“Before I die, I want you to know that I still love you. There’s not a day goes by that I don’t think about you and wish things were different. I believe you are my soul mate and it is really important to me that you know that in case something happens to me.”

Someone I once had a relationship with said those words to me on Sunday. The words made me feel extremely sad. The person who said them to me is an amazing, loving and special soul. The effect this individual has had on my life is so profound I don’t know what else to say about it. There is, of course, no way to ever go back and I’m ok with that. Still, the words were a very special gift. Thank you my friend.

My husband and I continue to discuss marriage counseling. I believe we will end up back there and I’m ok with that too. I am not the easiest person to live with I’m sure and neither is he. Is anyone really? I have no idea. I only know that living with my husband is a continual struggle for me. I know that he is a good man. I hear him when he says he loves me. I wonder if it’s supposed to be like this.

Brief but explanatory detour:

My blog friend, Dr. Deb, has a great entry on her blog about Alexithymia. If you have no clue what that is, check her out. I’d never heard the word before two days ago, however I live with the reality of it every day.

My journey with this interesting psychological ‘word’ began at an early age and the affects are with me today. I have to really work at recognizing my feelings. When I say work, I mean WORK…hard work. 24/7 work. It’s not something I can turn off.

In the midst of all that, I am truly one of the lucky ones. My situation is a ‘learned’ one. I don’t have autism or any of the other neurologic disorders that can go along with it. UNlearning is the work I’m speaking of.

My husband doesn’t understand this at all. It creates huge issues within our relationship. Which is why we are continuing to discuss marriage counseling. At first he didn’t want to go. Now I don’t want to go. (It’s always something isn’t it?) The more numb I get, the more he professes to love me. The more he professes, the less I feel.

What a conundrum…and enigma wrapped in a conundrum…as someone I know once said. The truth of the matter is this: I don’t know, anymore, how I feel about him. I know I’m tired. I’m sad. I’m confused. I’m searching for answers. I don’t know how to explain all this to him. He is a total redneck, practical, show me kind of guy. I’m not. *sigh*



One response to this post.

  1. I think the problem with the numbness is that once it sets in, it is so much better than working to figure out feelings day in and day out. That work is HARD, damn hard…numb is so much easier; on the one who is numb though, not everyone else.
    that is why I keep working at it most of the time. I remember that things are much harder on my partner and other loved ones when I shut down or numb out. I can’t always prevent either of those things from happening, but sometimes I can.
    geez, I have no idea if any of this even makes sense so I’ll just stop rambling and come back when I can think! 😛


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