what the hell is wrong with me

I wonder if I’m nutz.  Or imagining things.  Do I just breathe guilt or what?   

So, last night my husband and I were “doing the laundry” (which, btw, is my fave radio stations euphemism for sex…LOL).  I know, I know, you learn something new every day eh?   

Ok, wait…before I get into this whole story, I need to give some background first.  I have a serious problem with people who overuse the word “love”.  It irritates me to no end when it is repeated over and over and over and sometimes is said just to get other people to say “I love you too.”  You can tell the difference right?  I mean, you can tell the difference between someone saying I love you because they mean it and someone saying it because they want you to say it to them, can’t you?  Is this just a stupid thing to write about?  I really believe it is possible to devalue a word by using it too much or for the wrong reasons.  It really could be that I am wacked but whatever; it’s how I feel so onward and upward. 

Now, as I was saying, last night my husband and I were “doing the laundry”.  Afterward, we’re talking and he says “I love you” for about the gazillionth time.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I enjoy hearing that I’m loved however I’m serious when I say I feel it when it’s different.  So, after saying “I love you too”, I commit the sin I’m usually accused of and ask a question:  “Why do you say that so much until I say it to you?”  (yes I know it was probably not the best time for this question but when else was I going to have the opportunity?) He is instantly irritated and replies “What? You don’t want me to say I love you anymore?”  I didn’t say that and I try to explain that I’m working to understand some stuff and he interrupts to ask me why I didn’t go to therapy today.  (even therapists take vacation)  I get so tired of conversations like this.  It’s so much work and drama and nothing ever gets resolved and I ought to know better I guess. 

This morning, as he was getting ready to leave for work, he woke me up again.  Yes it is a recurring irritant.  I don’t wake him up but he has no problem waking me up for whatever it is he wants.  He doesn’t understand there are people who really and truly need to sleep until the alarm goes off.  He often says “I don’t understand why you’re so tired all the time.”  He asked me if I wanted to get in the shower him.  No, I said.  He asks do I want to pet my puppy.  No, I said.  He starts to pull off my blanket, I grabbed it back and said I want to sleep.  He kept trying to talk to me and I finally said “I’m tired.  Let me sleep.”  He’s angry because I won’t get up and says “You won’t get up, you don’t want me to say I love you anymore, what message does that send me?”   

Yesterday afternoon I received this in an email from him at work:   “It seems a little disappointing to me that you are not as ‘romantic” as you used to be. I strive to be re-creating those feelings and excitement about us and I’m confused by your ‘aloofness” I think about the excitement and the ‘butterflies’ it gave me to be with you…”   

Keep in mind I’ve heard this many many many times since we married.  I’m sad to say I don’t feel anything…not butterflies, not excitement, not aloof, not anything.  I don’t know if those feelings died while he was berating my oldest daughter all those months or if they died while he was berating me and telling me his best friend said I was psychotic and needed to be hospitalized (because I had gone into debt $15000+ due to no child support for several years), or if they died when he began taking the tv remotes to work with him so the kids couldn’t watch tv during the day.  I suppose they could have disappeared during any of a number of other episodes however it doesn’t really matter when they left does it?  They are simply gone.  When he is away from home, I feel peaceful.  When he is home, I feel nervous and edgy.  That can’t be good for anyone can it?   

Added to this, two of my daughters talked with me a few nights ago about why they don’t like to spend time with him alone.  My children are very wise.  Daughter #2 is an old soul I’m sure.  This is a paraphrase of what she told me: “He’s just not nice Mom.  He is mean to #1 and sometimes I feel so badly for her.  (now this is big because these two daughters don’t always like their sister and they can’t wait for her to go back to college).  He’s mean to you a lot and I don’t like feeling like I have to watch what I say because he might be listening.  It’s not right that you should have to pay for #1’s college by yourself either and I hate that when he’s in a good mood he tries to give me everything I could possibly want and that he always is trying to stuff food into me.”   That was the part I can remember right off the top of my head.   D#2 also said sometimes she is angry with him for the way he acts and angry with me for staying with him. 

I’ve been trying to figure out what I get from this relationship and I’ll be honest, I’m stumped.  So why am I here?  Because I feel guilty I think.  I care about my husband.  I’m not in love with him though.  Does that make a difference?  I’m so confused.  There is so much more I could write and perhaps I ought to.  I mean, I’m not perfect by any means.  I have done some pretty stupid things during our marriage.  I took some money off of his credit card to pay bills he told me I had to pay and I didn’t have the money for.  That was pretty bad.  We did get a home equity loan to pay off the debt I incurred when child support was non existent.  He ranted for days and days over Christmas about that one.  Recently he told me I was deaf and blind because I didn’t see or hear the changes he’s made in how he relates to daughter #1.  Then he told me I had no common sense.  Yes, it was all in the same conversation.    If I say anything about leaving or thinking about moving or enjoying my time off while he’s gone, he gives me this whole “That is so sad” speech.  He will go on and on and on about how he never thinks of that and we’re his family now and he wants to take care of me and the girls and I need to communicate with him more and and and… 

So, what the hell is wrong with me?