every time

I think I’m going to write here, I sit down in front of this lovely machine to do just that…and I don’t seem to have any words available.

I feel depleted, spent, tired and mostly just sad. Well, already I’ve accomplished something with these few words. I’ve felt like pressure is building up inside me for the past week or so and simply by writing those few words, the tears are finally coming. I know that I will feel a bit better tomorrow. It’s all a cycle.

I’ve been looking for new templates for this blog of mine. I’m trying to learn some more html so I can make it look the way I want. I keep thinking “If my 13 year old child can do it, so can I!” LOL : ) Stay tuned. One of these days you may stop by and not recognize the place!

I hope I don’t fuck it up.

My therapist told me last week that I have an almost inborn fear of closeness. She used the word “inborn” because my grandfather began hurting me at about 6 months of age. You don’t get much closer to the beginning of your earthly stay than that now do you? Sometimes it’s all too much.

I want my mommy.

I cannot even begin to imagine how badly I would miss my parents if I had actually liked them as people. I was naive enough to think I wouldn’t miss them when they were gone because they weren’t my favorite people when they were here.

I was wrong.

I just filled my car up for 2.99 a gallon! It cost me 42.50. Un-fucking-believable. I am disgusted. I am pissed. No matter what they offer as a reason, no…as an excuse for this mess, I don’t believe them. Grrrrrrrrrr…

Ok, that’s all. “Night.


7 responses to this post.

  1. One of my all-time, ever favorite greetings cards has a sketch of pink luggage on it. It reads: Sure, I’ve got baggage but at least it’s cute and it matches.

    I have that card up in my office. Today, I pass along the sentiment. When it gets tough, remember ~ it’s cute and it matches.


  2. I love the previous comment.

    I’ve been thinking of you, praying for you, even listening to you 😉

    I am sorry for the pain. So sorry.

    I know what you mean about the grieving. I have come to believe that it is easier, more expedient to mourn a death than to mourn a life. Most people think the closer we were to someone, the more difficult the grieving; and the more troubled a relationship, the easier the letting go. Ain’t necessarily so; not at all.

    Hugs to you, Traci.


  3. I have been feeling the same way about being able to put down what I am feeling.
    The blank page, once a wonderful incentive seems lately to be more
    of a challenge to face.

    I can help with the html if you have any questions when the time come for the change.

    Thank you for your kind support Traci.


  4. I’m having the blank page issue too…seems to be going around.

    We seem to have a lot in common…my mother gave me up at 7 days old, and then proceded to come and take me on weekends and then leave me again. This went on for 3 years. I don’t remember any of this of course, but it had to be traumatic…at way too early an age. I have major issues with closeness and abandonment. Hang in there.



  5. You are still going through SO much these days, Traci.


  6. Glad you’re still around.. you’re allowed to be hurt and angry and pissed.. never be afraid to share it!



  7. Of course you want your mommy — you’ve never really had one yet, and now she’s gone so it makes it less likely she’ll ever learn to BE your mommy. My hubby has faced the same thing with his dad who passed in 2000. Gaaah. It’s so hard somedays, isn’t it?! Hugs to you, sweetie.–>


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