9/5/44 ~ 2/1/06

I miss you Mommy. I wish I didn’t. I thought this would be easier than it is. I was wrong. I think this is so much harder than I expected because, now, even the hope that someday our relationship would be better is gone. It vanished completely on a cold, gray, foggy, winter morning in February. Your spirit, your energy or whatever it is that makes us who we are, left this world for whatever comes after…one year ago today.

In spite of what was, I love you. I will always love you. I hope someday that I will feel your presence. I have so many little girl dreams still. I want my mommy to be proud of me. I want my mommy to love me and keep me safe. I want my mommy to love me as much as she loved my children. What I hope for is the peace that comes with acceptance. Acceptance of what is and of what was. Sometimes I believe I’m near there. Sometimes I know I have a long way to go.

I wish you had waited for me. I wish I could have told you one last time I love you. I wish you would have said my name one more time before you left. I hope you’ve found the peace you so needed. I love you Mommy.

This picture makes me giggle because Aunt Bonnie was so silly that day. I hope wherever you are, you are smiling when you see it and remember…

 

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5 responses to this post.

  1. I wish I knew what to say, Traci. Sometimes the things I say come out all wrong, but I’ll risk opening my flap because I care for you.

    I think your issues and feelings around your mother are much like those that I have with my father. I know it’s painful. It’s painful and it’s lonely. Sometimes I feel like no one else understands, but I think you do. I understand, Traci. If there’s any comfort at all in that, I hope you can take it for yourself. Do whatever you need to do to comfort yourself right now.

    Reply

  2. This is a wonderful photograph. No matter what issues we had with our parents, we still miss them when they are gone. Mourn, but do some reconstruction too – know that she was a flawed being as are we all, and remember most the moments that you treasure rather than the ones that only cause you pain. Remember the things that made her unique and irreplaceable. Remember laughter. Gradually… let go of the ways that you feel she failed you and maybe even the ways that you failed each other. It’s a wild ride on planet earth. Tap into the “mothering” energies all around you. Big hug.

    Reply

  3. Wow, my eyes glossed over as I read this. Sending you big blog hugs.

    Reply

  4. I see myself in your shoes when my mother passes. I don’t know how to have a relationship with her, I never have, but I also suspect that somewhere inside me a little girl wants to have a relationship with her mommy… and when she’s gone, that will no longer be even a subconsious possibility. I actually worry about it sometimes, but I feel powerless to change it. She only wants a relationship with me if I and my little family will “repent” and become SDA’s again. No compromise is permissible to her. Failing that, she speaks to us and treats us as though we HAVE repented, refusing to acknowledge our statements to the contrary, and doing everything she can to confuse the spiritual upbringing we have chosen to give our children. It’s very difficult. I’m sad for you, and scared for me. But we’ll both get through it, whatever it is. You, because you rock. And me, because I have you for my example.

    Reply

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