rains, my eyes rain tears right along with the clouds. I feel like springtime may be delayed for my heart this time. I am trying to view that as a positive. Perhaps when the blooming begins it will be more glorious than at any time past. I hope so.

Yesterday I visited the cemetery where my parents are resting. It was pouring down rain and I just lay right down on top of their graves and sobbed until my tears ran out. Ok, I wish I could have sobbed until my tears ran out but the truth is I have too many and finally it began to get dark. Still I’m crying.

I can’t even begin an explanation of how deep this hole inside me feels. I have days when I know without question that I will make it through this ocean of pain and am grateful I know it. I have days when I am pretty sure this pain will pass. I have days when I wonder if it will ever pass. I think that’s a pretty normal part of the grieving process. It doesn’t mean I like it. : )

I wonder why the death of someone I’d never met in person has affected me so. I wonder why she touched my heart the way she did. I wonder what I’m supposed to learn from all this. I truly believe there is something to be learned. I have no idea what it is and I can only hope I recognize the lesson when it smacks me upside the head.

How can a hole this big ever be filled? I wonder if it’s like the hole they dig to bury someone. Dirt is removed and placed next to it. Something else is placed in the hole and then the dirt is added back into it. Because more space is taken than was removed, the ground is mounded over the place it used to be. All the dirt doesn’t fit the same way anymore so it looks like we’ve ended up with more dirt than when we began. I wonder if this hole is like that hole. The space my lovely friend took in my heart has been ripped apart…but still she fits there…the “dirt” taken out to put her back where she belongs won’t fit in the hole the same way it did before…but it will still fit…the mound will just be bigger, in a different way than before, more of her I think. I like that.



5 responses to this post.

  1. I posted this below, but I’ll post it again, because it seems like it makes sense to….

    Death is nothing at all
    I have only slipped away into the next room
    I am I and you are you
    whatever we were to each other
    that we still are
    call me by my old familiar name
    speak to me in the easy way
    which you always used
    put no difference in your tone
    wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
    laugh as we always laughed
    at the little jokes we enjoyed together
    pray smile, think of me, pray for me
    Let my name be ever the household word
    that it always was
    Let it be spoken without effort
    without the trace of a shadow in it
    Life means all that it ever meant
    it is the same as it ever was
    there is unbroken continuity
    why should I be out of mind
    because I am out of sight?
    I am waiting for you
    somewhere very near
    just around the corner
    All is well

    Henry Scott Holland
    (1847-1918) Canon of St Paul’s Cathedral

    I am thankful for you too, my friend.


  2. Happy Rebirth Dear Traci… I have no doubt it will be that much more glorious for the waiting. Just like Nikki’s mound will fill a space bigger than before, so too will your heart grow to enfold the memories of those dear dear souls who await you on the other side.

    I wish you tree buds and green green grass. I wish you birdsong and blooming flowers. I wish you love and happiness. But mostly, I wish you peace of mind body and soul.



  3. Death is so hard. And you have been through so much recently. Just know that many are thinking about you and hoping that you are moving through these moments as best as you can.



  4. All I can do right now is assure you I’ve been here and I’ll be around should need me. Beautiful, if painful, post.


  5. (((((Traci))))

    That’s all I’ve got.


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