what the hell is wrong with me

I wonder if I’m nutz.  Or imagining things.  Do I just breathe guilt or what?   

So, last night my husband and I were “doing the laundry” (which, btw, is my fave radio stations euphemism for sex…LOL).  I know, I know, you learn something new every day eh?   

Ok, wait…before I get into this whole story, I need to give some background first.  I have a serious problem with people who overuse the word “love”.  It irritates me to no end when it is repeated over and over and over and sometimes is said just to get other people to say “I love you too.”  You can tell the difference right?  I mean, you can tell the difference between someone saying I love you because they mean it and someone saying it because they want you to say it to them, can’t you?  Is this just a stupid thing to write about?  I really believe it is possible to devalue a word by using it too much or for the wrong reasons.  It really could be that I am wacked but whatever; it’s how I feel so onward and upward. 

Now, as I was saying, last night my husband and I were “doing the laundry”.  Afterward, we’re talking and he says “I love you” for about the gazillionth time.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I enjoy hearing that I’m loved however I’m serious when I say I feel it when it’s different.  So, after saying “I love you too”, I commit the sin I’m usually accused of and ask a question:  “Why do you say that so much until I say it to you?”  (yes I know it was probably not the best time for this question but when else was I going to have the opportunity?) He is instantly irritated and replies “What? You don’t want me to say I love you anymore?”  I didn’t say that and I try to explain that I’m working to understand some stuff and he interrupts to ask me why I didn’t go to therapy today.  (even therapists take vacation)  I get so tired of conversations like this.  It’s so much work and drama and nothing ever gets resolved and I ought to know better I guess. 

This morning, as he was getting ready to leave for work, he woke me up again.  Yes it is a recurring irritant.  I don’t wake him up but he has no problem waking me up for whatever it is he wants.  He doesn’t understand there are people who really and truly need to sleep until the alarm goes off.  He often says “I don’t understand why you’re so tired all the time.”  He asked me if I wanted to get in the shower him.  No, I said.  He asks do I want to pet my puppy.  No, I said.  He starts to pull off my blanket, I grabbed it back and said I want to sleep.  He kept trying to talk to me and I finally said “I’m tired.  Let me sleep.”  He’s angry because I won’t get up and says “You won’t get up, you don’t want me to say I love you anymore, what message does that send me?”   

Yesterday afternoon I received this in an email from him at work:   It seems a little disappointing to me that you are not as ‘romantic” as you used to be. I strive to be re-creating those feelings and excitement about us and I’m confused by your ‘aloofness” I think about the excitement and the ‘butterflies’ it gave me to be with you…”   

Keep in mind I’ve heard this many many many times since we married.  I’m sad to say I don’t feel anything…not butterflies, not excitement, not aloof, not anything.  I don’t know if those feelings died while he was berating my oldest daughter all those months or if they died while he was berating me and telling me his best friend said I was psychotic and needed to be hospitalized (because I had gone into debt $15000+ due to no child support for several years), or if they died when he began taking the tv remotes to work with him so the kids couldn’t watch tv during the day.  I suppose they could have disappeared during any of a number of other episodes however it doesn’t really matter when they left does it?  They are simply gone.  When he is away from home, I feel peaceful.  When he is home, I feel nervous and edgy.  That can’t be good for anyone can it?   

Added to this, two of my daughters talked with me a few nights ago about why they don’t like to spend time with him alone.  My children are very wise.  Daughter #2 is an old soul I’m sure.  This is a paraphrase of what she told me: “He’s just not nice Mom.  He is mean to #1 and sometimes I feel so badly for her.  (now this is big because these two daughters don’t always like their sister and they can’t wait for her to go back to college).  He’s mean to you a lot and I don’t like feeling like I have to watch what I say because he might be listening.  It’s not right that you should have to pay for #1’s college by yourself either and I hate that when he’s in a good mood he tries to give me everything I could possibly want and that he always is trying to stuff food into me.”   That was the part I can remember right off the top of my head.   D#2 also said sometimes she is angry with him for the way he acts and angry with me for staying with him. 

I’ve been trying to figure out what I get from this relationship and I’ll be honest, I’m stumped.  So why am I here?  Because I feel guilty I think.  I care about my husband.  I’m not in love with him though.  Does that make a difference?  I’m so confused.  There is so much more I could write and perhaps I ought to.  I mean, I’m not perfect by any means.  I have done some pretty stupid things during our marriage.  I took some money off of his credit card to pay bills he told me I had to pay and I didn’t have the money for.  That was pretty bad.  We did get a home equity loan to pay off the debt I incurred when child support was non existent.  He ranted for days and days over Christmas about that one.  Recently he told me I was deaf and blind because I didn’t see or hear the changes he’s made in how he relates to daughter #1.  Then he told me I had no common sense.  Yes, it was all in the same conversation.    If I say anything about leaving or thinking about moving or enjoying my time off while he’s gone, he gives me this whole “That is so sad” speech.  He will go on and on and on about how he never thinks of that and we’re his family now and he wants to take care of me and the girls and I need to communicate with him more and and and… 

So, what the hell is wrong with me?   


