***

I am totally struggling. I wish I could simply snap out of it. I have no desire to create drama. I’ve been told I do that sometimes. I’ve thought about it alot since hearing that. I’ve decided that I don’t believe I create drama anymore than the next person. Sometimes I have drama. Sometimes I don’t. Frankly, I live in a house with two teenagers…drama is going to happen. If I write about it in an effort to deal with it’s affects on my life, that doesn’t equal creating drama. That equals a coping mechanism. Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest…onward.

I have been weepy. Alot. I know part of it is the fact that I live with depression on a daily basis. Depression is a disease. Depression is hereditary. Depression is often crippling. I take medication to help deal with depression. This medication does not make the depression go away. It simply makes it easier to deal with. Somedays are good and some days are not.

My depression is complicated by issues related to PTSD which is complicated by several issues relating to severe abuse as a child/teenager/woman. Logically, I know all of this. Emotionally, I’m ready for it to go away. Sadly, I know it won’t go away…ever. I do know, however, that I am well equipped to deal with it. I have a wonderful therapist and good friends and I know when to speak up and say “Help!”

I made the determination years ago that my grandfather and his buddies will not win. Ever. So, I do what I need to do. Somedays I do it smiling and somedays I do it crying. I still do it. Every day. And I still hope he is rotting in hell.

Now, the anniversary of my mother’s death is coming. A week from today. I’ve talked about it in therapy alot. It’s on my mind alot. I still don’t really understand how I can miss my mother so much it’s a physical ache in my chest. I don’t want to miss her. I don’t want to know the things I know. I just want the relief I expected to feel. Instead of that relief, it’s like reliving the pain and loss over and over again. It’s like acknowledging my abandonment issues again and again and again. It’s a raw wound that I trust will heal or at least scab over someday. Please god.

I’m still so incredibly angry. I’m angry that my parents are gone. I’m angry that they didn’t protect me. I’m angry that my family has disappeared. I’m angry that I care that they’ve disappeared. They are toxic. Without question. I’m angry that I want what I cannot have in that regard. I’m angry that my mom didn’t wait to say goodbye. I’m angry that she didn’t care how scared I was. I’m angry that my aunt Linda looked over her shoulder when I arrived at my mom’s death bed and said in the meanest voice imaginable “You’re too late.” I’m angry that when I collapsed sobbing over my mother’s body, my aunt Sharon couldn’t deal with my sobbing, pulled me off of my mommy and made me take drugs to calm down. I’m angry that none of them ever said they were sorry (with the exception of one aunt who came later) and none of them have ever checked on me since my mom’s funeral. No one wants to know how I am or if I’m ok. I’m angry that the day my mom died, after her body was gone, I discovered there was actual footage of the day my mom married my biological father and no one had ever told me. When I said something about it, the response was “You don’t want to know him.” I said “Yes I do.” and was told repeatedly “No you don’t” until I said “Stop it. Yes I do. How could you all keep this from me?” I’m angry that my biological father died before I could ever meet him. I’m not saying that I wanted him in my life. I have no way of knowing that. I deserved the option. I’m angry about so many things and I simply wanted relief. I believed once my mom was gone that I would have some of it.

Someone I know sent me an email the day after my mom passed and said “All I can think now is that you’re free.” Those words still piss me off. I feel crazy for all these feelings but they are mine. They are here. With me. Always. I have better days. I have worse days. Mostly I am able to keep it all in perspective. With the anniversary of my mom’s death coming, I’m discovering it’s tough to find the perspective right now, let alone hold on to it. Fuck.

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9 responses to this post.

  1. Traci, don’t forget that added to all that you have said here, this time of the year is one of the worst for people in general. I understand the cycle of depression and the heredity aspects of it. I don’t have some of the extenuating circumstances that you do, and when I think about my own struggle (and my mom’s, my daughter’s, my nephew’s, etc.), I absolutely can’t imagine what you carry around in your heart and head. All I can say is that I’m so sorry, dear girl. I’m glad you realize that there is that support circle made up of your therapist and friends. Lean on them as much as you need. And remember that hateful things said to you are just bursts of air out of inconsiderate (and probably insecure) people. If I could hug you I would.

