Wow, it’s December 11th already. We’ve been busy, busy, busy around here.

The college girl is home for the holiday and I’m wondering what on earth she is doing. When she arrived, she told me she was calling work to be available on Monday. It’s Monday now and I’m pretty sure she’s not called. I wonder if she will work at all during this time off. I’ve decided I’m not saying anything about it because if she doesn’t want the money to make her life a bit easier during the next quarter, who am I to comment on that? It’s not like I’m going to give her money or anything! I’ve already got loans for her schooling to deal with so she’ll have to figure it out I guess. She’s been playing video games and being pretty anti-social but when we do see her she is very pleasant. I’m quite sure it’s weird for her to be home. She’s used to being on her own and doing what she wants and well, I think this may be the last time she’s under my roof for any length of time. My baby is growing up.

Daughter #2 gets her braces off next week. She is as excited as I’ve seen her about anything lately. My baby is dealing with some seriously bad ass depression and we were just talking about meds and alternatives to them. I’m sure Thursday will be a ‘fun’ session with her therapist. I’ve discovered I am angry about her behavior. I know it’s normal for her to separate from me and it’s a positive developmental step and all that. Right now it feels like a kind of betrayal. Does that sound terrible? I feel terrible for thinking it. This girl  has always been special. My relationship with her has been so much different from the one I have with my oldest daughter. It’s a relief to have the oldest doing for herself and all. It’s just plain heartbreaking to feel like I’m losing my baby. With this child, I learned that being a parent could actually be fun and enjoyable. Up until her, I thought it was just horrible and traumatic and hard and exhausting. It’s still exhausting and hard sometimes…it’s never horrible. Until lately. It really does feel like my heart is being ripped out of my body dammit. Everything inside me is screaming for me to hang on tight when I know that I must (and will) continue to let go and let her find herself and it’s going to be ok. It simply doesn’t feel ok right this minute. It’s another loss yanno?

Gawd, I’m so sick of losses right now. I’ve had more than enough honestly. I’m ready for a rest…I’d be grateful for even a small one.

Daughter #3 is still a mommy’s girl. I love that I can still tuck her in. I know it will eventually come to pass that she, too, must separate from her family in certain ways and I know I will mourn as I do now. I know that in spite of how painful for me it is, I will continue to do what I need to do and let her find her way. It’s not often we can say we got our fondest wish. My wish has always been to raise my daughters to be strong, capable, confident young women. They are definitely that (ok so the confidence is iffy some days) and more. I am so excited to see the people they are becoming. It’s like witnessing a continuous miracle. I’d forgotten for a moment how painful such beauty can be at times.

I’m giving my girls wings and it breaks my heart some days.



4 responses to this post.

  1. Your last sentence says it all, Trace. That’s the sum total of parenthood, from what I’ve experienced. I love that you love them that much. What a difference you have achieved over your own upbringing!!


  2. Raising children is the hardest thing I have ever done.


  3. This made me smile and tear up. I’m sure the college girl will be more social before she leaves. I know she’s happy to be playing video games at *home*.

    I hope the removal of her braces gives your second girl a reason to smile, too.


    PS–I see you decorated for the holidays!


  4. Sending you love and joy through the blogosphere this holiday season.



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