family…gaaaaaaa!

So today I finally take my mom’s death certificate to the bank. I was supposed to do it about 3 months ago and then the damn thing went AWOL. I couldn’t find it ANYWHERE. I’d decided, at last, to just order a new one dammit and be done with it. Of course, that was the weekend I found it. You could see that one coming right?

Anyway, I’m in the bank this afternoon chatting with a very nice teller who knew my parents and was telling me how my dad used to bring her seed for her garden all the time and we were just having a nice visit. I thanked her for her time and the good memories of my parents and turned to leave. As I get close to the exit, I can see through the glass of the door my aunt Linda. She looks as if she has just turned away from the door and put her head down to walk off. She is stopped right by my car and as I push the door open to leave the bank, I hear her say to my uncle who was sitting in their truck “That’s Traci’s car!” He says “What?” She gets louder and says “That’s Traci’s car!!! She’s in the bank!”

I choose this moment to break in and say “Yep, it’s mine.” She turns around and says “I thought that was your car!” I looked at her and said “I had to bring Mom’s death certificate finally.” She said “I ordered another one because I didn’t think you were going to bring it.” I told her “I’ve been looking for it for two months now and it finally turned up so here I am.” She turned and walked back to the truck and climbed in.

As I pulled away and watched her buckle her seat belt, it occurred to me that she still had her deposit slip in her hand as I was walking down the steps and getting into my car! She didn’t even go into the bank after she saw me. To that I say and think “WHAT THE FUCK?”

This woman is 57 years old and my mom put her in charge of her checking account and she can’t even stand in a parking lot and speak to me? I haven’t seen her since, probably, March and haven’t spoken with her since…oh, May, I think. Am I wrong in thinking this is a bit odd?

Yes, I know I could ‘suck it up’ and ‘be the bigger person’ and I’m not denying that I could indeed do that. The proverbial road does run both ways. I find I’m struggling with that whole concept just now as it was MY mommy who died and MY brother who died and MY sister who died and not one person in my family has ever said to me “I’m sorry” or “How are you?” As I type this, my mind is going “Yea, but Trace, she was their sister too.” I’m discovering that I don’t particularly give a shit at this moment. I mean, for god’s sake, my aunt Linda could only snarl the words “You’re TOO LATE!” when I arrived at the house approximately 8 minutes after my mommy died.

I tried to talk with my mom about this very thing before she died. She didn’t want to hear it. I mentioned it to my aunt Sharon and she said “You just have to choose.” My cousin, Debbie, recently told me “You just have to make it be ok.” They are right, of course, I can choose. I get to decide who I want to spend time with. I’m not surprised at all that this family of mine is a flaky and rude and nasty as they are showing themselves to be. I guess I am surprised that I expected and hoped it would be different because my mommy died. I thought they’d care more about what happened to me.

It’s obvious that I am still very angry about the events surrounding my mother’s death and the ‘handling’ of her estate (for lack of a better word). I’m still angry about alot of things that involve my family of origin and I wonder if that anger will ever ease. I’ve told myself for alot of years that anger only damages me and it’s true. It seems that during the months since Mom left, that anger has only gotten bigger.

Added to all of this drama, I had a follow-up appointment with my doctor today. You know it’s not going to be fun when he walks in and says “Do you want the bad news or the bad news first?” I just smiled and said “Let me have it all.” He proceeded to do precisely that.

It seems that the bottom third or so of my esophagous doesn’t work correctly and that’s why I have trouble swallowing sometimes. I also have a wee bit of a hiatal hernia which explains alot of things as well. AND my freaking cholesterol levels have gone through the roof since my mom died. Did you know that cholesterol is affected by stress? That’s not to say that my cholesterol levels were great to begin with but geez…So, in short, I’ve gone from taking two meds a day to taking four. (honestly, the jury is still out on this one for sure because I want to check for drug interactions before I start putting anything else into my body) I’m pissed about this but for much different reasons than you might expect.

My mom was told, probably about 10 years ago or so, that her cholesterol level was 384 and she needed to take medicine for it. She called me crying to tell me about this and I asked her “So, what are you going to do now Mom?” She told me through her tears “I guess I’m going to sit here and wait for a stroke to kill me.” I can’t even begin to tell you how many times my mother made it clear to me that I wasn’t going to have anything to do with how she took care of herself. I certainly wouldn’t be the reason she’d do something her doctor told her too. It goes on and on but the deal is this…

I told my doctor today that I have always told my children I was going to live to be 100 so give me the details on what I need to do and lets get on it. He laughed and replied “That’s the spirit, better living through pharmacology!”

I’m crying (again…grrr…sigh) this weekend…and eating what I want. I’m also researching food and several other nutrition things so I can refresh my brain on what the right things to do are. (Yea, I’ve prepared for this route off and on for awhile…for both myself and others) I refuse to be like my mother and simply sit around waiting to die.

I am going to LIVE and live well.

Period.

And I’m taking my daughters to Scotland next summer too.

So there.