therapy

I have a love hate relationship with therapy. I think my therapist is amazing although I struggle with getting too close or saying too much most times. The truth is, when she looks at me with such compassion I want to wipe that look off her face and run screaming from the room. She told me once that she looked forward to my session all week long. I scoffed in disbelief. As I write those words right now, I feel uneasy. I don’t “get” that at all. It’s kind of like the loan officer who told me last year “there’s just something about you” as she offered me money from her own wallet to help me get by until the loan processing was complete. All I could think was “WTF???”

A night or two ago, my husband collapsed, sobbing, into my arms. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him cry like that. I’d just been to my therapy session and was still thinking about all that had been talked about. My therapist said “You’re right Trace, this is nice and it’s probably not going to last too long. What I wish for you is the ability to enjoy for a moment this nurturing and believe you deserve it instead of simply waiting for the next ‘thing’ to happen.” I wish that for me too.

As the man I married looked into my eyes and told me how he felt about me, I found myself wishing I could feel something, anything, other than the numbness that is my constant companion. I told him I probably didn’t love him like he wished I would and that it was probably a mistake for me to have married him given what I knew. I told him that my oldest daughter probably believed that I had chosen him over her and he disagreed with me. I said I felt like I had failed with my oldest child and he told me he didn’t think I’d failed at all and that I’d probably kept her alive. He then tried to get me to tell him what he could do to ‘fix’ this. I had to be honest and tell him he couldn’t fix it. It wasn’t his job to make me happy and it wasn’t my job to make him happy. I needed to figure out what I wanted and where I thought I could find what I wanted. I explained that he could never know what was broken in my soul when I was such a small child and even if he did know, it wasn’t his job to glue it all back together.

I find myself wondering if I will ever feel peaceful. That’s really all I want. I want to have a day go by where I don’t question myself a thousand times over what I’m doing. I want to be able to think things through and come to a decision and have the ability to not second guess myself constantly. I want to trust my own thoughts and views of reality without wondering for a split second if I’m making stuff up or making it bigger or worse than it needs to be. I would like to, just once, feel as if I’m not damaged goods and stop wondering why the people who profess to care about me say that. I would like to have something good happen in my life and be able to enjoy it without the little voice in the back of my head saying “Yea, this is good but just you wait…the other shoe will drop in a minute and it’s gonna be baaaddd.”

I have a love hate relationship with therapy. I love that I have a wonderful therapist. I hate that I had/have  a life which made therapy a necessity for survival. I work every day to accept what is and to make the best out of it that I can. Sometimes I just wish it wasn’t quite so hard…so confusing…so…something.

Peace.

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9 responses to this post.

  1. Traci, I doubt my self, thoughts, decisions, feelings and memories every day. Some days I even doubt my sanity. I have been with my husband for almost ten years and I would say that I have only been able to really FEEL our relationship in the last few months or so. I’m starting to like it. You know what, though? I’m still afraid to feel certain things while we are ‘doing the laundry’. We tend to let things like that pile up around here, if you know what I mean. I guess sometimes there are some things that we just can’t help. Scar tissue is tough. Hugs to you, Traci. You can email me anytime you want.

    Reply

  2. Lynn is right . . . scar tissue is tough. I’m glad you have a therapist you can trust. It takes a long time to heal. Don’t give up, Traci. I’m going to send you an email, too. Hang tight.

    Reply

  3. Traci, fir the life of me I can’t find your email addy. Please send it. Thanks.

    Reply

  4. I don’t believe that any one of us makes it to adulthood without self-doubt and insecurity. Maybe you are actually more “normal” than you think. I’d like to get through a day without second-guessing myself and my decisions too, but I’ve come to believe that such uncertainty is universal, and no one gets to be truly, supremely confident. If we did, imagine how much MORE difficult getting along as a society would be?? Arrogance masquerades as confidence and certainty, and there is no greater threat to me than someone who is confident and certain that they know what is best. Maybe, just maybe, you’re on the right path and you’re making progress and we’re all in this together. I don’t know –OBVIOUSLY!

    I feel in my heart that you are good, and you are moving forward. You are not staying fixed to a place in time or an event, and however long it takes you to get to the next stopping point, you’re spreading love and peace along the way. Hopefully, all that love and peace will cycle back to you in due time.

    Reply

  5. Posted by Danielle on Friday, November 10, 2006 at 2:16 pm

    One day you’ll find inner peace. You were put on this earth to love and be loved and I hope you’ll give (your) (self) a chance. I’m still waiting to have real emotions. I hope I see the day when something phases me, not just oh, well, that’s my life, I expected it to happen. When you live through so much, some things aren’t as important to care about even though they may seem life changing to others. You’re very brave for going to counseling and I hope your road to healing is a prosperous one.

    Reply

  6. I too am a fixer. I wish I could just do some kind of Vulcan mind-meld and crawl up into your brain and soothe the awful pain away. Ok, I’m also a Star Trek Fan.

    I know it’s not my job.. I’m here to listen, support and help in any way I can… and please know that if there is any way I can help you just need to tell me.

    Hugs

    Julie

    Reply

  7. For a min there I thought you were holding up a mirror. Good luck with the T thing.

    Reply

  8. you will get to those places.

    you’re amazing to me. that you can set your boundaries and hold your husbands as well – that takes a lot of work.

    hang in there.
    xx

    Reply

  9. Posted by Catach on Tuesday, March 6, 2007 at 1:15 am

    I too doubt myself everyday – I have been seeing a wonderful therapist for two long years. I have made many wonderful changes in my life throughout this time – and although I have many many friends I too have always felt unable to connect to anyone. Throughout my therapy I came to the decision that my relationship of 19 years was not healthy and consequently left my partner. Learning to be by myself has been difficult. Sometimes I wonder when the whole therapy journey will end and will I ever feel strong enough to face the world on my own…… I guess we all have to make that choice – life is after all a journey – it was just never stated what type of a journey…..

    Reply

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