13 responses to this post.

  1. I agree with you. When people say “I love you” and the significant other reverbs with “love you too” , does not mean anything in the long run. It becomes more of a formality. If its just formality, then why bother. On the other hand, love is not just a feeling, or a “strange rush of emotions” because of some chemicals running through your blood stream. It’s a commitment to honour, respect and care for each other unconditionally.
    I know it’s not practical all the time, but pays of in the long run.
    hey, that’s just my take. I wasn’t trying to proselytize


  2. Oh Traci, I know what it is to be confused and upset about intimate things. I wish I had an answer for you. I’ve been reading your blog for awhile now and you seem like such a nice lady. I can really relate to some of the things you’ve been through. It’s too bad when things like this come up when the therapist is out of town. Sometimes when my therapist is on vacation, I feel like I’m alone, no one understands and I’m getting ready to lose my marbles. I know this probably doesn’t help, but I guess I just wanted to say – I’m here. I ‘get’ some of this.


  3. you know what my dad say’s, anyone who needs a therapist is not living a godly life. try that….
    i hope he isn’t here monitoring me 😉


  4. Brian, some people go to therapists because they have been grievously injured and need to heal. I’m sure you (or your dad) would say that God will heal. How God chooses to do that is not up to you. Sometimes God uses a therapist and He apparently doesn’t feel the need to consult you (or your dad) before doing so.


  5. Lynn,
    I certainly agree with you.


  6. There is nothing wrong with you. Relationships are HARD and they’re work and it’s very very difficult to know when they’re worth fighting for and when it’s best to just cut and run.

    In all honestly, if the people who know you and the situation best (your daughters) feel that this is an abusive and unhealthy situation for you then I would seriously consider their words and feelings. Sometimes being outside the situation can give you better perspective.. sometimes you need to be in it to truly know what’s going on. Your daughters are both in it and out of it (they live with it but it’s not their marriage) and most importantly they care for you above all else.

    To read that they are as unhappy with life with him as you are, alarm bells go off for me. If you’re only there from guilt then I wonder if there is anything real keeping you there. Honestly, in the year + that I’ve been reading you I’ve found no redeeming quality in the man. You however are an amazingly awesome lady and you deserve all the happiness in the world.

    I do love your spirit. I love your kindness and I appreciate your friendship so very very much.




  7. Posted by katietoyboy on Friday, August 18, 2006 at 7:49 am

    Julie said it perfectly. Well done.


  8. Don’t stay with someone out of guilt. You deserve better..you deserve soo much better!! I know..not my place to say leave him..but seriously. I think people are often better off alone than with a person they don’t love or feel good with. Your spirit deserves comfort and happiness..


  9. Why do you stay? Convenience? Guilt? Security? Fear? i think it is important that you realize why you’re there. Living in a situation where love and passion for life are missing is a hard way to die slowly.

    Let me ask you this . . . imagine for a moment that one of your daughters were living this life, your life, right now. Is it what you want for her? What will you say to her? What do you think she should do? Remember this . . . regardless of what they may say or feel or do now, there is a very strong probability that your daughters will build their future relationships based on what they see from you. They don’t think so, they plan to do everything differently because they don’t like this; however, when all is said and done, we all tend to repeat patterns we have seen in our parents’ lives, simply because that is what we know. But you know this, Traci. I’m preachin’ to the choir!!

    Can you live the life you want your daughters to have?


  10. Oh girlie, whatever you do or decide, I’m in your corner.


  11. First I want to say thank you for your comments on my LWH blog. Second, I want to say that youre relationship (minus the husband giving a damn about being romantic) sounds just like mine was and is sometimes. My husband is the kind of person who definately should not have had children. He just doesn’t get that kids are different from adults.

    Anyway- my point is that you are not alone and it’s not all you. I think my feelings would have died a little too if I had dealt with all the things he has said and done. Loving someone who is mean to our kids is VERY hard and next to impossible. We love them but we wouldn’t pause a second to throw them into a volcano before the kids if asked for a sacrifice. *snort*

    Take care and even though you don’t really “know” me, drop me an email if you ever need to safely vent or talk. I’m a good ear.


  12. Oh, Traci. So many thoughts I’m thinking, probably not one thing you haven’t already thought. I would like to see your husband get some therapy. Lots and lots of it, actually.


  13. I don’t know your story, but I think you are by far harder on yourself then him, and harder on yourself then you should be. No one should site in judgement of you and the choices you have made. You did what you needed to do.


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