don’t fuck with me…

Tonight. My therapist told me I had a barrier around me that said “Don’t fuck with me.” She also said “Your husband doesn’t have a chance with you. You’re too scared to drop your walls.” I said “It pisses me off that you said that.” She said “I’m taking a risk saying this because I’ll bet it feels like attacking.” I said “Yes it does, are we done now?”

Of course there was more to this chat of ours. This is what stuck with me. I came home and cried a bit, then I went out and pruned all the trees in my yard! Nothing like a bit of the physical to deal with some of the emotional. I thought I’d write about it but I just don’t have much else to say except I’m really trying to look at this objectively but damn it’s hard.

Why do I feel like I’m a bad person now? I wonder if I’ll always suck at relationships. I’m sure my therapist is wondering if I’ll show up next week. Poor thing. I don’t think she had a clue what she was getting into when she took me on.

Peace.

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6 responses to this post.

  1. well I’m sure you were looking for some support on the whole list making man in your life. It sucks when they say stuff that may ring true later. But in the moment you are just good and pissed.How can you help but have walls when you have lived the life you have. I understand those walls.
    I have them too.

    Reply

  2. Walls are one thing..we all have them on some level. But The idea that he has no chance with you implies that it’s your fault that he keeps lists of your flaws. I don’t care WHAT that shrink says, that is NOT your fault.

    What you can try to look at objectively is if your walls are there for a reason, or if some of the time, you are just in defensive mode. Maybe there are times that he deserves more credit than he gets, that’s something you need to work out on your own, but NOT when it comes to the list he’s keeping. There’s no excusing or justifying that.

    Reply

  3. Heck I would have brick walls and a moat (spelling) around me if I had a husband who kept a record of every thing I did.
    Please take care of #one and your kids.

    Reply

  4. So, I just wrote a long comment and have deleted it because I am pre-coffee and that’s always bad. Especially when it is a soapbox of mine. Tend to get a bit…vehement. Instead, I’m just gonna say “I agree with Jaded” and call it good.

    Reply

  5. Nah, she is risking and trying to help you in ways that press on your buttons. Not a fun session, for you, and probably for her. It was an important one though.

    Everyone has defenses, and I have my fair share of keeping people at bay. But you can and will find the way to express more freely.

    This is the hard part. Seeing what your limitations are and having the momentum to push through walls that no longer need to be there.

    I know you’ll do it 😉
    Deb

    Reply

  6. I’m squarely in the camp with Jaded and Pobble. Yeah, OK, you have vulnerability issues. Good to identify them so you can deal. Great. But if the arrogant ass is tracking your “failings”, you think anyone would be willing to be vulnerable to him? Not me, that’s for sure.

    Reply

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