So today I finally take my mom’s death certificate to the bank. I was supposed to do it about 3 months ago and then the damn thing went AWOL. I couldn’t find it ANYWHERE. I’d decided, at last, to just order a new one dammit and be done with it. Of course, that was the weekend I found it. You could see that one coming right?

Anyway, I’m in the bank this afternoon chatting with a very nice teller who knew my parents and was telling me how my dad used to bring her seed for her garden all the time and we were just having a nice visit. I thanked her for her time and the good memories of my parents and turned to leave. As I get close to the exit, I can see through the glass of the door my aunt Linda. She looks as if she has just turned away from the door and put her head down to walk off. She is stopped right by my car and as I push the door open to leave the bank, I hear her say to my uncle who was sitting in their truck “That’s Traci’s car!” He says “What?” She gets louder and says “That’s Traci’s car!!! She’s in the bank!”

I choose this moment to break in and say “Yep, it’s mine.” She turns around and says “I thought that was your car!” I looked at her and said “I had to bring Mom’s death certificate finally.” She said “I ordered another one because I didn’t think you were going to bring it.” I told her “I’ve been looking for it for two months now and it finally turned up so here I am.” She turned and walked back to the truck and climbed in.

As I pulled away and watched her buckle her seat belt, it occurred to me that she still had her deposit slip in her hand as I was walking down the steps and getting into my car! She didn’t even go into the bank after she saw me. To that I say and think “WHAT THE FUCK?”

This woman is 57 years old and my mom put her in charge of her checking account and she can’t even stand in a parking lot and speak to me? I haven’t seen her since, probably, March and haven’t spoken with her since…oh, May, I think. Am I wrong in thinking this is a bit odd?

Yes, I know I could ‘suck it up’ and ‘be the bigger person’ and I’m not denying that I could indeed do that. The proverbial road does run both ways. I find I’m struggling with that whole concept just now as it was MY mommy who died and MY brother who died and MY sister who died and not one person in my family has ever said to me “I’m sorry” or “How are you?” As I type this, my mind is going “Yea, but Trace, she was their sister too.” I’m discovering that I don’t particularly give a shit at this moment. I mean, for god’s sake, my aunt Linda could only snarl the words “You’re TOO LATE!” when I arrived at the house approximately 8 minutes after my mommy died.

I tried to talk with my mom about this very thing before she died. She didn’t want to hear it. I mentioned it to my aunt Sharon and she said “You just have to choose.” My cousin, Debbie, recently told me “You just have to make it be ok.” They are right, of course, I can choose. I get to decide who I want to spend time with. I’m not surprised at all that this family of mine is a flaky and rude and nasty as they are showing themselves to be. I guess I am surprised that I expected and hoped it would be different because my mommy died. I thought they’d care more about what happened to me.

It’s obvious that I am still very angry about the events surrounding my mother’s death and the ‘handling’ of her estate (for lack of a better word). I’m still angry about alot of things that involve my family of origin and I wonder if that anger will ever ease. I’ve told myself for alot of years that anger only damages me and it’s true. It seems that during the months since Mom left, that anger has only gotten bigger.

Added to all of this drama, I had a follow-up appointment with my doctor today. You know it’s not going to be fun when he walks in and says “Do you want the bad news or the bad news first?” I just smiled and said “Let me have it all.” He proceeded to do precisely that.

It seems that the bottom third or so of my esophagous doesn’t work correctly and that’s why I have trouble swallowing sometimes. I also have a wee bit of a hiatal hernia which explains alot of things as well. AND my freaking cholesterol levels have gone through the roof since my mom died. Did you know that cholesterol is affected by stress? That’s not to say that my cholesterol levels were great to begin with but geez…So, in short, I’ve gone from taking two meds a day to taking four. (honestly, the jury is still out on this one for sure because I want to check for drug interactions before I start putting anything else into my body) I’m pissed about this but for much different reasons than you might expect.

