Do you ever find yourself wondering if you can make a difference? I wonder why I’m here almost every day of my life. I worry that most of what I do really, in the big scheme of things, means very little. I have amazing children. I have a job. I own my home. Nothing too exciting here. I sing. I read. I play. I work. I sleep. I learn. I live. Plain and simple.

My husband informed me a few months back that he didn’t want to live an ordinary life because he was extraordinary. He was and is angry that I am content for the most part to raise my daughters and enjoy life. He wants more…something. A few days ago I discovered a calendar this same husband keeps to monitor my mistakes; things I’ve said or done or not done as the case may be. For example, I needed sleep, not sex and the calendar says “Too Tired”. He ate pickled fish and I commented “You smell like fish”. I felt extremely angry and as I was walking away to calm down I said “Fuck you very much”.

How would you feel if your significant other tracked your “mistakes”? What thoughts would that create inside you? Why on earth would anyone do that? As if I don’t spend my life feeling guilty enough or bad enough or whatever already…I’ve been in therapy for years for heaven’s sake! If I bring it up, which I inevitably will, he will talk in enough circles that eventually I will struggle to remember why I even brought it up.

Anyway, I guess that needed to come out HOWEVER that is not the reason I began this post. I began wondering if I ever make a difference in any way. Most times I’m pretty confident I do not. That said, last night I signed on here and read some posts. I came to a sweet friends blog and saw a header that made my heart sink into my stomach. I was literally terrified to read what she wrote. I’m too curious not to though. Read here:

I’m grateful my Pobble is ok. I’m grateful for concerned and caring doctors. I’m grateful for the reminder that everything we do, everything we say, everything we think is like a pebble tossed into the water of our lives…the ripples created can be and often are powerful beyond our imagination.



11 responses to this post.

  1. Hi Traci, long time lurker, found your site via Debutaunt. I am sorry you found the calander and your hurt.
    I feel that people who keep a record of others “mistakes” are nothing but self centered jerks.
    It seems that you have gone through a great deal and all he thinks about is his needs.
    I wish you luck and don’t give up your therapist because with a husband who monitors your mistakes you will be in therapy forever.
    He is a mill stone around your neck.
    I don’t know if I would take the calander down or just try to fill it up with more “mistakes”. If it were me I would fill the calender. It would make me smile knowing I pissed the jerk off.
    I wish you the best…..


  2. There is something seriously wrong with the husband keeping the calendar. SERIOUSLY wrong. Watch out for that man


  3. You deserve better than this, my friend. No one deserves this. A loving relationship will include arguments and disagreements ~ it should never include berating or insulting.

    As for the rest ~ you know already.


  4. You make a difference for sure. Sometimes the difference is a little ripple, and other times it is a huge wave.

    Living ordinary, simply and with contentedness is awesome in my book. I would not like if someone monitored my mistakes either. I have a suggestion though…..might it help to view his need for extraordinary and his rigidity as great flaws????



  5. While I do not give scripture the same weight as many others do, there is a chapter that I believe is relevant to your husband’s behavior: 1 Cor. 13, where it clearly states that love keeps no record of wrongs, and is not easily puffed up, is not arrogant, etc. To me, the idea that you have not only been denied the forgiveness of your husband, but additionally he is marking them for evidence like exhibits in a trial, is extremely, no, EXTREMELY frightening. It is certainly NOT loving, and I hope you take steps to protect yourself.


  6. I think you make a difference. Your support makes a difference to me.

    Your Husband is a jerk though sorry.



  7. The fact that your husband is keeping a record of your “faults” indicates that he feels superior to you, and that he needs to feel like he has all the power in the relationship. Even if you don’t adhere to scripture, although you know that I do, the verse quoted by another of your readers just makes common sense. I marriage is a partnership with each partner sharing equal power. You each bring different strengths and weaknesses to the relationship, and in order to truly have a partnership, you must identify and celebrate those things in each other. As long as he is of the mindset that he is in power and you are beneath him, you will never have a healthy relationship.

    There are some things in life that you have to stand up for, even though the immediate consequences might be hard or unpleasant. But you, my friend, have GOT to stand up for YOU. You are NOT inferior. You are NOT less than. To allow him to continue with this calander or with the idea that you’re not as extraordinary as he is would be like telling him that he’s right. We teach people how to treat us by allowing or not allowing certain things. If you allow him to take your power from you, you have just told him that you don’t deserve it.

    We are all flawed. We all make mistakes. To keep a record of your partner’s mistakes in an effort to show how “right” you are is about as flawed as it gets.

    There is nothing wrong with feeling content. That’s what you’re supposed to feel. If you spend your life feeling as though you’re better than what you’ve been given, you will live a miserable, disappointing existance. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t strive for better things in life, only that once you found the things that truly make you happy, and make you feel complete, then you’ve gotten it right. Surround yourself with people who recognize that in you, and celebrate it. And celebrate yourself…you deserve it.


  8. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. The fact that he’s allowing himself to dwell on your “mistakes”, let alone keep a record of them, speaks volumes.

    You’re fine to feel just fine! I think your security with yourself may be making him jealous. Some people forget that happiness can’t be bought or stolen, only made for ourselves. Please don’t allow his problems to become yours. *hug*


  9. He’s an ass plain and simple.
    I just want to slap him.


  10. Now THAT’S EXTRAORDINARY! Monitoring faults is truly a divine gift……so extraordinary that GOD doesn’t even do it! My, my! LOL!

    Traci my love, you make a difference every day whether you know it or not. I am a better (and more sane) person for knowing you.



  11. (((((Traci)))) I saw your message on my old blog. I haven’t changed my mind about blogging but i am doing well thanks. I hope you are well and i’m sending you hugs!


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