awol

I have been missing in action lately. I think about blogging but quite frankly, my thoughts, feelings and mood have been anything but blogworthy. Today, I’m home sick for the second day in a row and figure what the hell I guess.

Last year, a group of women who shall remain nameless, (I think of them alternately as “the cult” or “those bitches”) threw me out of their group so to speak. I’d known these women for almost 8 years and it was a difficult time. I was obviously affected by this experience more than I imagined because, now, whenever I feel a need to write I can literally hear one of them saying “I couldn’t deal with one more story about weeping…”

Today I say “fuck that Michele” and have remembered that my path is my path. This is my journey. No one else knows what it’s like to live with the history I have and no one else knows what it’s like to dream the dreams I dream or flash back to what I flash back to or deal with the anxiety issues I deal with. My gut feeling is that if any one of those women had a life like mine, they’d be dead or in a nut house because they couldn’t handle it.

So, all that said, be forewarned, if you don’t want to hear about weeping, or anxiety or any of the other things I’ve mentioned…leave now because this isn’t a fun kind of day around here.

Ok then…onward.

First the good stuff.  My youngest daughter, my baby, turned 14 last Monday. She is amazing and we had the most totally kick ass birthday party for her. A dear friend lent us her home that has 5 big screen t.v.s, a pool table and an indoor swimming pool along with a killer stereo system and we had 12 young ladies over for an all nighter that was, well, incredible! Happy Birthday my beautiful girl. I love you.

Now, daughter #2 has begun seeing a counselor at her request. She is extremely depressed and I know the last two or three years have finally taken about as big a toll on her as they can without the help she finally asked for. I’m grateful she felt able to ask and also grateful I am able to provide this for her. The counselor is a nice woman I think. D#2 seems to like her and feel comfortable there so it’s good.

Last week, this daughter and I had words about the husband and it was quite difficult for both of us. We ended up talking about it with MF (the counselor). There’s so much I could write here however I will simply say that our conversation triggered some very bad stuff for me personally and I’ve basically been a wreck all week since then. What it came down to (in my mind) is “Do I choose my husband over my children?” I have quite literally been sobbing all week long…with a break or two stuffed in somewhere. 

I was so traumatized by this experience that I called my own therapist and made an appt for the next day. She knows what a ‘thing’ this is for me. I’m glad I went as she cautioned me not to “throw the baby out with the bathwater” so to speak however not much has been resolved for me as yet. Which brings me to the rest of the week. :::::sigh:::::

My husband, god (or somebody) bless him, is not a good ummm, waiter. I don’t mean he doesn’t serve dinner well, I mean he cannot seem to leave well enough alone and wait for something or someone to do or say anything. If he wants to talk, he wants to talk and it doesn’t matter if it’s at 3 a.m. and I’m sound asleep. This is an issue for me. Ok, enough background…

On Sunday, I don’t remember what brought it on exactly but it probably had something to do with my daughters. I get a bit fuzzy from here so who knows. It ended up as it usually does…he talks and talks and pesters and pesters and I finally say something I’ve been thinking about but keeping to myself for awhile. This time it went something like this:  “I don’t like being married, I don’t want to be married, I hate living here, the girls are uncomfortable and that makes me uncomfortable and do you know my kids can’t even get a great financial aid package because we’re married and have to legally combine our incomes?” Yes, it came out in a rush and by the end of that run on sentence I was, you guessed it, crying again.

Husband, as usual, set about looking stunned with disbelief. He professed not to know what I was talking about and said he thought things were going well around here and what else could he do to make me happy and what did I want to do about this and he’d do anything to keep from losing me and ‘is this what this is all about? the financial aid?’. There was, as you might guess, more…lots more. How it ended up was with me sobbing for 2 hours quite literally, him smothering me with attention and not letting me have my space and for the past 2 days he’s been up all hours of the night trying to talk to me when I need to sleep and calling me 15 times a day and writing me emails that are so ummm, unsettling to me. Finally last night I told him “STOP IT! I don’t know what I want to do or what I’m going to do but I do know this isn’t about you right now, this is about ME! I can’t process everything as quickly as you do. I need time to think for god’s sake!” He still hasn’t backed off. This morning I woke to him smoothing my hair and playing with my ears (like I’m some kind of dog or something) and when I said “You remember how much I hate that right?” he was immediately “I’m sorry” and some other stuff. He finally got out of bed and left after I told him for the gazillionth time that I was tired and didn’t feel good.

It’s TOO FUCKING MUCH! I don’t get a moment to myself and I finally had to tell him earlier (after his 5th call in less than an hour) that I would be napping so don’t call. I was upstairs a bit ago and happened to see some writing he left conveniently for me to read and it was all about how since he first saw me, he’s been enthralled with me and he wants to be with me forever and he changed his whole life to be with me and he’s sorry he doesn’t live up to my standards but he’ll try to do better and on and on and on…I don’t know if I’m overreacting or what but it made my stomach hurt. He told me how intelligent I am and how wonderful I am and that he tries to remember he’s not with his first wife anymore and and and…there’s so much more I could write but honestly my eyes are wet again so I think I really do need to go rest a bit.

Oddly enough (well not odd for me but perhaps for some reading this), the entire right side of my body is in pain…from my neck down. It’s excrutiating at times and manageable at others. During my studies of reflexology and accupressure, among other things, I learned that the right side of our bodies is where we feel emotional energy/pain if we’ve been holding it in too long. Go figure eh?