My mom was told, probably about 10 years ago or so, that her cholesterol level was 384 and she needed to take medicine for it. She called me crying to tell me about this and I asked her “So, what are you going to do now Mom?” She told me through her tears “I guess I’m going to sit here and wait for a stroke to kill me.” I can’t even begin to tell you how many times my mother made it clear to me that I wasn’t going to have anything to do with how she took care of herself. I certainly wouldn’t be the reason she’d do something her doctor told her too. It goes on and on but the deal is this…

I told my doctor today that I have always told my children I was going to live to be 100 so give me the details on what I need to do and lets get on it. He laughed and replied “That’s the spirit, better living through pharmacology!”

I’m crying (again…grrr…sigh) this weekend…and eating what I want. I’m also researching food and several other nutrition things so I can refresh my brain on what the right things to do are. (Yea, I’ve prepared for this route off and on for awhile…for both myself and others) I refuse to be like my mother and simply sit around waiting to die.

I am going to LIVE and live well.


And I’m taking my daughters to Scotland next summer too.

So there. 


13 responses to this post.

  1. You know Traci? I am just angry FOR you that your family is a bunch of dorks. You just don’t deserve that! I am also thinking here tonight that you don’t deserve to have high cholesterol from stress, so I am sending you some positive energy, a hug or two, and a daily dose of joy until this too passes. I will look into some herbal protocols, one is gugul, which reduces cholesterol. Maybe you would like to try something of that sort?

    Loving you,


  2. Traci, I too, think checking out some herbals wouldn’t hurt. I’ve also had experiences with cholesterol and had success by modifying my diet. But either way, at least you have commited to taking care of yourself. I am glad to know this because you are valuable and the world is much better with you in it. I happen to think you are fabulous!!

    You know, Traci, I can really sympathize with the family situation. My family is a bunch of kooks. Sometimes I think alot of them actually enjoy causing strife. And speaking of anger, I have some too. My therapist said just yesterday that it is not good for me to hold it all in. He wants me to beat a sofa cushion with a tennis racquet!!! I’m actually thinking about doing it. I wonder if I can get over feeling silly about doing such a thing.


  3. Take good care of yourself, Traci. It is true that “living well is the best revenge.”


  4. You are amazing! I’m so proud of you for taking charge of your health not just for yourself but for all the people around you who love and care for you!

    Your aunt can go suck on a fart IMHO.




  5. Hey, Traci, just for the record, I think that the two most painful events are losing a child and losing your mom. I don’t care that she was someone’s sister, it isn’t the same. You have the right to be in pain. I hope for your health that the stress will lessen. As for eating everything you shouldn’t, so be it. Don’t beat yourself up, but let it be for a day or two and then get back into taking care of *you* for your precious girls. Never forget that losing your mommy should tell you that you don’t want them to lose theirs. Be gentle with yourself.

    Dear girl, you’ve got many kind thoughts flying your way from me as I travel the roads of many states. I hope you find peace.


  6. You’ve already lived so much better than the family you came from — and your girlies will never lose their mom the way you lost yours, estranged and hurt. That said, I applaud your determination to take good care of your physical health, for your own sake as well as theirs. Love to you!!


  7. So sorry about that, I can’t imagine how difficult it must be dealing with such issues. Keep taking good care of yourself!


  8. Just checking in tonight with a warm hug.
    Miss you,


  9. I’m stunned you came over to my blog to lend kind words, when you’re going through so much in your own life!
    Time heals all wounds, so they say.
    (Don’t we both hope that’s true!)


  10. Awww Traci…like I always can’t pick your family but you can pick your friends…family sucks!! You know it and I know it…sorry about the Cholesterol thing….do what you can girl..whatever works for you…Scotland huh?? good for you…MWAH!!! Miss you….


  11. It’s a shame that there is that kind of nasty behavior among family. It really adds to the pain and mourning that you already have to go through.

    Sending you sunshine and clarity and energy and hugs. Look to the children.


  12. Wow, what a tough time you are going through. I love your plans to live and shine and head to Scotland.


  13. live and live well. words to live by. i’m still here. still with you. thank you for your positive energy, and for showering it on me. you are loved.


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