i am a survivor…part deux

I wish I felt funny. Not funny as in ‘Doc, my arm feels funny’ but rather funny, as in hahahaheheheheteeheeteeheebwaahahahahaha funny! I have my moments to be sure. Today doesn’t happen to be one of them.

I read alot of blogs out here on the internet highway. I don’t read the same ones every day…well, I do read certain ones every day but lots of times I click on various links I find and end up in some place I’ve never been before. I’ve found lots of different internets as my blogfriend DebU calls them. Some of them are funny. Some of them aren’t. Some are about healing. Some are about business. Some are about whatever it is that took their owners fancy on a particular day. I’ve visited baby blogs (I’m a sucker for baby feets), health blogs, sports blogs, family blogs, silly blogs, goofy blogs, serious blogs, blogs for a cause and blogs for the hell of it.

This week one of my most favorite bloggers has written about things very close to my core. She asked my permission to include part of an email exchange we had a few months ago and I agreed. As I read her post last night, I felt rather sick to my stomach. Part of me was screaming inside ‘Howcouldyouletherdothat!’ and another part of me was mumbling inside ‘Ohboyherewegobacktoschoolandugly’ and yet another part was relieved. Relieved because, by putting it out there into the universe, it helps another piece of me find peace.  

One of the commenters at Susie’s site said something that struck me almost (I mean, come on, it’s me and I can’t do quiet for long) speechless as I read it. I don’t remember who wrote it but it could have been ME. The words were along the lines of ‘I only have to walk by a group of high school kids to be back there all those years ago’. I remember trying my best to melt into the walls as I walked by certain groups of people when I was in school. I remember doing it last week when I saw a group of young men standing together near the door of my grocery store. Well, I didn’t exactly try to melt into the walls last week but I did get that familiar feeling in my stomach and I did think about going back to my car until they moved.

I haven’t been in high school for more than two decades. Yep, I said decades. Decades. That is a long time. A. Very. Long. Time. I wonder how long it will be until I don’t have that feeling in the pit of my stomach anymore. I wonder if it will ever be anything other than my gut response to groups of people standing around. Or people who look scary. Or people who turn to look at me as I walk by. Or people who stop to ask me a question. Or bosses who say “Traci, come in here a minute”. Or therapists who look at me ummm… oddly and say things I don’t understand.

As I work on processing last weeks therapy pow-wow, I find myself feeling lots of different things; Sadness, Anger, Hurt, Uncertainty, Conviction, Determination, Calmness and Peace among them. It’s a curious time for me. I have journied through alot of territory with this woman who is my therapist. I’ve had a couple other therapists in my time and one of those experiences did not end well. I’ve dealt with abandonment issues for most of my life and I have realized this week that those particular issues are not so big now. I think that’s known as progress! (yay me) I’m stunned. Grateful but stunned none-the-less.

I feel the progress I’m making. I mean, I can literally feel it. I think the last few months have been the only time in my recovery journey that I can say that. That is big, no, that is HUGE. Lots of times I really believe that this process is two steps forward and one step back but it’s interesting to me that anyone (most of all my therapist) would view me as stuck. Or say that to me. I’ve always wondered if I would know when it was time to move on. Would I know when I’d reached ‘the end’ of a certain stage? Would I know when it was time to make changes? Would I ever really know what was right for me at any given time? Would I ever be able to simply trust my gut?

I don’t know how I’ll feel tomorrow, however, this afternoon I feel like I’ve jumped over a huge hurdle for me. I faced a fear or three today. I know I will have the right things to say when I return to my therapist’s office next week and I know that whatever happens, it will be the right time for it to happen.



5 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by pobblepoppet on Wednesday, May 2, 2007 at 8:20 am

    Ah, the healing part of the healing process. YAY YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!


  2. All the best to you in your healing journey. High school is such a joyous time for so many people, for others of us, it’s four years we’d just as soon forget.


  3. I’m glad you’re feeling stronger, and that you are healing. I am confused by your therapist, however. As the patient, you should never feel like an imposition, nor should she make you defend your feelings to her. They are what they are. It’s her job to figure out where you need to go and how to facilitate that for you. I don’t see her as abandoning you as much as I see you outgrowing her. If it’s time to move on, it’s because you’ve grown beyond what she knows how to do.

    Just my opinion.


  4. Maybe you are outgrowing your therapist.


  5. Just thinking of you, honey. Hope it’s a good week.


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