weirdness alert

I have been told at different points in my life that I have a penchant for the dramatic. Now there are times when it is a good and acceptable thing and there are times when it is not good or acceptable. I have been declared dramatic by those who appreciate it and those who, for lack of a better explanation, only want to belittle me and make me feel ‘less than’ whatever it is they need to feel ‘more than’.

This will probably be one of those times for many who visit here. I am not writing this for counsel or sympathy or the dramatic value. I am writing this because I need to get it out of my head today, right now, this minute. Once I do, I will quite reasonably make an appointment with one of the two therapists I’ve decided to meet with before making a choice between them. I am ‘giving it to the universe’ and hoping that by doing so, I will feel a bit of much needed calm and give my tensed up shoulders a bit of relief as well.

I used to cut myself. I do not cut myself anymore and haven’t for oh, 12 years at least. Yes, I know it’s a symptom of some very serious issues. Yes, I understand it’s not a good thing. Yes, I did get therapy and treatment. Yes, I did stop the behavior and continue to heal my inside as well as my outside.

Now, and in the past week, I have felt a compelling urge to stab my arms. I know. It is not good. I won’t do it. It is however the first time in all these years that I have entertained the thought. For even a brief moment. That worries me. A lot.

Now that I’ve written this down, I’m off to make a phone call or two. Peace.

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14 responses to this post.

  1. Nothing to say except huge hugs from across the pond.

    Reply

  2. Stay strong. Hopefully writing this DID help.

    Reply

  3. Peace, Traci. Sending it to you, all I can. xxx

    Reply

  4. What is it like to be able to self diagnose yourself like that? I would trade a few toes and an opposable thumb to be smart enough to understand when I am becoming more susceptible to the consequences of falling for my triggers.

    I understand that you are messed up like the rest of us, but I am jealous. It takes a very brave person to confront themselves. It takes a very strong person to decide to get help with time to spare.

    I wish that I was always that wise; I wish that I was always that clever; I wish that I was not so afraid, at times.

    Covetously,
    Charlie

    Reply

  5. Traci, I used to do it, too. I used to burn myself as well. I only stopped it a few months ago. My therapist helped me. Make that phone call, friend. You’re taking care of yourself by doing it. I’m here for you, honey. You’re not dramatic or crazy or anything else like that. You know where I am if you need a friend.

    Reply

  6. I really hope this helped. Good luck with the therapists.

    Reply

  7. I never reply to comments publicly. If I’m going to reply to them, I have always reply personally with an email. I don’t know why I’m doing it today except that I feel the need to thank all of you for your good thoughts and comments. I appreciate them so much. Peace.

    Reply

  8. Stay strong Traci. The sun will rise and the clouds will clear, it always does.

    Reply

  9. Charlie’s comment is on the money — you ARE smart, brave, strong, wise and clever. You’re also kind, generous, funny, loving and beautiful. Wishing you everything you need to move through this phase and beyond. Sending love, peace, strength and laughter to you, Traci.

    Reply

  10. Ditto on all the above comments, and sorry I got here so late. I hope you have been able to see a therapist to help you get past these feelings. There is so much that’s positive and lovely about you, and we hate to see you suffering. I think you carry the burdens of others too much, my dear, and the weight of it takes its toll. But you have shown yourself to be so strong and very wise. Shift the burden and give yourself some credit for all that you do for others.

    Reply

  11. Posted by scribbleandscribe on Sunday, September 9, 2007 at 4:29 am

    Always wise to what you need.
    That is to be admired.
    I wish I was so prompt with self diagnosis.
    I often wait until the problem is huge.

    Have missed stopping by, life got busy
    and interesting… art wise.

    Glad to “see” you today.
    Many hugs

    Reply

  12. Traci, your self-awareness is such a strength. I realize that it can make you very uncomfortable at a very personal level, but it is also what can keep you from “going under” in the flood of your emotions, memories, and scars. Being able to “say it out loud” as you did here is one of the best deterrents. You are an amazingly strong person, despite what those old tapes might say to you sometimes. Good for you. And hugs to reinforce the choices you’re making! 🙂 🙂 🙂

    Reply

  13. Hang in there, sweetie. You’ve got to get to the root of that – can you identify anything that has changed very recently that might have acted like a trigger?

    Think of yourself surrounded by love and beautiful light and laughter – sending you healing and clarity and deep friendship.

    Reply

  14. Traci, I can’t even imagine what that must be like for you. It appears though that you’ve definitely made the first step just in realizing the problem. Hang in there!

    Lin (former JW)

    Reply

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