    Reply

  2. Oh, Traci. I understand. I do. I feel crazy, too. I feel like an emotional yo-yo. I’ve got my father’s birthday and the anniversary of one the assaults pressing down on me. We’re not the crazy ones, honey. We’re just the ones who got hurt. My email is on my profile page if you need me. You shared your mantra, I’ll share mine. “I’m here. Right here, right now. I’m here.” You’re here, too, Traci. Right here, right now.

    Reply

  3. {{{{{{{{Traci}}}}}}}}

    Reply

  4. I know it’s hard, and that many times people say “dumb” things. This is generally a very tough time of year for most people, and for those of us who have depression + it can be very very difficult.

    {{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}

    ~Deb

    Reply

  5. Posted by The Boston Pobble on Saturday, January 27, 2007 at 8:00 am

    I have so much roiling around in my head right now and I haven’t even had a full cup of coffee yet this morning so I’m not going to be nearly as eloquent as I would like to be. That being said…Your feelings are indeed yours. They need no validation from anyone else and when others try to minimize them or put their own shit on you, you are allowed to be angry. You are allowed to be everything you are. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and live. By your own rules. To your own beat. And fuck ’em.

    Reply

  6. I’m so sorry that you’re still struggling so much from the pain of your mother’s loss. I wish you peace but I know that that is most likely something that only time can bring. Until then I wish you love from those around you who can help you heal.

    Hugs.

    Reply

  7. I echo what the Pobble said. Your feelings are your own, and they are valid, period. No one can dictate what we should or should not feel because they don’t live in our skin. You feel and mourn in whatever way makes sense to you, and to hell with someone who feels entitled to tell you the “correct” way to go about it.

    I would only suggest that you make sure you’re mourning the thing you truly miss… are you mourning for the mother you wish you had, or the mother you had, flaws and all? It’s hard to reconcile one with the other sometimes. Neither thing is wrong, just be clear about it. Are you mourning for the childhood you wish you’d had, or the one you did have? Or a combination of both?

    My mom said to me today that I still hold the abuse against her. I told her that no, I did not. She said that she felt that I did. I told her that those feelings were on her, and she had no right to try to transfer them to me. She said she felt guilty. I said “Maybe you do, but again, that’s your feeling and you need to own it. It is not my responsibility to absolve you of your guilt. But I’m not going to sugar coat the life that you forced me to live while you were ill. It happened and I will not pretend that it didn’t. But that isn’t the same thing as not fogiving, it’s merely acknowledging the past exactly as it existed. We can’t change it, or pretend that it was better than it was. It is my reality, and your feelings of guilt will not force me to feel any differently about it.” She didn’t know what to say, and that’s fine. The point is, our lives existed as they existed. Period. We can’t change the past no matter how much we wish we could. I have mourned the loss of my childhood, and the mother I wish I had. It was only then that I could accept my mother as she is, and was. My point is, it’s hard to move on until we know what we’re mourning.

    I hope that makes sense. You feel whatever it is that you need to feel. Take whatever time you need to take. Don’t let anyone tell you different. xoxox

    Reply

  8. I hope that you are able to be good to yourself right now, find some comfort in the love and blessings that you have in your life and give yourself permission to feel all of the things that you feel.

    You got a bad deal. No doubt about that and it’s going to be a long road to find peace and acceptance. You’ve had severe trauma and lost primary people in your life but none of those things are your fault. Spend some time getting to know you and feeling all of the things that are there, and you’ll then find a way to let go eventually and move on.

    Reply

  9. I just think you rock. Really. You ROCK! Taking the bad with the good this life has to offer each of us, drawing boundaries, owning feelings, knowing that you matter, your girlies matter, your happiness matters.

    Reply

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