lately

I’ve been living in a “fog” for the past few weeks. Some folks might not understand those words and that’s ok, they don’t have to understand. I understand and that’s enough.

I’m beginning to wonder if I’m going to be able to continue doing my job. First of all, I absolutely hate my job right now. Ok, wait, that’s not exactly true. I don’t mind my job. I simply don’t enjoy the people I have to do my job with. My boss is a control freak and mean on top of it. My immediate supervisor is a bitch woman who spends her days complaining and bad mouthing everyone around her. She claims me as a friend however I don’t understand why. I don’t like her. I don’t go out of my way to spend time with her. I just listen. And remain non-committal when she talks. What else am I supposed to do? She is in charge and if she doesn’t like you, she can (and does) make your life hell.

Let me clarify something. I am a ‘right brain’ person. I can be logical. I can be a ‘thinker’. I can do the things required in my job. They are simply a bit more difficult for me than they would be for a ‘left brain’ person. My job is filled with things that completely stump me at times. I work with CAD files and site drawings for all the buildings in our school district. I am currently developing a ‘plan’ (for lack of a better word) for maintaining the grounds of all these buildings in times of serious budget cuts. I hate it. I can be organized. I can accomplish lots of things within a given time. I am simply sucking at this work right now. My ability to focus is severely compromised lately and it’s becoming overwhelming. I’ve missed a few deadlines and I can’t even seem to cry about it (which is usually how my stress is relieved).

This week I received two cortisone injections into my wrists to hopefully help with the severe carpal tunnel I’ve developed. I have massive nerve damage in my hands and the pain had become an issue. I’m out of the wrist splints I was using for three days and while my hands don’t hurt now, my wrists feel like they are cold all the time. Weird. I’ve been sleeping with the splints on and it helps so much I can’t even explain the relief. My middle fingers felt on fire all the time. Within moments of the injections, that pain was completely gone. If this doesn’t keep the pain at bay, I will have to have the surgery. I’ll be ok with that though because I will know I’ve done everything I could.

My oldest daughter will be home next week for her orthodontist appointment and some school shopping. She’ll be here for a few days at most and hopefully she’ll be closer to getting those damn braces off! Daughter #2 is due to have Senior pictures taken and she is getting on my last freakin’ nerve. She doesn’t want to figure out what to wear. She doesn’t want to think about her Senior year. Actually, thinking about it is all she does but she doesn’t want to do anything because it’s all overwhelming and she thinks she has to make major life decisions right this minute and it’s pretty hard to be her right now (not to mention it’s hard to be her mommy too!).

My friend Susie wrote a post the other day addressing something that I’ve been thinking about in relation to daughter #2. I’ve been wondering what I would have told myself when it was my Senior year if I’d known what I know now. Brad Paisley has a song on his new album that makes me cry when I hear it. I played it for my girlie a few days ago because I just didn’t know what to say to her after we’d had this same chat for the gazillionth time. She thinks so hard. I worry about her. She is so deeply affected by the world around her and I want to fix it all for her. I know I cannot however that doesn’t make it easier to let it be.

All this said, I miss my mom (which continually blows my mind) and I miss my therapist and I need a real vacation and I must find a new therapist and I have to work and summer is almost over and I also must file papers to sue my ex husband for 68% of the cost of these damn braces and the current husband is pushing me to get to it right now and I simply don’t have what it takes to accomplish it right now. I’m tired of being pushed and poked and prodded and told and blah, blah, blah…I know there are more important problems in the world than my piddly little shit…I’m still tired.

Peace.

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8 responses to this post.

  1. I understand about fog. I sort of wish I didn’t, but I do. 😦

    I used to have carpal tunnel syndrome, too. The pain was excruciating and I am extremely glad that it’s gone.

    {{{{{{{{Traci}}}}}}}}

    Reply

  2. Posted by Boston Pobble on Saturday, August 4, 2007 at 5:15 pm

    When I go into a particularly bad episode, all I can say to describe it is “the noise in my head.” Bet it’s a lot like fog.

    As for there being bigger issues in the world, of course there are. Those issues existing however do not make this time any easier for you to be dealing with. 😉

    Reply

  3. We have those periods in our lives although we many call them by different names. It sucks. But they pass, too. Your life have been pretty chaotic. Have faith that it will settle down. Eventually. Really. Honest. Someday. 🙂

    Reply

  4. Breathe. Inhale, exhale… repeat. It’s not guaranteed to make the fog dissipate, but it makes it more likely that you’ll survive it. 😉 I’m pretty sure you can’t feel it right now, but I’m gonna say it anyway: I think you’re the bomb, Traci. One day your girlies will know how incredibly fortunate they are to have you as a role model. In the meantime, I wish I could give you your own mommy back, in the new-and-improved format that would permit her to love you the way you love your girls.

    Reply

  5. totally makes sense to me… I think you’d be amazed how many people understand exactly what you’re going through.

    Remember, life is just one big series of waves and you are just in a dip right now. You’ll come back up.

    Reply

  6. Hmmm… that was supposed to say ‘Fog’ totally makes sense to me…

    Reply

  7. Get Husband No. 2 to help you fill out and deal with the paperwork if he wants it done “right now.” It is not ALL your problem, sweetie; he is just as responsible and liable financially if your ex isn’t cooperating, and you need and deserve his support.

    Women exert so much energy being caretakers that we forget we can also ask for some TLC. I’m not saying you don’t have some very real problems. You do. But you need to tackle them one at a time, and ask for help and advice from people you trust. Not that you can’t work it out for yourself, you’re a very smart cookie, but it’s nice to know someone is on your side.

    As for the boss from hell… I had a female boss who made my life miserable until I decided not to let her. Eventually, in my case, it reached a point where I changed jobs, but there were a lot of other reasons behind that, too. The bottom line is this: You need to find a way to make your life bearable regarding the things that you have to put up with (at least for now), and if it becomes that bad, start sending your resume around and looking for other work.

    Just the fact that you are able to express all of this is a sign that you are coming out of the fog. And there IS a clear day on the other side of that gray. The clear day doesn’t mean there won’t be bumps in the road. It just means you’ll be able to drive over ’em.

    ((( )))

    Reply

  8. I’ve been in that fog. I don’t know what to say except I hate that you’re there and hope you’re out soon. *hug*

    Reply

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