la vida loca

On February 5th, I received an email from an old friend. When I say old friend, I mean, someone who has known me since I was 16 years old. For those who’ve been following along, you’re right if you guessed this friend is one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. I’m posting her email here with identifying details removed. It is not the first email from her in this series. It is the one that helped me along the road to this post however.

I know. I never got internet because of the kids and the expense. As a single  mom, it was not affordable. I have internet at the office so I don’t need the expense at home. I do have a computer at home for the important stuff – WT CD rom and spider solitaire and free cell – so I am covered ( I wish I had emotion faces that people use sometimes cause – I would’ve put a smile after that). any way, I am truly sorry for all the tragedies in your life, both the emotional ones and the spiritual. But, Traci, many years ago, Jehovah saw the good heart condition in you and drew you to him to be a worshipper of him. it is true, unfortunately, that you suffered many abusive situations in the past, and I can understand how difficult it would be to go to hall. Where you live now, would you consider starting over? Traci, over the years, I have never forgotten the spiritually happy and healthy person I met. Have you ever considered that perhaps there is a part of you that longs for the truth and for Jehovah?  I know it will be hard for you to trust anyone again. And in every congregation full of us imperfect messed up people, you will find ones that you won’t or can’t trust but that does not mean that Jehovah is bad or that his organization as a whole is bad. I won’t preach at you, don’t worry – but, please consider going to the hall. One Sunday. Give it a chance. If you don’t like it – walk out – you are not obligated. Our last CO often said that if people don’t want to study with us, don’t force it – we are not here to bring people in the truth kicking and screaming.  Jehovah does not work that way.  Anyway, know that I love you and I won’t bug ya – just consider it. I have to go for now it is 5pm and I need to run to the store and I have book study tonight. Love, C

This woman was one of the best friends I ever had. We met while I was in South Carolina one summer and we carried our friendship through our marriages, children, divorces and everything between all those things. I have missed her for a long time. She had no idea that by sending me this email, she would be triggering several things of a not so healthy nature for me. If I were to tell her about it all, she would be devastated I’m sure.

That same day, I received an email from my cousin, LeAnn, telling me she was thinking of me on the anniversary of my mom’s death and blah, blah, blah. This cousin is also one of Jehovah’s Witnesses and her husband is an elder in their congregation, which is neither here nor there to this story really. The very next day, my friend and soon to be ex cousin, Jenny, delivered all the court papers related to her divorce.

tangent:::I’m not sure what she thought would be the benefit to me reading all of them however she filed for divorce in March of 2006 and her soon to be ex has dragged this thing out for two years and they go to trial next month. Turns out I may have to testify at the trial. WTF? I still don’t quite understand how the divorce of two people with pretty much nothing  other than children can take two freakin’ years and I figure it’s my cousin’s way of trying to control everything but, again, that’s neither here nor there to this story.::: end tangent

Reading those papers was a bit more than I could handle apparently. Added to everything else, it became rapidly apparent that I was a mess. On Sunday evening, the 10th, I ended up cutting on myself. Even in my whacked out state, I knew that was a bad sign. I kept it to myself for 24 hours and then told a dear friend what I’d done. It’s been more than 12 years since my last cutting excursion. Aside from some time last fall when the urge was almost impossible to ignore, I’ve never even thought about it since then. I couldn’t figure out what triggered it all either. I have a fuzzy memory when in this state and while I know what’s going on, to articulate it is beyond me. I was scared.

I didn’t tell my husband, a counselor (I don’t have one remember?), other friends, no one. I just kept it inside, crying periodically, not sleeping, not accomplishing much. Then my husband decided to do something really stupid. It could have ended up being a legal issue (thank you Shari for being so ready to help me…I would have called if he hadn’t dumped the shit) for him and for me I suppose if I hadn’t said something about it. To say I was upset would be an understatement. Finally, a week after cutting myself, I confronted my husband with his stupidity and told him that he needed to get rid of his stupidity or I’d have to do something about it. He was pissed.

I didn’t feel much and didn’t care if he was pissed. Just to make everything clearer, I pulled up my sleeve and showed him my arm. I said “I’ve got enough trouble this week without you being stupid and blah, blah, blah.” To say he was stunned would be an understatement. We talked about my arm and a few other things and I told him that if he ever threw this cutting episode in my face during an argument, we would be finished. I was that worried about it. I’m still worried about it but I don’t have the space in my brain right now to give it much time.

So, that’s it. That’s my crazy, whacked out story for today. I’m holding my own and debating which one of the therapists I’ve interviewed to visit sometime soon. I have to make a choice and take action sooner rather than later obviously. Whatever.

Peace.

Advertisements

6 responses to this post.

  1. Do you have any idea what it is about the e-mail that might have started the maelstrom?

    After making a decision on which therapist to choose, what do you need most right now?

    Reply

  2. Aww honey… I’m sorry. I’m sorry for how alone you feel, and I hope you find a good therapist right away. And if you just want to talk, you can call me. You know that, right? I’m no therapist, but I have good ears and my heart goes out to you. Be safe, Twinnie. Sending love and peace.

    Reply

  3. Traci, I don’t understand why people like your friend seem to be so determined to take things back to “the way they used to be,” without seeming to understand what wounds it can open. I know they usually don’t intend harm, but it doesn’t take a genius to understand that we have moved to another place because of the pain in the old place. But that’s neither here nor there. It has been done.

    I’m sorry that you are in this vulnerable position again. Focus on the strength you’ve had over these last years, and hang onto that. You are strong, Traci, whether you feel it at this time or not.

    Please let me know if I can help in any way. You know my email, and I’ll happily give you my phone. Know that my heart is winging to you as I write. And I’m sending a long, loving hug. :’)

    Reply

  4. I’m glad you are well enough to write. While I was uncomfortable with the content of your friend’s email, her spirit comes through, and she does seem to be someone who truly cares for you and is entirely well-intentioned. And, I hope, someone with whom you could set boundaries, make the request that she hold off on “hall talk” until further notice?

    Honey, if one of the therapists you’re considering isn’t obviously inept, go to her or him, even just to move through this crisis time. It’s not a marriage. Seeing the person for a session or two or 6 doesn’t commit you to anything. What I mean is, it doesn’t have to be THE RIGHT ONE in order for you to get enough help to get out of this current place. You can even tell them that you’ve been trying to figure out who to see, but that process was interrupted by some shit hitting some fan somewhere.

    Sending love and healing to you.

    Reply

  5. I understand about that fuzzy space, Traci. Really, I do.

    {{{{{{{{Traci}}}}}}}}

    I like Susie’s idea about how to approach the therapy situaton for right now.

    Reply

  6. I’m so very sorry sweetie.

    Giant {{{{{Hugs}}}}} from across the pond.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: