things that go bump…

So yesterday I found a lump.  In an area that is the last place you want to find one.  Over a couple inches and up another inch was another lump…a lymph node.  To say I was freaked out would be an understatement. 

No one knew I was freaked because the tears were kept inside my head.  I worked all day and went to my therapy session thinking I wasn’t going to say anything about it since I was calling the doctor this morning.  I sat down and out of my mouth came the words I hadn’t planned to say to anyone but the doctor.  “I found a lump this morning.”  The tears came and for an hour I talked about my worry.  It’s one thing to know logically that it’s probably nothing.  It’s entirely another breed of animal to understand emotionally that there are all kinds of lumps and bumps and most of them are not deadly.  It’s another thing completely to get those things straight after losing one’s entire family to cancer of some kind. 

I called the doctor this morning and dammit all, my doctor wasn’t in today so I had to see her partner who turned out to be very kind but it’s just not the same as the person who has cared for me the past 20 years you know?  It hurt so I went anyway.  There was a time in the not too distant past that I would have waited for my doctor.  I guess that’s a sign of improvement on my part but still…

So, I’m on the exam table and getting numbed up…holy shit!  I’m sure it was a small needle but it felt like it was about 4 inches round and miles long.  It hurt.  Alot.  Then she slices this thing open and a bunch of gunk comes out of it which of course must be cultured.  She feels the lymph nodes and says “If the antibiotic I’m giving you doesn’t make that swelling go down, I’m going to have to send you to someone else because I don’t do lymph nodes.”  I’m thinking, “Honey, you are a doctor…do not tell me anything that even for a moment makes me feel like perhaps the swelling won’t go down!”

Tonight the spot where the lymph node is swollen is sore and my worry is smaller but not gone.  I’m tired and taking a mega antibiotic that really doesn’t make me feel better mentally BUT will in all like-li-hood trigger a killer yeast infection…

So, on it goes, the world keeps turning with no thought to the drama that plays out in my mind and I sit here to write my scariest thoughts just so I can get them out of my head for awhile.  I realize that infections happen and that lymph nodes swell with them.  I realize that to most, this would be no big deal.  I realize that with the last year just behind me, it’s probably normal to be a bit freaked out by all this.  That doesn’t make it easier though.  I feel like a big baby to be truthful but there you have it…it’s where I’m at this moment and I have to accept it and work through it all. 

Some days just suck.

Peace.

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13 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by The Boston Pobble on Wednesday, July 19, 2006 at 10:32 pm

    I would be more concerned if you weren’t scared. Why the hell shouldn’t you be scared? This is a scary situation. It also sounds as if you have it in perspective. Fear and perspective are not mutually exclusive.

    Just please, keep us posted.

    *hug*

    Reply

  2. Please keep us posted and I am praying that all will be ok. Sending you big big hugs–prayers going up for you–XO

    Reply

  3. That Boston Pobble said it, exactly. (Again. Damn, that kid’s good.)

    Of course, that won’t stop me from paraphrasing and saying it again…! *heh*

    Alright darlin, here it is: OF COURSE YOU’RE SCARED!!! Fuck, they’re not even on my body but those lumps are scaring ME! Thank GOODNESS you’re looking into it right away, and continuing with the prescribed “inhale, exhale, repeat” thing. Sending love, strength, peace and hope that everything is fine.
    *mwah*

    Reply

  4. Gosh honey, if you’re a baby then so am I because as soon as you wrote that you had a lump I stopped breathing for the rest of the blog.. I’m still not breathing right!

    Please please please keep us posted. You have all my prayers and positive energy!

    Hugs Hugs Hugs

    Julie

    Reply

  5. Posted by scribbleandscribe on Friday, July 21, 2006 at 2:01 pm

    wow, I need to get by here more often, I’m sorry I wasn’t.
    Please keep me informed, now I’ll worry all the more.
    But thats just me cause I care about you truly…

    Reply

  6. That is a very scary thing. Even though you know that chances are it is totally nothing serious it is still freaky. Keep us posted. Hugs to you.

    Reply

  7. EAT YOGURT! That will curtail the yeast infection.

    I am SO SO glad it was just an infection. Once it clears, get a mammo if you haven’t already as a baseline. And do NOT spend days on the internet researching like I did. All it made me do was feel like I should start planning my funeral.

    Im thinking of you 🙂

    Reply

  8. I saw your comment on caroline’s blog, and I just had to come “meet” you. Hope you don’t mind a nosy old gal hanging out. I am fascinated with your journey, your strength, and I would like to give you encouragement in all the paths you chose in the future. I sense that you don’t always see your own strength, but I’m in awe.

    Hang strong. Blessings.

    Reply

  9. Thanks for stopping by my blog and commenting. Yes, some days do just suck. I hope all turns out for you. Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

    Reply

  10. Thinking about you this evening, my friend. Big ol’ hug!!

    Reply

  11. Yes some days do just suck,BUT you went to the doc’s right away and did something about a very scarey medical problem.. If you waited, you could of been in who knows what kind of trouble. Congrats to you for putting your self first and taking care of your self. I hope and pray that all is well

    Reply

  12. Posted by scribbleandscribe on Sunday, July 23, 2006 at 9:42 am

    Thanks for the visit and reply.
    It’s so quiet in the summer in blog land.
    I just wanted you to know that
    I appreciate you.
    Hope you are ok.

    Reply

  13. Very scarey stuff, my wife went through it also. We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers.

    john w

    Reply

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