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Ok, it is completely possible that I made an error sending this email to my ex husband Saturday night. That said, I was so totally ANGRY with his behavior that I responded in a way I usually do not. Ordinarily, I listen to my children and hold them while they cry. I acknowledge their feelings and sometimes we talk about it until I’m totally sick of talking about it and then we talk about it some more. It is a rare moment when I communicate anything with the father of my children that isn’t simply information I feel he is entitled to. Read on:

“geez —-, —— came home crying because you guys didn’t wait for her after the show. she hurried out of her costume and looked all over for you. on the way home she said ‘i feel like his throw away child’. i hope you guys are happy dammit.”

Uhhhhh, yeah, that was the email I sent in a moment of pure anger. Today while I was at work, I received this email in reply:

“appreciate your jumping my ass before you found out all the facts-1- we got call from baby sitter telling us —–‘s son was running a high fever and we had to leave- 2 not acknowledging the fact that i even showed up and was able to see the whole play. 3- getting tired of you jumping my ass over every little thing wrong i do towards the girls-you spend more time downing for things then you do realizing im doin my best at this time. but i guess that dont matter to you! —— did awesome job with the play and i was proud of her-but you ruined that for me now thank you soo much for that!- hope you have a great-f–king day too!!!!!”

Well, anyone who knows me knows that this email completely pissed me off. The man I was once married to is a master at blaming everyone else for his problems/issues/whatever. I know it is important for my children to have a relationship with their father. I’ve bitten my tongue, gone out of my way and soothed tender hearts, all in an attempt to make sure the lights of my life have whatever relationship they can with their dad. I’ve told them (and I still believe it) that it is important to treasure that relationship in whatever form it takes because there will be a day when it’s no longer available and that will be painful in a different way.

I thought about his email for a few hours and then figured what the hell. I almost never say anything and this time it was too much. I don’t know if I will end up regretting my reply to him or not. I do know that it felt pretty good to write it and a bit better than that to send it. Now, though, I feel sad. He would have taken awhile to contact the girls again after writing his email. It may be even longer once he reads my reply. Onward:

“1. You, my friend, have for all intents and purposes fucked up your relationship with our daughters.

2. I don’t jump your ass over anything. If I did, your ass would be in court, you’d be in jail and I wouldn’t cut you so much slack for being a deadbeat…and ummmm, Yea, I have talked with the Prosecuting Attorney for —– County as well as the Child Support Office regarding this. I have no desire to deal with the situation this way however. It would devastate the girls and I would never do that to them.

3. Your “best” is not good enough. You’ve spent the last 8 years making excuses about everything in regards to our daughters —-. You can stop now. The only person who believes them is you.

4. Our daughters believe you were shtuping —– before ———- was even dead and they are still grieving over ———-‘s suicide. They do NOT understand how you could have hooked up with someone so soon after she died.

5. They are very sad about their lack of relationship with you. They don’t trust you. They want to spend time with you but not your “new” family.

6. They don’t tell you how they feel because they don’t want to hurt your feelings and they don’t want you to disappear completely from their lives again. They KNOW you’re not the greatest example of a father and still they love you.

7. I ruined nothing for you. Your feelings are YOUR CHOICE….not mine.

8. I am the one who has been here for our children through all of the tears, anger, hurt feelings, broken hearts, questions, questions, questions and more questions about you and where you are. I have NEVER said one bad or hurtful word about you to them. NEVER. I don’t plan on starting now. I simply listen and hold them when they cry.

9. —— is the one who said she feels like your “throw away baby”, not me.

10. —- does not consider your new baby to be her sister. She believes the baby is your “new” family and she isn’t good enough for you anymore.

11. They love you even though you are a lying asshole.

12. I sent you the email right after getting home from picking —— up Saturday night and she was standing in the kitchen SOBBING because you didn’t wait for her. She figured you and —–, in her ultra conservative, uber christian way, were offended by the subject matter of the show and didn’t want to talk to her because she was in the show.

13. Don’t EVER email me again spouting crap. You have absolutely no fucking idea what kind of mess you’ve created mentally for these children. If you want to pursue this through the court system let me know…otherwise WATCH YOUR FUCKING MOUTH WHEN YOU ARE SPEAKING TO ME.”

So, there it is. My latest foray into the world of ex-spouse-dum. I loved that man so much. A part of me will always love him. I will always be grateful for my amazing daughters. How could I ever regret something that blessed me in such a way? Even after 8 years, it’s still hard to believe my marriage to him ended like it did. He is so messed up. Together we were really messed up. I know it had to end so my children could grow up in a healthy environment and feel empowered in their lives. Sometimes it still hurts. And every time one of my children cries because of that man, my heart breaks all over again.



2 responses to this post.

  1. Let’s hope he actually understands what you wrote and makes changes accordingly. I have a feeling he won’t…I really hope I am wrong. 😦


  2. i’m really glad you said all those things. somebody had to. you are finding your voice. don’t lose it again, okay? xoxo


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