I write this shit for me however if anyone has any thoughts, comments, helpful hints, suggestions, whatever…please feel free to post them here or email me. I can use any and all help, input, whatever I can get. Buttrrflyy@comcast.net

Peace…and Happy Halloween too.

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14 responses to this post.

  1. Oh Traci, you poor poor love. It sounds like one hell of a week and I’m sorry I don’t have more to offer apart from my hugs and all the good thoughts I’m sending your way. Potentially choosing between a spouse and your kids is heart-breaking, gut-wrenching stuff but having done it myself I can only say that you know in your heart whether these issues can be resolved and you know if they truly, truly can’t then your kids win every time. You’re a great mother and you know that and it hurts and I’m sorry. You need to cry and you need to work through this. Post all you like, honey, we’re here for you. xxx

    Reply

  2. I’m here too, Traci. You’re not alone. I’m so sorry you are having to go through this pain. I know how difficult it can be to deal with issues that involve the children. Post whatever you want, honey, anything you want. Anyone who does not like it does not have to read. This is your space. You know where I am if you need me.

    Reply

  3. Aww Traci.. This has been a long time coming my love, I feel your raw pain…you know that you can always share your tears with me…i am sorry for all that is wrong with this picture…it might be time hunny…it really might..love you..here if you need me…

    Reply

  4. Hugs Hugs Hugs.. Traci I’m so sorry. It sounds like you have so very much on your plate right now and everyone pulling in you in every different direction. No wonder you’re confused and overwhelmed! I’m here too.. for whatever you might need.

    Hugs Hugs Hugs

    Reply

  5. I can only echo what has already been said above. Whatever you do, don’t feel you have to hold it in. You’ll explode. But you know that. I don’t know what any of us can do but be here, listen, let you rant, assure you that you’re not alone, and let you lean on our shoulders. It’s hard to be caught between spouse and children, I know. I’ve been there. Remember, however, that your first responsibility is to yourself. You have to to what is right for you first, the others later. Hang in there, and take care of YOU. Hugs.

    Reply

  6. Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry that you’ve been going through this. As I was reading, all I kept thinking was “that isn’t love, it’s obsession!” I can only tell you how it feels to me while I’m reading it. Obviously, I’m not there to experience it, so I could very well be misinterpreting…

    In general, people like that are manipulators. He seems to be trying to manipulate your feelings because he knows that you might leave. Listen to your heart of hearts, Traci. If the first thing you can think to say when it all comes rushing out is that you don’t want to be married because you’re unhappy, give that some thought. I think it’s less a choice between him and your children (of course your children come first) and more a choice between you and him. Do you sacrifice yourself to keep him happy or do you live your life the way you’ve dreamed it could be? Keeping him in check at the expense of yourself isn’t the right answer. I’m not saying I know what the right answer is, only that losing yourself isn’t it.

    xoxox

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  7. Still here. {{{Traci}}}

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  8. Hey Traci,
    I’m here too but not probably like I should be. I agree totally with Jaded and experienced probably just as close as this ll what you are going through right now. In a world of woulda, coulda, shoulda I woulda done things a whole lot differently I woulda gotten out of that marriage a whole lot earlier. I shoulda done it. Not just for my kid but for me too. Maybe I just didn’t want to “fail” again at a marriage. What I found out about myself is that I had failed myself. I shoulda done it. Not been afraid, shoulda not listened to the obsessing, the gifts, the promises. Then maybe I coulda had a semblance of a life long before now. It’s manipulation Traci. No babies, no bathwater. I am not cold or hardened. Just been through it myself and know that my life now is a blessing. And it IS a life. I spoke those same words…even the part about financial aid, crazy as it seems. Listen to your soul and in the gap, that sacred space between when you breathe in and breathe out. The answer is there.

    I love you,
    Lighty

    Reply

  9. sorry love.. all that stuff on my blog is TOTALLY not about you.. just a whole bunch of blog drama … soooo High School but a stand had to be taken so I took it.

    I’m still here for you and you better stick around for me too 😉

    Hugs

    Julie

    Reply

  10. Look at being “kicked out” as finding a golden door away from petty, insensitive and just plain rotten people. They don’t deserve you.

    Reply

  11. Still here. Hope you got my note. Yahoo was giving me a problem. {{{{{Traci}}}}}

    Reply

  12. Posted by BostonPobble on Sunday, November 5, 2006 at 4:24 pm

    Okay, so, it took me a couple tries to figure out how to leave a comment. But I finally did. And here we are. I’ve got so many responses rolling around in my brain about this post, dear friend. I think you are discovering you are stronger than you ever believed, that you are worth more than you have ever been told and you deserve more than you have ever gotten. That is what I think I see happening in your posts. The problem is learning anything worthwhile is always So Damn Painful. Wish they were called “Growing Happies” instead…

    Reply

  13. Late, but here nevertheless. Trust yourself, Traci. You are more than enough for any situation, even if you don’t feel like it. You really will be able to sort this through, and make a coherent decision that’s right for you and your girlies, whatever it may be. If I can help, please let me know.

    Reply

  14. Wow. Your words are my life 4 years ago re-written (we have one son). My ex-husband was more obsessed (so much that he would follow me and tap our phones) with me than in love, probably because I was his third wife. He was smothering and I became physically ill every time I had to be around him. To sleep with him I had to have alcohol. He was DISGUSTINGLY needy….I had lost all respect for him as a “man”…I feel for you. yvetteb78@yahoo.com.

    Reply

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